Posting today’s gonna be lax. “LAX”, in fact! In honor of tonight’s premiere episode of NBC‘s hour-long drama starring the forever-relevant Heather Locklear and the forever-handsome Blair Underwood, we’re throwing aside creativity and getting a bit—you guess it!—lax!
According to the press clippings for the show, it “explores the behind-the-scenes dramas and conflicts of both travelers and staff transpiring daily at the bustling Los Angeles International Airport.” The show’s characters are jockeying “to be named the new director of the airport while working together to solve everything from bomb scares, to VIP arrivals, drunken pilots and roaming pets—all beneath the din of a frantic “hub” with spokes that touch all corners of the world.”
We have such high hopes for this show we’re already holding our breath for the inevitable Law & Order/C.S.I.-esque spin-offs. To wit:
“SJC”: Slated for a mid-season replacement slot. Covers the trials and tribulations of customs agents working at San Jose International Airport, in Northern California’s little-known but most-populous city, as shady foreign businessmen try to steal trade secrets from Silicon Valley’s bustling computer and technology industry. This series, incidentally, is set in 1996.
“EWR”: Another mid-season filler. For those of you not well-versed in our nation’s many lesser-known airports, EWR refers to New Jersey’s Newark International Airport. This gripping boardroom drama concerns the NY/NJ Port Authority’s efforts to bring the consumer-class convenience of budget carriers such as JetBlue to little ol’ Newark. “You know how much traffic we’re losing to goddamned LaGuardia? We’ve got fucking Song and that’s it,” series lead Eric Roberts repeatedly barks to his underlings in the well-received pilot, which is, somewhat notably, the first drama about airports to feature heavily-excised language.
“EYW”: Air travel doesn’t come easy when you’re located amidst miles and miles of waterfront property with docks and piers extending as far as the eye can see…and the staff at Key West International Airport knows this firsthand. For years, a battle has been raging between local boat-rental companies and the cozy airport’s ringmasters, but that battle just got a little more even with the arrival of drug baron Raoul Mendoza and his posse of depth-charge-dropping small-bodied Sandpiper aircraft.
“IND”: If there’s one thing flight mechanics don’t like, its a nasty labor dispute. And when the fictitious USAirlineways, which is in no way related to the real-life USAirways, files for bankruptcy and threatens to reduce its nonstop service between the titular Indianapolis International Airport and Boston, Pittsburgh, Charlotte, N.C., and Philadelphia, these laborers get mad. But what they don’t know is that USAirlineways’ chief labor negotiator is from Baltimore, and has carried a nasty Eric Dickerson-related grudge since that fateful day in 1984 when the Colts left his city to head to Indiana. (This pilot currently only exists in script format and has yet to be filmed.)
Category: Satirical
From our perch in the upper balcony, Conventionist was able to get a strong feel for the enthusiasm with which California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s speech was greeted tonight – and this is in New York! Conventionist – while we don’t generally get involved in political matters – is excited by the idea of the star of Kindergarten Cop taking the stage someday in the near future to run for national office.
And while his accent proved to be a handful to some of the delegates from the so-called “Red States”, they still whooped and hollored as the star of Red Sonja spoke of his support for President Bush’s getting re-elected.
(UPDATE: Gov. Schwarzenegger did not star in Red Sonja, that was Brigitte Nielsen. And readers have written in to tell us that there is an amendment preventing a foreign-born citizen from running for our nation’s highest office. Conventionist still holds out hope that this can be worked out…are you listening, Mayor Bloomberg?)
The Republican Party delegates, as expected, have made it official: President Bush is the party’s official nominee for the election. While Conventionist shies away from political matters, as an unofficial rule, we still hope that the race for the White House will be as exciting as it was for us to see the congregation of delegates from Pennsylvania gleefully cheer as their votes were cast, which officially gave the President the count he needed.
Conventionist hasn’t been this excited since our on-set visit to Aaron Sorkin’s “West Wing”, where we had the opportunity to have our photos taken with Allison Janney. (More photos available at BlueJake.)
As expected, Conventionist toured the floor in full force tonight, and, lo and behold, not a single panda was in sight. You can imagine Conventionist’s disappointment at this unexpected development…but Laura Bush’s keynote address more than made up for this lack of Grand Ol’ Pandas.
Conventionist would like to think that, politics aside, all New Yorkers, and, for that matter, all Americans, would be able to rally behind what sounded like a real tour de force to these ears. And while some readers may have problems with Mrs. Bush’s husband, it’s important to bear in mind that she showed her true colors tonight, and they are red, white, and blue.
Also, Conventionist recommends that all delegates see Radio 4 perform tonight at the Knitting Factory. Doors open at 9:00pm.
Now, isn’t that special?
Not since Bono glided through concert arenas in a giant lemon for U2’s POPmart tour has stagecraft been so far in the forefront as it is for next week’s Republican National Convention.
Today’s Times reveals some of the excellent bells and whistles we’ll be witnessing when President Bush delivers his speech before literally many, many delegates in New York. (For the President, Special Setup Is Planned at Convention, by Michael Slackman.)
A very special president deserves an extra-special stage. (It goes without saying that if Mr. Bush had participated in this year’s Olympics in Athens, it would’ve been a Special Olympics, indeed.) As the article points out, to create a sense of “special intimacy” (there’s that word again!), a centrally-located in-the-round stage will be erected.
What other special theatrics are in store for the convention?
President Bush will descend on a harness from the rafters wearing 25-foot angel wings.
Vice President Dick Cheney will enter dressed as a gladiator and slay an animatronic tiger affectionately nicknamed “Edwards.”
The 1.5 million gallon water tank from Cirque du Soleil’s O will be assembled in Madison Square Garden so that Condoleezza Rice may lead synchronized swimmers in a routine set to Wagner’s “Flight of the Valkyries.”
Four cannons loaded with indoor fireworks that spell out “LOWER TAXES” will be fired at the ceiling
Those hilarious stunt-dunking guys in gorilla suits will go buck wild!
The living Beatles—all two of them—will reunite to sing “Fixing A Hole” with new lyrics about Iraq
A CGI-assisted video will show John Ashcroft at the signing of the Declaration of Independence
Donald Rumsfeld will smile for five seconds
Delegates arriving by swift boats and yachts and walking a pink carpet lined with photographers and writers from The Weekly Standard, The Washington Times, and The National Review asking “Who are you wearing?” and “Do you think Britney is rushing into marriage?”
Live, via satellite, Jesus will bless the delegates
Twenty uniformed members of the armed services will form a pyramid, and a trained elephant will lift a veteran of the Iraq war out of his wheelchair and place him on the top so he can wave an American flag with his remaining arm
A (taped) speech by Ronald Reagan about how much he loves America and apple sauce and swimming and how his male nurse is stealing from him and someone is coming into his room and using his phone and can he have some more apple sauce please, mommy?
Paris Hilton and Haylie Duff will speak together, putting an end to any rumors that they’re in a feud
Alan Keyes will deliver a speech ten times better than what’s his name’s and then sing Outkast’s “Hey Ya” with new lyrics about compassionate conservatism.
Karl Rove will sit behind an enormous green curtain doing… things. Don’t worry about what he’s doing. Really—it’s fine.
Donald Trump, closing the convention by pointing at John Kerry and saying “Ya fired!”
And, if that’s not all, it’s free bat day! Well, for the cops outside it is.
According to ScriptSales, Tina Fey and her agency, Endeavor, have just sold Curly Oxide and Vic Thrill for mid-six against seven. (Which anyone who’s seen Adaptation. knows is ‘industry speak’ for “I know industry speak.”) The story of “[a] Hasidic Jew and a grizzled rock musician [who] form a band,” was inspired by a report on NPR and will inevitably star Adrien Brody (in a furry hat) and Colin Firth (in a name tag, since no one knows who the fuck he is). And the best part? While delivering some scripts upstairs, we heard that Brett Ratner might direct it!
As that last sentence hinted, we just started our new day jobs in the mailroom of the mailroom at Endeavor. (We couldn’t get into the mailroom proper without M.B.A.’s.) It’s a little thing called workin’ your way up the old fashioned way, by being abused, and humiliated – and urinated upon – for years. It’s awesome, and a great use of our combined $245,000 educations. (How’s that for a mid-six against seven, huh, boss?). And, we actually managed to scoop a copy of Curly Oxide and Vic Thrill‘s first-act outline from the main fax machine before Hector, one of the senior mailroom guys, busted us. We’re gonna do our best to score the other two acts when Hector goes on his 3 PM Jamba Juice run, and, yes, that’s Pacific Standard Time, for all of you who think anything of note happens in New York.
In the meantime, check out this exclusive Tina Fey comedic buzz…
From left to right we’ve got whoever the fuck these people are, Daria Werbowy, Natalia Vodianova, Gisele Bundchen, Isabeli Fontana, Karolina Kurkova, Liya Kebede, Hana Soukupova, Gemma Ward, and Karen Elson. (AP Photo/Courtesy Vogue, Steven Meisel)
September approacheth! The all-important ninth month of the year, the introduction to the fall fashion season, when Vogue annually releases their most important issue ever, with all its concomitant power to make or break fashionistas everywhere. And now, here it is: the cover image for their much-anticipated September 2004 issue, and, hold on a minute and put away your excitement stick, because there are fucking models on the cover. Quelle surprise! I, personally, was at least hoping for a shake-up of sorts, maybe some Vanity Fair-esque “celebrities”, but, alas, photographer Steven Meisel is notoriously stronger behind the camera when dealing with your everyday stellar-looking pretty faces than those who are famous for being famous.
Thankfully, we can bear verbal witness to Master Meisel in action due to the release of these exclusive, in-no-way-fictionalized on-set transcripts from the magazine’s cover shoot. All 25 inches thereof.
“Daria, darling, move left more…more…more. Don’t you worry about being obscured by the barcode. I hardly know who you are anyway, but you’re lucky to be on the cover in any form, and we absolutely need to fit more of Gisele in the shot here. Yes, of course. Ms. Bundchen is our star! Yes, my angel. This is the September issue…a triple-gatefold, honies, and there are nine of you, and as I’m sure you’re well aware, you calculus-laden vixens, you, we need an evenly divisible increment of nine, or three ladies per panel. Believe me, if I could chop one of you in half and do a two-paneled 4.5er, I would. But it’s Lancome’s mathematics, ladies! And, if anything, I’m quite nearly positive that Lancome is the guy who discovered the constant ratio of a circle’s radius to its circumference. How many times does pi go into a triple gatefold September cover, I wonder?
And stylists! Stylists! Snap to attention. I need more pink! Rich, vibrant pink! Reds, reds, pinks, whites. Layer gorgeously, ladies, layer it. Shades of pink abound. Bathe in its glorious glow. Wrap yourselves, honies, wrap yourselves. Let these gowns absorb you, cherish you, encapsulate you…And stay on the tape line. Focus, ladies, focus. Gisele, put your mobile away. You can call that little man of yours when you are not on my clock. On, I say, as opposed to over, which is what he is.
Who is that colored woman? Liya? Get her out of the first panel. This is Vogue, not National Geographic. OK, I’m sorry, you’re right. Sorry. Ha ha, I joke! But I am serious nonetheless. This is September, after all, when I am most prone to racist humor. But you ladies knew that already. Now, move her. No, Karolina, you’re in the second panel. No, no, scoot over. Your agency and I agreed to this. I don’t care what she told you. No, I DO NOT CARE about Sports Illustrated. I swear, honey, you need to look more passionate as you clutch Isabeli’s arm. It’s passion, that’s all. Keywords: Desire. Sensuality. Fabric. Threadbare. Discomfit. Petulant. Oblique. Garage. I would hope that each of you can simply clutch a goddamned arm for a few minutes, and continue to look gloriously still and inanimate in the process. I’m a modern-day Vermeer.
Good gracious, where is Karen? Number nine? Anyone? Todd, go check her dressing room. Right now. Go, go, go. Gogogogogogo! Oh, she’s still at Bing’s pad, huh…Goddamn that rascal, I’ve had more of my shoots befouled by that man, directly or indirectly, than Gregory Crewdson’s got issues with his F-stop! Ha, ha, ha! A little joke. September is also the month when I feel free to “dis” my photographic peers, because, yes, I am shooting Vogue magazine. All right, then, we’ll put her in afterwards. How I abhor working digitally, but it’s got to be done.
My, how you lot infuriate me. I’m Steven fucking Meisel, and I’m almost of the mind to subject you to a delicious Meisel-brand ass-raping, but alas, I’ve got another E! network taping to attend at 3 o’clock this afternoon. Bon-bon!”
In CNN.com’s reporting that “Cheney blasts Kerry over ‘sensitive war’ remark“, the story opens with the following lead (emphasis ours):
Drawing derisive chuckles from the crowd, Vice President Dick Cheney Thursday blasted Sen. John Kerry for a remark the Democratic presidential candidate made last week about fighting a “more sensitive war on terror” if elected.
The White House’s official transcript of the event, however, hardly makes mention of the ‘derision’ expressed in the audience’s laughter, which is instead more succinctly conveyed as follows:
Senator Kerry has also said that if he were in charge he would fight a “more sensitive” war on terror. (Laughter.)
“Laughter”? What the fuck is that? Boring — and not derisive enough — is what it is. And if there’s one thing that drives this devoted newsreader crazy, it’s the posting of an incomplete and inaccurate transcript on the White House’s website. With that in mind, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to provide you with the complete and unedited script of events as they ensued at the Dayton Convention Center during the Vice President’s controversial speech.
[Heavily, heavily revised take on] VP’s Remarks in Dayton, Ohio, Dayton Convention Center, August 12, 2004:
Senator Kerry has also said that if he were in charge he would fight a “more sensitive” war on terror. (The gathering of large white men starts snickering, a delicate trickle at first, until three men in the back of the room begin to guffaw, which in turn leads to the audience’s eruption into a hooting, snorting catcall of scornful, disapproving laughter directed at that fucking pansy Senator Kerry. Can he be any more of a faggot?) America has been in too many wars for any of our wishes, but not a one of them was won by being sensitive. (A man in a navy-blue business suit yells out, “You’re damn right!” and nearby members of the audience stand up to give him high-fives.) President Lincoln and General Grant did not wage sensitive warfare — nor did President Roosevelt, nor Generals Eisenhower and MacArthur. (“Those were real presidents…they kicked the terrorists asses!” barks out an overweight and undereducated woman. The entire audience laughs merrily, because they know that George Bush is a real man, and a real president, and wouldn’t be caught having gay sex like that swishy Senator from Massachusetts.) A “sensitive war” will not destroy the evil men who killed 3,000 Americans and who seek the chemical, nuclear and biological weapons to kill hundreds of thousands more. The men who beheaded Daniel Pearl and Paul Johnson will not be impressed by our sensitivity. (“I’m heading down to Bath & Body Works to torch that fucking place! Who’s with me?” queries a furious, bespectacled man.) As our opponents see it, the problem isn’t the thugs and murderers that we face, but our attitude. Well, the American people know better. (“You tell those Democrats, Mr. Vice President, sir! I may not know how to read, but the USA is number one in my book!” intones a middle-aged man waving a copy of the Wall Street Journal in the air.) They know that we are in a fight to preserve our freedom and our way of life, and that we are on the side of rights and justice in this battle. Those who threaten us and kill innocents around the world do not need to be treated more sensitively. (“Let’s go beat our bitch wives!” cries out a cadre of supporters in the middle of the crowd, and the audience collectively hollers back approvingly. Someone else adds, “And our mistresses too!”) They need to be destroyed. (Applause, followed by a bearded man yelling out, “I’m going to go attack some black homosexuals!”)
The new and improved Woolworth’s sit-in lunch counter
In today’s New York Times, writer Shaila K. Dewan examines a newfound impetus among white southerners to begrudgingly reflect on their communities’ roles in the civil rights movement which occurred many decades earlier. Is this due to a changing of the guard? An effort by younger generations to atone for the sins of their parents? Nah, come on, you’re entertaining some pretty feeble guesses there…the correct incentive is, of course, greed.
It has not been easy for communities to embrace a past laced with shame and violence. “Tourism has been forced on these places,” said Jim Carrier, a writer from Montgomery, Ala., whose “Traveler’s Guide to the Civil Rights Movement” was published by Harcourt in January. “It’s not like they put out a sign one day and said, ‘Come on down and see our civil rights history.’ It’s in response to people coming down here, lugging big history books, looking for these places.”
The lure of tourism money has helped overcome the shame.
As a result, a handful of various groups in these areas have been putting forth initiatives for museums, monuments, and such that pay tribute to the era’s struggles and, oftentimes, to specific landmarks that played a prominent role in the movement, such as the bus stop where Rosa Parks famously held her ground.
Museum gift shops bring in a good business, of course, so we’re not knocking their ambitions in that regard, but think of the piles upon piles of cash that could be brought in by a goddamned Six Flags Civil Rights Memorial Park!
Included in this hypothetical RFP for a Six Flags-themed entertainment and water park spectacular:
Special “sit-in”-themed lunch counters, where you can dine on the finest in period-correct malts, shakes, and fries, so long as you drink from the properly-labeled “Colored Only” fountains
I Have a Dreamland, modeled after Disney’s giant EPCOT globe, wherein visitors are taken on a guided tour of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King’s notable exploits, culminating in a thrilling assassination outside a mock hotel
Ride the ‘Back of the Bus’-coaster, the wild up and down ride to freedom! And remember, they say with roller coasters, the biggest thrills are always in the back!
Experience the exploits of actual walking and talking Animatronic White Racists…for the first time ever, you, too, can feel what it’s like to be called a n*gger, or to have this term impolitely muttered under robotic breaths as you enter or leave the room
Oh, and don’t forget the water park:
Enjoy our climate controlled wave pool for the Brown vs. the Surf Board Experience!
And don’t forget to leave before getting your very own Fire Hose Blast! What a thrill!
Bush and Carl Anderson: We do chicken right (wing).
With restrictions on campaign ‘soft-money’ contributions, Bush and Cheney turn to crispy money—extra crispy if you prefer.
Can a cabinet post for this guy be far behind? No? What about this guy?