As part of our continuing coverage of this year’s exciting race for the White House, we asked noted “celebrity body language expert” Patti Wood to provide her unique brand of insight on the “hidden” feelings of politicians as indicated by their physical gestures and maneuvers, but she declined, claiming to be too busy working on an in-depth body language piece for Us Weekly on the recent split between Spiderman 2‘s Kirsten Dunst and yesterday’s it-boy Jake Gyllenhaal.
Ms. Wood’s less-successful sister, Cathy, agreed to step in and help us analyze and assess the inner workings of this year’s political love lives and goings-on, explaining that she had learned a lot about this process from her older sister. (She did, however, express some dismay about not being able to studiously examine photos of “that total hottie, Jake. I want to touch him.”)
Continued after the jump.
Category: Satirical
When you’re MTV, and you’re inexplicably working with the GOP to galvanize the youth vote, and you’re all, “Let’s get some kids voting and shit,” and they’re all, “Bitches, let’s get a program going, and we’ll get busy on our website, the front page and shit,” and you say, “Fuck yeah, we’ve got this shit right here, check out this fine-ass agendum,” then you give ’em an essay contest for young people on “how President Bush’s call to service resonates in their lives”:
Choose or Lose 2004: “Stand Up and Holla!”
Not having taken part in this inspirational program, we can only take a gander at additional elements and events from the MTV/RNC “Choose or Lose” Program Guide:
“GOP 2004: Get All Up in this Peace”
“Gippa, Please”
“Off the Hizzy, GOPizzy”
“Rock the Hizzouse of Representatives”
“Kerry’s Bunk in the Crunk”
“Bust a Cap(ital Punishment)”
“Like Junk in the Trunk? Ni**as get Sunk”
“Niger, Please: I Wanna Sex You Up”
“Please, Hamid, Don’t Hurt ‘Em”
“Bush 41 got Sonned”
“The Roof, The Roof is on Fire! And the Fire Department’s Underfunded!”
“Don’t Believe tha Hype… Actually, Believe It. Please.”
“Compassionizzle Conservatizzle”
“If I Ruled The World, Actually, I do, so go Fuck Yourself”
“We Skeet on Welfare Bitches, too”
“No Homo”
“Stand Up and Hola! (We welcome Latinos, though)”
And, finally,
“Vote or Die”
From The New York Post‘s Book Beat, July 15, 2004:
“Paul Bremer, who stepped down as Ambassador to Iraq two weeks ago, has begun meeting with New York publishers about writing a memoir of his life and his experiences in the Middle East.
“Marvin Josephson, the founding chairman of International Creative Management and the agent on such books as Colin Powell’s ‘My American Journey’ and Tommy Franks’ upcoming ‘American Soldier,’ confirmed that interest in the book is ‘very, very high.'”
As are the people who think anyone will buy this bilge, b-i-l-g-e.
For weeks, the media has been breathlessly scouring internal reports leaked from the Democratic camp, trying to winnow down a hypothetical list of presumptive 2004 Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry’s picks for his vice-presidential candidate.
This just in! You heard it here first! Based on preliminary analysis of the above wire service photo, it looks like the 2004 Democratic vice-presidential nominee is…let’s see…Senator Paul Sarbanes from Maryland!
Wait, who the fuck is that? Wow, this really comes a surprise. We’d been lead to believe that Kerry would go with someone who could bring him some very key electoral votes or inaccessible voting blocs in the so-called swing states, such as Bill Richardson in New Mexico, or Bob Graham in Florida, or even perennial runner-up Dick Gephardt from Iowa.
Well, to be sure, though Sen. Sarbanes may seem to be somewhat of a surprise pick, the Kerry camp must be confident that…hold on, wait, a correction. We’ve been so breathless from all this expectant websurfing and newsreading that we failed to notice that the photo was accompanied by a caption reading, “Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry, left, is introduced by Sen. Paul Sarbanes, D-Md., at a fund-raiser in Baltimore on Monday, June 28, 2004.”
Shit, are we embarrassed. Well, it’s back to the Edwards Watch for us!
Presumptive Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry, beckoning his Illuminati and Freemason cronies to rise forth from the dead, or however the fuck that conspiracy shit works.
In yesterday’s New York Times, the paper’s Hollywood scribe Sharon Waxman shows how the success of Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ has given the former action star a newfound ability to effectively greenlight and produce a number of his own projects. (In addition to turning water into wine on cue.) Waxman writes that “Mr. Gibson’s Icon Productions will have no fewer than three prime-time television series on the networks’ fall schedule: ‘Clubhouse’ on CBS, ‘Savages’ on ABC and ‘Kevin Hill’ on UPN.”
When detailing the nature of these projects, however, Ms. Waxman, regrettably, left out specifics regarding the shows’ content, save for a few bullet points here and there.
What follows, then, is our exclusive insider guide to Icon Productions’ fall television lineup, praise be He:
CLUBHOUSE
Airing this fall on CBS
Marc Donato portrays a New York teenager who becomes a batboy for the Yankees. Sounds sort of tedious and Wonder Years-ish, right? Wrong…this tale’s been Gibsonized! Herod, or “Harry”, as he’s better known in the clubhouse, first acquired fame in the New York tabloids as the product of an immaculate conception at North Central Bronx Hospital fifteen years earlier. The adolescent Harry, who now notoriously has quasi-biblical powers, comes to the attention of Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, who, in the series opener, is embroiled in a payroll accounting scandal, and in an effort to redeem himself in the eyes of God (and the New York media), hires young Harry to provide redemption for not just “this tired old Jew,” but the entire team of sinners, as well.
And, thankfully, things shape up for the team pretty fast under Harry’s guidance. When not providing the home plate umpire with new baseballs, or making sure Alex Rodriguez’s batting gloves are well-oiled, Harry has the opportunity to counsel Jason Giambi on the perils of ingesting “Satan’s Unnatural Poisons” in his effort to hit more home runs, and coaxing team captain Derek Jeter into giving up his womanizing ways after a nasty encounter with Satan’s Temptress, played by the enchanting Rebecca Romijn. And when the Subway Series reprises itself during sweeps week, Mets catcher (and notorious homosexual) Mike Piazza learns that a good man is, indeed, hard to find, and subsequently falls in love with Harry’s aunt, Seraphia, a former lesbian also cured by God’s love.
SAVAGES
Airing this fall on ABC
Keith Carradine plays a single, working-class dad raising five sons. Pretty straightforward, huh? Well, need we remind you that this, too, has been Gibsonized? Keith plays Papa Barabbas, a former missionary in Peru, who has adopted five Incan boys as his own and now must go about raising them in the suburbs of Chicago, all alone. Diehard missionaries and men of God, after all, can’t take a wife, which wreaks havoc on his blue-collar neighborhood after Barabbas forcefully renounces the advances of special guest star Bonnie Hunt.
And on the homefront, despite Barabbas’ background in converting South Americans to Christianity, things are both difficult and hilarious for him as he tries to get his boys to stop speaking to each other in their native Quechua dialect. His sons, however, grow more and more flustered as they struggle with urban colloquialisms such as “What’s up?” and “True, dat.”
KEVIN HILL
Airing this fall on UPN
Former up-and-coming actor Taye Diggs settles into the role of a high-powered lawyer forced to become a father figure overnight when his cousin tragically perishes, leaving him with custody of a baby girl. Mel Gibson, a noted misogynist, initially balked at the idea of adapting the films Mostly Martha and Raising Helen into a television series, until the newfound mini-mogul realized he could retain the central character’s ineptitude and inherent feminine dishonesty by transposing her character traits onto a whole new sort of “other,” a black male protagonist. (On-set reports indicated that the Lethal Weapon star actually had trouble distinguishing Taye from his former co-star Danny Glover, until a representative for Mr. Diggs courteously stepped in and insisted that Gibson please stop calling his lead “Danny”.)
Regardless, hilarity ensues when papa Taye, in the course of changing diapers, erroneously runs out of Pampers and has to “make do” with a copy of the Ten Commandments. God bless that baby’s bottom!
From the imagined ramblings of an alternate-universe George W. Bush, best-selling author of inspirational children’s books, in response to the actual, real-world ramblings of the actual, real-world President Bush mere hours ago:
Right past that mountain, right over there, are the Iraqi people.
They await liberation. They await the gift of democracy, which we have in great supply aboard our train. They await our presence as liberators.
Over that mountain, there, are weapons of mass destruction, and a terrorist named Abu Mussab al-Zarqawi. He’s being harbored by Saddam Hussein, right over that mountain there.
Please, United Nations, and please, Democratic leadership, help me bring the gift of democracy to the people of Iraq, right over that mountain there.
There is a link to al Qaeda. There is a link to al Qaeda.
It’s right over that mountain, there.
(Click here to see Time‘s actual cover for this week’s issue.)