Conspiracy-A-Ga-Ga

It's such a powerful revelation, The New York Post had to bury it in its gossip page where it pushed aside the latest on Pharell and Mick Jagger's daughter. While the blurb itself is larded with legalistic caveats, the headline says it all: CONSPIRACY THEORY: KERRY 'TIE' TO OSWALD.

Conspiracy theorists are buzzing about John Kerry's connection to Lee Harvey Oswald and the JFK assassina tion. While no one in the lunatic fringe has gone so far as to suggest Kerry helped kill Kennedy — yet — they make much of the fact that a cousin of Kerry's, Michael Paine, was a close friend of Oswald who frequently had the assassin as a house guest.

Whoa. Do you really want to play this game, Page Six? Crumple up that tin-foil hat before someone reminds you that "conspiracy theorists" have been "buzzing" for years that John Hinckley's brother, Scott, was allegedly scheduled to have dinner with Bush's brother, Neil, the night John shot Reagan in 1981!

If we are to believe these shoddily-designed websites from people with even shoddier worldviews, the Bushes and the Hinckleys were supposedly best friends forever! (Imagine the barbecues at the Bushes: Hinckleys, Saudis, the Oak Ridge Boys: "Pass me another Coors Light, Poppy. More Ribs? You know it!")

Some dude even went so far as to tie Hinckley's attempt on Reagan with Kennedy's assassination by claiming that Reagan was "shot from the Bushy knoll"!

Wow. See how fucking stupid I sound saying this stuff? Elevating these wackadoos to even the most carefully vetted legitamacy, lowers a writer to, well, a fucking idiot.

Let's all learn from the recent obituaries for Kennedy Press Secretary Pierre Salinger, whose otherwise impeccable career in public service was marred by his late life promotion of a conspiracy theory he'd learned on the internet—that TWA Flight 800 was shot down by a missile.

If the foolish promotion of an unfounded conspiracy can cling like the smell of shit to a smart man with integrity, what do you think it could do to the writers of a gossip column for a ridiculous, unprofitable newspaper?

Nothin'. You're probably right.

Denver Waffle

What follows are excerpts from the Denver Post editorial page, endorsing George W. for president. Kind of.

...Since 2001, Colorado has lost more jobs than we've gained, and the ones we've gained pay less than the ones we've lost. We pay less in taxes, but our household and medical expenses have skyrocketed. Ninety thousand of us have lost our health coverage. Washington is ringing up record deficits and sticking the next generation with the bill. In Iraq, Colorado-based military units and reserves are deployed in a hostile environment for questionable purpose and uncertain result...

...So the president has our endorsement for a second term, even as we call on him to steer a more moderate course that is in keeping with his campaign appearances, but not his first-term performance.

It's no secret that we part company with the president over many issues. Two glaring sore spots are his obsession to cut taxes even while piling up record deficits, and his mishandling of all things Iraq. He squandered global good will by taking a "my way or the highway" approach to matters of global warming, international law, Iraq weapons inspections and ultimately the Iraq invasion. He bows to corporate preference in matters of energy and environment, and his education funding levels leave far too many children behind.

Kerry has infused the 2004 campaign with energy and gumption, offering fresh ideas on health care and sensible plans for our tax structure. His are the superior proposals on environmental protection, on stem-cell research and judicial nominations. Sure, we've seen Kerry bend to the political winds over his long career, but we wouldn't mind one bit if more Washington politicians would reconsider their past judgments and ideological certainties. Kerry's growth on the campaign trail gives a glimpse of his potential.

Our support for Bush is tempered by unease over the poor choices and results of his first term. To succeed in his second-term, Bush must begin by taking responsibility for U.S. failures in Iraq, admit his mistakes and adjust U.S. strategy. Big time, as his running mate might say.

...But respect for his leadership was sharply diminished by U.S. missteps in Iraq and evidence that the president had ignored frequent warnings of Osama bin Laden's murderous ambition. Even so, there is opportunity for Bush to make adjustments that will validate the sacrifices of coalition forces and Iraqis themselves.

We believe George W. Bush is up to the challenge.

Well of course, that couldn't make any more sense, now could it? Oh wait, it could - the Denver Post's parent company, MediaNews Group, is owned by William Dean Singleton, a major donor to the Bush-Cheney campaign.

[via, yes, fine, I admit it, The Al Franken Show]

Positive campaigning on the international front

Hey, fellas: What've you been listening to lately? Brian Wilson's newly-revised and -released SMiLE? We thought so.

Frankly, it's rather impressive that Arafat was able to get ahold of a copy of this album after being holed up in his compound by Israeli tanks for two long years. You see, there is a practical application for those smuggling tunnels everyone's always going on about.

Crooked Letters Flock Together

"W" at a Saginaw, Michigan campaign rally... The good people who drained your 401(k)

Earlier: We've Been Hammering Away at His War Record, But Let's Not Forget Enron, Okay?

"Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even," Muhammad Ali

Rumble, Young Man, Rumble: Muhammad Ali defeats the dreaded Sonny Liston

Just five more days 'till we shake up the world...

Jim Rutenberg is Dumb

There has been a recent rash of pieces by journalists bemoaning the nasty tone of the letters they've been receiving from their readers. Personally, I think the real issue here is not that the tone of discourse of people who have traditionally written to journalists has taken a turn for the worse, but rather the convergence of two issues:

• The Internet makes it very easy to send feedback to journalists.
  
• The issues of the day have made many more people than usual take an interest in public affairs.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that telling Adam Nagourney that you hope his son gets killed in a Republican war is a pretty nasty thing to say, although I would counter that Adam is a semi-public figure who gets to go on the Charlie Rose Show, and the unfortunate downside of being a semi-public figure is that people might write you really nasty e-mails. But I really have to take issue with today's piece in the New York Times on the same topic:

"Most of us now realize that this is a constant conversation, and I think that largely that part of it is good," said Howard Fineman, chief political correspondent for Newsweek. "Some of the stuff includes very personal and nasty things about people - they go after people's physical characteristics, they'll say somebody's ugly - and you just have to ignore that."

Still, he said, "I would be lying if I didn't say it could be hurtful."

[...]

Bob Somerby, a comedian who runs a Web site called The Daily Howler that often accuses the news media of being shallow, lazy, bullied by Republicans and unfairly critical of Democrats, said a more genteel approach would not be effective. (He has referred to this reporter on his Web site as "dumb" and in "over his head" for being blind or turning a blind eye to Republican spin.)

It's certainly infantile to call people ugly and dumb when you disagree with their reportage, but I think it's equally (if not more) infantile to use your privileged position in the paper of record to whine about it. How thin-skinned are these people? Do they go to their mamas and cry whenever the mean bloggers call them names?

'Cause we've heard a few things about their mamas, too.

After having already wrapped up your home state, this is how you alienate swing-state voters and lose Missouri's 11 electoral votes, jackass

RELATED: MISSOURI POLL: Missouri reflects tight race, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, October 26, 2004: "A new poll for the Post-Dispatch shows the race in Missouri tightening. President George W. Bush's earlier lead has slipped among the state's voters. But the Democratic challenger, Sen. John Kerry, has so far been unable to close the gap, in part because the poll shows a growing number of Missouri voters view him unfavorably."

ALSO RELATED: Red-Faced: Boston wraps up sweep, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, October 26, 2004

We've Been Hammering Away at his War Record, But Let's not Forget Enron, okay?

Old Friends: Indicted and not yet indicted (r. to l.)

Click to see larger version

April 14, 1997

Dear Ken:

One of the sad things about old friends is that they seem to be getting older – just like you!

55 years old. Wow! That's really old.

Thank goodness you have such a young, beautiful wife.

Laura and I value our friendship with you. Best wishes to Linda, your family, and friends.

Your younger friend,

George W. Bush

When you go to the polls, don't forget Grandma Millie.

Col Allen's Show of Restraint

I guess the editors couldn't include "LOL!!!" and a bunch of smileys in the headline like they wanted to.

The 'W' Stands For "Will Work 'Till 80 if Social Security is Privatized"

Related: Planned Parenthood guide to birth control

A Handy Guide to Bush's Supporters (As Seen From Front and Back), Vol. 3

Earlier: A Handy Guide to Bush's Supporters (As Seen From Front and Back), Vol. 1 and Vol. 2

Super Fun Military-Incursion Home Destruction Quiz: Iraq or Palestine?

ANSWER: Iraq, specifically Fallujah!

ANSWER: Palestine, specifically Gaza!

Be sure to check in again a few days from now when we have our next round of Super Fun Military-Incursion Home Destructions with which to work!

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 41

Hey, come on now...there are millions of Americans living and breathing right this very second! And several of them are probably smiling or laughing, too

Golly gee. Who'd have ever thought that a few hundred tons of weapons gone missing in some Middle Eastern nation-state would have such an effect on the waning days of the race for the White House? Certainly not the American military unit that apparently wasn't told to search the weapons-storage facility from which these munitions were presumably taken. Realistically, if their bosses had known there were weapons floating around Iraq, they'd have been on high alert over this sort of thing, right?

From "Spokesman: Unit Didn't Search Al-Qaqaa", Associated Press, October 27, 2004:

The Kerry campaign called the disappearance the latest in a "tragic series of blunders" by the Bush administration in Iraq.

Vice President Dick Cheney raised the possibility the explosives disappeared before U.S. soldiers could secure the site, and he complained that Kerry does not mention the "400,000 tons of weapons and explosives that our troops have captured."

OK, there you go. This is how war works, and politics, too. It's that classic Cheney tactic: accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative. To wit, regarding the administration's now-very-clearly-fucked-up invasion of Iraq, the Vice President said in June:

"After decades of rule by a brutal dictator, Iraq has been returned to its rightful owners, the people of Iraq," Cheney said in a speech in New Orleans, which made the case that Bush had reversed a terrorist threat that grew unchecked before he came to office. "America is safer, and the world is more secure, because Iraq and Afghanistan are now partners in the struggle against terror, instead of sanctuaries for terrorist networks."

You see how that works? He plays up the good things that have come from the invasion and overthrow of Iraq and Afghanistan, and doesn't act like a certain senator from a certain state in the Northeast might, by focusing on, say, the fact that 3,000 Americans died three years ago, or that well more than a thousand American soldiers have died in military action since then, or that much more than ten thousand Iraqis and Afghans have perished at the hands of American weaponry in that interim...see, that's meaningless, folks.

Because at the end of the day, those hundreds of millions of Americans who don't fall into those "irrelevant" categories of deaths detailed above are, of course, safer. It's about positivity. Optimism. And that's the Cheney way.

At least I think that's how it works. Though I'm probably overlooking something. I can just feel it...

Oh, shit, I've got it! This, right here!

"The biggest threat we face now as a nation,'' he said, "is the possibility of terrorists' ending up in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us - biological agents or a nuclear weapon or a chemical weapon of some kind - to be able to threaten the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans.''

"You have to get your mind around that concept," he added.

You go, Dick! For a few fleeting moments up there I'd somehow managed to convince myself that you'd gone all Disney, all "hakuna matata" and "circle of life" and shit, but thanks for grounding us in the bare necessities: Vote or die.

Fittingly, this more or less captures our feelings about next Tuesday's results

It's 4th and 10 with six days on the clock and hundreds of electoral votes to go...and John Kerry hopes that his Hail Mary Cheney play works!!!

And please take note that sports metaphors will never again appear on this site. Ever.

A Little Child Shall Lead Them

American Taboo: War Planning is Not Healthy for Children and Other Living Things

From In Deepest Ohio, I Was Embedded in Bush Bunker, by Philip Weiss, The New York Observer, Oct. 27, 2004:

In my hotel that night, I read a piece being given out at Crunch’s headquarters in Butler County. It’s called "Don’t Close Your Blinds" and is an unsigned parable supposedly narrated by a war vet’s mother. (It has also been on the Internet.) A 9-year-old kid asks his parents why we’re at war, and the father brings him to the window and tells him to pretend that the neighbors’ houses are other countries and that "our house and our yard is the United States of America and you are President Bush."

Then the father tells the boy to pretend that the man across the way is Saddam, who comes out with his wife, "he has her by the hair and he’s hitting her." She is "bleeding and crying … then he starts to kick her to death." The man’s kids come out but are afraid to stop him. "‘What do you do, son?’

‘I call the police, Dad.’"

But the police are the U.N. They say it’s not their place or the son’s to get involved. The woman dies.

"Now he is doing the same thing to his children," says the father.

"He kills them?"

"Yes, son, he does."

The son wants to call the neighbors for help, but the father says the neighbors refuse to help.

"‘WHAT DO YOU DO, SON?’ Our son starts to cry," the mother says.

Next the man goes into a neighbor’s house and kills the old lady there. He sees the son through the window and puffs out his chest and smiles.

The son tells his father he wants to close the blinds and pretend he’s not there. O.K., but then the man is at his door.

Now the son tells his father that he’s going to fight.

"He balls up his tiny fists and looks his father square in the eyes," the mother recounts. "Without hesitation he says, ‘I DEFEND MY FAMILY, DAD! I’M NOT GONNA LET HIM HURT MOMMY OR MY SISTER …. ’ I see a tear roll down my husband’s cheek, and he grabs our son to his chest. He hugs him tight and cries, ‘It’s too late to fight him. He’s too strong and he’s already at YOUR front door, son. You should have stopped him BEFORE he killed his wife. You have to do what’s right, even if you have to do it alone."

And here we thought the adults were in charge.

Hitch Your Wagon

Slate, in its noble but hopeless effort "to emphasize the distinction between opinion and bias," allows contributors to reveal their picks for President. And while the legion Mia-philes will be fascinated to learn that arts writer Mia Fineman is voting Kerry, it's Christopher Hitchens' endorsement that is likely to raise eyebrows - Hitch, per Slate, is voting Kerry.

Nevermind his recent endorsement of Bush in The Nation (titled "Why I'm (Slightly) for Bush"), nevermind his defenses of the Bush administration that occasionally border on the absurd, let Hitchens explain his choice, with the clarity and concision for which he is known. From Slate:

The ironic votes are the endorsements for Kerry that appear in Buchanan's anti-war sheet The American Conservative, and the support for Kerry's pro-war candidacy manifested by those simple folks at MoveOn.org. I can't compete with this sort of thing, but I do think that Bush deserves praise for his implacability, and that Kerry should get his worst private nightmare and have to report for duty.

So his Slate endorsement is ironic, but his Nation endorsement is sincere? Or he's not interested in voting for Kerry for ironic reasons, but for obvious reasons? Or what the fuck? I'll bet that piece from the Nation will clear things up, where this Merlot-fueled master of the mot juste really gets to lay out his case. To wit:

Sometimes it's objectively not so bad that the "other" party actually wins. Thus I ought to begin by stating my reasons to hope for a Kerry/Edwards victory.

...

I can't wait to see President Kerry discover which corporation, aside from Halliburton, should after all have got the contract to reconstruct Iraq's oil industry. I look forward to seeing him eat his Jesse Helms-like words, about the false antithesis between spending money abroad and "at home" (as if this war, sponsored from abroad, hadn't broken out "at home"). I take pleasure in advance in the discovery that he will have to make, that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is a more dangerous and better-organized foe than Osama bin Laden, and that Zarqawi's existence is a product of jihadism plus Saddamism, and not of any error of tact on America's part.

See? This is why you don't hire Hilary Duff to attend White House press briefings

So, like, yesterday the U.N.'s nuclear watchdog agency announced that a whole lot of explosives were missing or gone or something from an Iraqi weapons facility. This, like, looks so so bad for President Bush, who's been campaigning non-stop on the perceived strength of his, like, handling of this war on terror thing. We're, like, fighting terrorists, and if they have weapons that they shouldn't have, it's so totally bad for our troops.

Yesterday, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan fielded questions on the munitions – which are, like, missing – from reporters aboard Air Force One.

Q: Are U.S. troops under any kind of higher alert because there's enough munitions for like 50 car bombs? Is there, like, any kind of alert going on for them? Are they on any kind of higher standard?

MR. McCLELLAN: I think you need to look at what we have done in terms of destroying munitions. As I point out, we've destroyed more than 243,000 munitions, we've secured another nearly 163,000 that will be destroyed.

OMG those numbers totally shot you down, anonymous White House pool reporter! Or should I say...Ms. Lohan!

George W. Bush sports his "Poppy" mask just in time for Halloween

Soon enough, they'll both be aged ex-presidents, after all, so it's only fitting that they've begin to look like one another. And by "soon enough," we mean, January 2009, unless certain American voters get their shit sorted in time.

EARLIER: Bush 41 and 43 in happier years, when little W. was content to merely drink Barbara's milk while wearing a Yale sweater, as opposed to his later-in-life consumption of JD while disingenuously sporting a cowboy hat.

Toke the Vote

Doobie Brother: Dude, don't bogart the platform.

Dozens may have died, but we nonetheless learned a valuable lesson in the process

Life lessons on how to navigate through the hellhole that is Iraq, gleaned from "New Violence Flares in Iraq, After Executions Leave 49 Dead", the New York Times, October 25, 2004:

"In the future, we will try to be more careful when the soldiers leave their camps," he added. "We will provide them with protected cars that can escort them home."

Phew! We can all rest assured, then, that slaughters of this magnitude will never happen again. I mean, the guy said, in the future, they'll try to be more careful about it.

John Kerry for President

We here at low culture pride ourselves on several things: our good oral hygiene, our minimal use of 'and/or', and our scrupulously non-partisan coverage. We have a little motto around the office that we have hanging right above our collection of Jamaican jerk sauces: We Bring You the World, We Don't Spin It.

But now, at the end of one of the bitterest, most divisivest presidential campaigns in recent memory, we feel it is essential that we drop the veil of objectivity and endorse John Kerry for President.

Unlike some satirists who openly endorse the re-election of George W. Bush, hoping for four more years of amusing malaprops and even more amusing enlisted and civilian deaths overseas, low culture stands firm in the belief that there will still be things to make fun of when John Kerry becomes president after the drawn-out legal battle that will bring this country to the brink of civil war beginning November 3rd. Watching Kerry, his running mate John Edwards, the return of several funny Clinton cronies (as well as Clinton himself), and especially that batshit wife of his, we look forward to the next four years with not only confidence, but a feeling we'd all but abandoned years ago: hope.

Furthermore, we believe that despite their absence, we will still have George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and their cabinet to kick around after the election. We look forward—again, with hope—to Vice President Cheney's return to the private sector and the amazing pay-out he will no doubt get from Halliburton. We can't wait for President Bush, a man near-universally derided as one of the worst public speakers to ever hold an elected office above PTA co-chairman, to receive six-figure speaking fees and team up with Rudy Giuliani on a book or DVD-ROM project. We're excited for John Ashcroft to finally molt his skin and reveal that he is an evil lizard monster in the vein of a David Icke nightmare gone awry, and rampage through the streets of Washington biting children and spitting venom at police. Poisonous venom.

None of these things will be possible if George W. Bush is re-elected next week.

As fans of unsigned editorials written by committee know, you cannot endorse a candidate merely by focusing on the flaws of his competitor. You must make the case convincingly—and quickly—and save room for the brassiere ads and other crap that appears at the base of page A18. So, these are the reasons low culture endorses John Kerry:

1. John Kerry will discard the simplistic Terror Alert color system and truly make the country feel safe from terrorism the only way we can feel safe. No more opportunistically selected heightened alerts around events like the Democratic National Convention. Kerry will make Terrorism like your grandmother's birthday: All but forgotten, but nagging at the back of your conscience from time-to-time. This is a good thing.

2. John Kerry will work hard to reunite the world community and rebuild alliances lost since the disastrous invasion of Iraq. He will do this mostly through saying things like, "Look, World Community, I know you all got screwed by my predecessor. But I'm not my predecessor and I'm not going to try to be. I'm just a guy, standing before you, asking you to agree with me that my predecessor sucked. Now, who wants ice cream?" (Terry McAuliffe enjoys pistachio, we hear.)

3. John Kerry has shown us that not all Vietnam vets have mustaches or are scary and reminiscent of some character from Jacob's Ladder. And despite hitting us up before the Democratic National Convention, they don't all beg us for money.

4. John Kerry will not privatize social security and will work to reform the health care gap in this country. This might not seem important to you, but one day you will be old or sick and we guarantee you, you're going to want ice cream. There is enough ice cream for the World Community and you. John Kerry will see to that, unless Terry McAuliffe acts like an asshole again and takes the bins of pistachio we've left out for Burkina Faso. Terry McAuliffe, incidentally, hates third-world debt relief.

5. Have you seen John Kerry's wife? John Kerry promises that she will do shit to make you laugh your ass off: crazy, out-of-the-box, next level shit that none of us can even imagine right now. Okay, we'll imagine it: She'll speak at a convention for kids with spina bifida and correct some kid's posture. John Kerry promises she'll do stuff like that all the time.

6. John Kerry will not make signs that boast "Mission: Accomplished" and then watch that mission spin completely out of control as thousands die and billions are spent on preemptive wars: John Kerry hates those signs.

There are many, many more reasons to elect John Kerry, but we need to make room for a bra ad.

Please do the right thing for the nation, the world, and yourself and elect John Kerry for President on November 2nd.

Now, who wants ice cream?

A handy guide to Bush's supporters (as seen from front and back), vol. 2

Earlier: A handy guide to Bush's supporters (as seen from front and back)

Coming Soon To A Town Near You!

Huge Cache of Explosives Vanished From Site in Iraq
by James Glanz, William J. Broad, and David E. Sanger, The New York Times, Oct. 25, 2004.

Worst case scenario: A deadly manuscript bomb set off in an American city.

Return of the Wolfman

Canidae Rovus: The North American Rove Wolf

The Wolfman's drawing: "How did the wolves get up in the tree?"

I dreamed that it is night and I am lying in my bed (the foot of my bed was under the window, and outside the window there was a row of old walnut trees. I know that it was winter in my dream, and night-time). Suddenly, the window opens of its own accord and terrified, I see that there are number of white wolves sitting in the big walnut tree outside the window...

So recounted Sergei Pankejeff, AKA "The Wolfman," to his doctor, the original Dr. Funkenstein himself, Sigmund Freud.

I thought about the Wolfman recently, since Freud might just be the man to decode Wolves, the new scare ad from the Bush/Cheney camp, released just in time for Halloween (Oooh, Veddy Scary!). There's a raw, hypnopompic quality to the spot: it has the sweaty, blurry feel of a nightmare. (A not dissimilar feeling to this entire gut-wrenching campaign season.)

In History of an Infantile Neurosis (quoted here from The Penguin Classics edition), Freud attempts to tease out just what led Pankejeff , the son of wealthy family that "lives on a country estate which in the summer they exchange for another country estate," to have this terrifying dream.

One early interpretation Freud floats out is Verkehrung, or reversal:

The attentive gaze, which in the dream he attributes to the wolves, is actually to be ascribed to him. [Emphasis mine]

Interesting. So the scary, skulking wolves are, in fact, Bush and Cheney? And the threat they represent are the President and Vice President's own? I'm sold!

Well, not so fast, Doc. Freud moved on from this interpretation and began to favor another: perhaps the dream's meaning lay in the age-old Freudian question "Who's your daddy?":

What was activated that night out of the chaos of unconscious traces left by a memory imprint was the image of coitus between the boy's parents in conditions that were not entirely usual and which lent themselves to observation.

What are these "not entirely usual" conditions the Wolfman witnessed? "[T]he man upright and the woman bent over, rather like an animal."

So, it's the old 'witnessing poppy hit it doggy-style made me do it defense'? "The wolf whom he feared was undoubtedly the father," Freud theorized. Sure, the good doctor was a bit hung up on the dad thing, but if you consider that the war in Iraq is a deeply Oedipal gesture on 43's part to symbolically supplant 41, we may be onto something. (Maureen Dowd is quite fond of this formulation.)

If we take it one step further—and you're willing to jump down the conspiracy rabbit hole just a little bit—you could say that Bush Sr. has actually helped terrorists, and is, in his own way, a wolf in Carlyle Group's clothing. (Michael Moore is quite fond of this formulation.)

C'mon!, you're saying right about now. That's the most pretentious shit I've ever heard! All this 'old European' sturm und drang does not speak to George Bush's all-American psyche. What the fuck does Sigmund Freud know about a good-old boy like Bush?

First I'd say, "You kiss your mama with that mouth, Rex?" Second, I'd say, fair enough. Freud might be a bit deep for Dubya, so let's look at a study of wolves that's a bit closer to home, like Jon T. Coleman's recently published Vicious: Wolves and Men in America.

According to Benjamin Schwarz's review of the book in the September Atlantic, fear—and hatred—of wolves led early American settlers to some truly horrifying extremes:

These canids were not merely annihilated: they were dragged behind horses until they ripped apart; they were set on fire; they were hamstrung; their backs were broken; they were captured alive to be released with their mouths or penises wired shut; their intestines were torn open by hooks hidden in balls of tallow left for them to eat. And as the abundant historical record shows, wolves responded to capture (they were regularly caught in traps or in their dens) not by lashing out but by submission; human beings as a matter of course ignored "a frightened creature's obvious pleas for mercy" and proceeded to torture.

The book's called Vicious for a reason.

If you've read this far, you're probably one of those Republican wingnuts who loves to knock down our arguments with the expert precision of The Howard Brothers and Fine Plumbers, you're probably thinking, Terrorists like Abu Musab al-Zarqawi will not respond with submission, you moron! These are cold blooded killers, not furry fucking woodland animals!

True enough, but what sort of ignorant, disingenuous fool would equate terrorists with wolves?

The answer to that question can be found at the end of the ad:

"I’m George W. Bush and I approve this message."

Sir, If I May Say, You Bomb Cambodians Like No Other. And I Find You Very Attractive.

Naked Without My Peace Prize: Henry Kissinger's body politic, 1974 Playgirl parody

Everybody loves Henry!

Well, at lease they used to, according to In Calls to Kissinger, Reporters Show That Even They Fell Under Super-K's Spell, by Scott Shane, The New York Times, Oct. 22, 2004:

"The only reason for this call was to tell you that despite all appearances to the contrary in this city you still have some friends."—CBS correspondent Marvin Kalb.

"It has been an extraordinary three years for me, and I have enjoyed it immensely. You are an intriguing man, and if I had a teacher like you earlier I might not have been so cynical"—Ted Koppel.

"I couldn't agree with you more, my friend... I will make a call and see what I can do"— James Reston, New York Times columnist.

Related: Long out of print, but partially online: Kissinger: The Adventures of Super-Kraut by Charles Ashman.

New York Post Really, Really, Really Endorses Bush. Really. For Real.

tell (n) A mannerism that gives away your holdings. Smiling when you have a big (very good) hand is an obvious tell. More subtle tells include iris dilation, a throbbing pulse, or acting in a certain manner in a given situation.

sub·text (n.) The implicit meaning or theme of a literary text.

These are not strong words of endorsement:

...quite good enough for us...

...Not flawlessly, not by a long shot, but competently enough...

...worry....

...No Child Left Behind act may mark the beginning of true reform...

...Quite well...

...enormous headway in eliminating threats...

... Iraq, of course, remains a work in progress. But all wars are "two steps forward, one step back" propositions; this one is no different...

...it is true that no weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq...

...Yes, Osama bin Laden — if he is in fact alive — remains at large...

...Again, WMDs were not found....

...U.S. efforts in Iraq are not finished. More than 1,000 troops have died, and billions have been spent. And pockets of strong resistance remain....

...New York, by the way, benefited disproportionately from Bush's tax cuts — because they were geared, in part, to aid Wall Street...

Wow, with endorsements like that, who needs endorsements?

But perhaps the key phrase—typed with hams on fist by an unreliable narrator worthy of Nabokov—is this withering appraisal of Osama bin Laden:

[H]e is increasingly a general without an army, and he is off-balance and on the run.

Really, really, really sounds like someone else, doesn't it? Really. For Real.

...And they paint beautiful handmade signs, too

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 40

Hooray for Charts!

God bless you, Mr. Tufte.

God is the Biggest Flip-Flopper of Them All

From Robertson Says Bush Predicted No Iraq Toll, by David D. Kirkpatrick, The New York Times, Oct. 21, 2004:

"In the CNN interview, [Pat] Robertson reversed himself on one prophecy. On his '700 Club' television program in January, he declared that Mr. Bush would win re-election 'in a walk,' and added, 'I really believe I'm hearing from the Lord it's going to be a blowout election in 2004.'

"On Tuesday, however, he conceded, 'I thought it was going to be a blowout, but I think it's razor thin now.'"

How much can we "trust" in God, if He can't be held a simple, clear point of view? Does God have the experience, the know-how, and the can-do attitude this country needs right now? Is God truly a uniter, or is He the worst divider known to man? It's time to send God and the other fat cats from heaven a message on November 2nd. Vote God out.

I'm the anti-Christ, and I approve this message.

We thank you for dutifully informing us of the past 24 hours' noteworthy injuries

Prince Harry? Mêléed! Crikey, the young lad was totally gutted about the face with a camera amidst some fracas with photogs!
("Prince Harry in nightclub scuffle", BBC News, October 21, 2004)

Fidel Castro? Yeah, he was hurt, too. Tripped and fell, and broke some bones. Hope he gets better!
("Castro Says He May Have Broken Bones", Associated Press, October 21, 2004)

Iraqi airline workers? Yep, 14 women were wounded, and one killed, when those troublesome insurgents opened fire on a bus carrying the women and, like, shot them and shit. The guns were totally fucking blazing, I bet.
("Iraqi air employees attacked", Associated Press, October 21, 2004)

Oh, and while we're on the subject, what are Prince Harry's thoughts on the American and British occupation of Iraq? He's never been as good-looking as his older brother, so I'd wager he's got this younger-child syndrome, and is all, "Wah wah, Iraq distracted us from Afghanistan."

This election season, be very, very, very afraid (of asinine accusations dropping from left and right)

One lucky terrorist clutches the Bush Adminstration's greatest nightmare, the uranium-equipped Vaccinatron 2000, which threatens to carry black-market flu vaccines into America's largest cities, thereby obliterating all old people

From "Bush Defends Himself Against Kerry's Charges", the Washington Post, October 20, 2004:

President Bush pivoted sharply to domestic issues Tuesday, parrying Democratic presidential nominee John F. Kerry's charges that the president had bungled the flu-vaccine program and would undermine Social Security in a second term.

With two weeks to go before Election Day, Kerry, fighting to reduce a small deficit in opinion polls, condemned Bush's policies on health care and economic matters. Bush largely dropped the offensive he started Monday against Kerry's credentials on security issues, moving quickly to defend his domestic record and charging that Kerry was willing to make outlandish assertions to win election.

[...]

Kerry aides said that in shifting to domestic concerns, Bush was responding to recent polls that show him with a narrow lead over Kerry but also show majorities of Americans saying the country is headed in the wrong direction. Bush aides said the president was not being defensive on domestic matters but rather tarring Kerry as a fear-monger using "old-style scare tactics" and as a candidate who would say anything to get elected – a charge Bush used effectively against Al Gore four years ago.

From "Kerry Discovers Flu Vaccine Shortage in Battle Against Bush", Bloomberg, October 20, 2004:

Bill Pierce, a spokesman for Thompson, defended the Bush administration's handling of the flu-vaccine issue. "What we don't need people to do is scare seniors,'' he said. "Senator Kerry has been doing that.''

And, finally, the coup de grace, from "Cheney, Invoking the Specter of a Nuclear Attack, Questions Kerry's Strength", the New York Times, October 20, 2004:

Vice President Dick Cheney cast doubt Tuesday on whether Senator John Kerry was strong enough to fight terrorism, and asserted that the nation might one day face terrorists "in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us,'' including a nuclear bomb.

As he toured southern Ohio by bus seeking to energize Republican supporters, Mr. Cheney hit hard on a central theme of the Bush campaign: that the president has a better grasp than Mr. Kerry of the threats facing the nation, and the will to stymie terrorists. As in previous campaigning, the vice president invoked the specter of terrorists' attacking an American city.

"The biggest threat we face now as a nation,'' he said, "is the possibility of terrorists' ending up in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us - biological agents or a nuclear weapon or a chemical weapon of some kind - to be able to threaten the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans.''

Kerry Not a Heretic

Just in case you were wondering, it looks like John Kerry is not a heretic after all. And he got cleared by the No. 2 guy at the Inquisition, no less. From The New York Times:

BOSTON, Oct. 19 - The Roman Catholic Church's official news service quoted an unnamed Vatican official on Tuesday as saying John Kerry was "not a heretic" for his stance on abortion rights.

The article by The Catholic News Service also quoted an unnamed Vatican official as saying Mr. Kerry was not about to be excommunicated because "you can incur excommunication" automatically "only if you procure or perform an abortion."

[...]

But on Tuesday, Father Di Noia, an American priest who is highly influential in his position as under secretary of the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, took steps to distance himself from the letter. He told The Catholic News Service that "the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith has had no contact with Mr. Balestrieri" and that Mr. Balestrieri's "claim that the private letter he received from Father Basil Cole is a Vatican response is completely without merit."

Father Di Noia's remarks to the news service seem to reflect a reluctance by at least some Vatican officials to be perceived as trying to meddle in an American presidential election, experts on the Vatican said.

Way back a long time ago, there was an ugly sentiment in this country that the Catholic Church was a foreign organization whose leadership went out of its way to control the decisions of its members, and that its members, therefore, could not be trusted to be good American citizens. Of course, that view was just used as a pretext by Americans who were simply anti-immigrant. But it seems to me that the (admittedly very few) bishops who are going around saying that it's a sin to vote for pro-choice candidates are playing into exactly that stereotype.

Naturally, the bishops have as much right as anyone else to express their opinions, but it seems to me that threatening people with hellfire based on their electoral choices goes beyond "expressing one's opinion." This columnist from the Philadelphia Inquirer has some related thoughts on the issue. One of the points he makes is that the Church has outlawed both abortion and contraception, and it occurs to me that much in the same way that the vast majority of the laiety completely ignore the bishops on the issue of birth control, they will likewise ignore this attempt to dictate who people should and should not vote for. And for the record, the purpose of this paragraph is NOT, repeat NOT to criticize the rank-and-file members of the Catholic Church. I'm not criticizing all of the American bishops even. Just the ones that are saying it is a sin to vote one way or another.

EARLIER: God Plays His Hand

Attack of the Weasel Vaccines

Courtesy, Asthmatic Weasels Blog.

From the BBC:

Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson said on Tuesday that vaccine manufacturer Aventis Pasteur would be able to produce an extra 2.6 million doses.

What Secretary Thompson neglected to mention was that the so-called Aventis is the result of a merger between a French (Rhône-Poulenc) and a German (Hoechst) company. Does the Bush Administration not realize that this company practically personifies the Axis of Weasel? Is it not possible that these vaccines could secretly contain defeatist chemicals intended to weaken our country's resolve? Should they not, at least, label these vaccines such that patriotic Americans can be aware of the origins of the vaccines being injected into their (equally patriotic) children?

Speed Bump on the Campaign Trail

Thrown Under the Bus: Karl Rove, in an un-doctored photo, below Air Force One

For many of us, it's a dream come true: Bush Adviser Lays Under Air Force One.

Sadly, the plane was motionless: Rove lives to scheme another day. I guess it's just another example of what a wacky card that Rove can be! (No, not that Card, wiseguy.) Wanna know Rove's next hee-larious joke? Wait 'till November 2nd: It's on you... and you... and you... and you...

Related: Anyone else notice that this photo has an uncanny visual symmetry with this famous shot?

God Plays His Hand

From The New York Times, Letter Supports Anti-Kerry Bid Over Abortion:

A canon lawyer seeking to have Senator John Kerry excommunicated by the Roman Catholic Church because of his support for abortion rights said on Monday that he had ammunition in the form of a letter issued at the request of a senior Vatican official.

Although the "senior Vatican official" is not named by the Times, draw your own conclusions.

The Real Team America: World Police

America—Fuck Yeah!

The New York Review of Books' excellent caricaturist David Levine one-ups Trey Parker and Matt Stone in this week's issue.

Also, for political views a bit more cogent than those dudes' "dicks-pussies-assholes" analysis, check out this special section featuring Kwame Anthony Appiah, Norman Mailer, Michael Ignatieff, and others on the election.

(Thus concludes our extensive Team America coverage for the day.)

Well, That's One Way Around the McCain-Feingold Regulations

"George W. Bush" robs a bank in Pennsylvania and The Smoking Gun has the security camera stills. Not pictured: Rumsfeld behind the wheel of the getaway car.

Earlier: Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon rob several California banks.

Reality Used To Be A Friend of Ours

From Ron Suskind's Without a Doubt, The New York Times Magazine, Oct. 17, 2004:

"In the summer of 2002, after I had written an article in Esquire that the White House didn't like about Bush's former communications director, Karen Hughes, I had a meeting with a senior adviser to Bush. He expressed the White House's displeasure, and then he told me something that at the time I didn't fully comprehend — but which I now believe gets to the very heart of the Bush presidency.

"The aide said that guys like me were 'in what we call the reality-based community,' which he defined as people who 'believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality.' I nodded and murmured something about enlightenment principles and empiricism. He cut me off. 'That's not the way the world really works anymore,' he continued. 'We're an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you're studying that reality — judiciously, as you will — we'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that's how things will sort out. We're history's actors . . . and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.'"

Donald Rumsfeld on whether wrestling has helped him in his current job (earlier on low culture, via Brendan Bernhard in The LA Weekly):

“It does... First of all, the friendships, the discipline, the reality that you have to produce and make a contribution. So I feel very fortunate that I was able to wrestle for all those years."

She's Spunky! Well, Actually, She's Probably Not

From the idiots what brung you Rove & Rover

EARLIER, indelicately: John Kerry, Debate 2004: Gay, gay, gay, gay, gaygaygaygay

EARLIER, sanctimoniously: "Mention of Gay Daughter a Cheap Trick, Lynne Cheney Says", Washington Post

Flawless

One of my favorite games as a kid was to have my dad read me the headlines of op-ed columns and let me guess what the writers were going to say. We used to call it "The Great American Thesis Guessing Game," and we'd pass many joyful hours this way, usually as I waited for my various spelling bees and model U.N. to begin or on the train to an educational weekend trip to Washington, D.C., Philadelphia, or Colonial Williamsburg (where I learned all about early American trucker hats). It was my absolute favorite game after memorizing every state comptroller and listing all the elements on the periodic table in weight order.

Maybe I was feeling nostalgic for those bygone days (the humdrum accomplishments of being an "adult" are so boring compared to the achievements I enjoyed as an adorable, opinionated child genius), since this morning I decided to play my favorite game with John "Norman's Son" Podhoretz's latest New York Post opus (Popus?), BUSH'S BIGGEST FLAW.

Ooh, ooh! I can guess! I can guess!

·He loves too much?
·Lips move when reading?
·Adult-onset backne?
·Doesn't like cats?
·Cannot—simply can not—change printer toner?
·Obsessed with reality TV?
·Lacks "salty" taste-buds?
·Memory wipes clean every three minutes like a goldfish?
·Never washes hands after going to the bathroom?
·Right so often, he makes everyone around him look bad?
·Loves Maroon 5?
·Never cries at the end of Titanic?

So, Pod-man, what's Bush's "biggest" flaw?

"His capacity for complacency."

Damn. How could I have missed that one? My dad's gonna be so disappointed when we go to bird-watching this weekend.

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 39

(With thanks to Chris M., again.)

"Profiling the Elusive Undecided Voter," or, "When teenagers who can't vote are smarter than the nimrods who can"

These people might benefit from President Bush's repeated invocation of "education" as the great social cure-all in last night's debate.

In today's New York Times, we elite-coasters finally get to meet – up close and personal – that rare breed of imbecilic American voter who hasn't been able to glean a fucking difference between Candidate A and Candidate B (perhaps better known as President George "God says I can kill people" Bush and Senator John "You may want to reconsider the implications of engaging in such an act of wanton destruction, for acts of such nature rarely lead to success, and more often bring us down the path of national woe and angst, which is German for despair" Kerry).

While we wait for the poll tax to be re-jiggered such that one needs to pass a fucking news-reading test in order to exercise their precious right to vote, here are some tragic highlights of the Times' "After the Final Debate, Some Voters Are Still Sitting on the Fence":

The Great Undecided Masses, on Kerry's indelicate reminder that the Vice President's daughter is a homo:

"That is very unfair," blurted Patsey Farrell, 64, one of a handful of undecided voters gathered here to watch the final presidential debate Wednesday night. "I'm sorry, that's too personal. That's too hurtful."

Painful, hurtful, Mrs. Farrell? Not unlike the idea that President Bush wants to introduce a galvanizing amendment to the U.S. Constitution that alienates an entire class of citizens? You dimwitted bitch.

The Great Undecided Masses, on discomforting moments in the debate:

Mr. Uhde cringed when Mr. Bush made an attempt at a joke about "credible news organizations" - and also when Mr. Kerry defended himself against Mr. Bush's accusation that he voted 98 times to raise taxes by saying "everybody knows" you can play with the votes.

"Not everybody does know that," Mr. Uhde said, annoyed at being made to feel stupid. "Not everybody understands when you say, 'play with the votes.' He's not explaining why he did it."

Here's some credible news for you, Mr. Uhde. You are, in fact, pretty fucking stupid.

The Great Undecided Masses, on irony and their inability to get a fairly well-crafted joke:

Mrs. Farrell said that Mr. Kerry had proved himself a better debater, but that she was turned off by his comment about "marrying up," perhaps because his wealthy wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, has left a bad taste with her blunt comments during the campaign.

"I think I trust Bush more than I trust Kerry," she said after it was over.

Christ, Mrs. Farrell, you're really testing our patience here. Try reading some topical news for once instead of inundating yourself with Bush campaign ads while you watch reruns of Hannity and Colmes.

The Great Undecided Masses, on being a selfish American:

Phyllis Bobb, 68, a member of the church, said of the president, "He's not responding well." Ms. Bobb, 68, said she would vote for "the person who will help seniors."

Good going, Mrs. Bobb. It's really impressive how you're able to winnow down the needs of a nation of hundreds of millions of citizens (many of whom will likely be subjected to a bankrupted Social Security system, a widening class-system divide, and an environment on the brink of destruction) to the concerns of a smattering of near-death people in walkers. That's some considerate shit.

The Great Undecided Masses, on skipping biology class in high school:

And during a discussion on abortion, Mr. Brokenborough, 52, turned away from the television to say, "Who is going to be the advocate for the baby?"

That's a powerful question, Mr. Brokenborough. And who will be the advocate for my fingernails, which I just trimmed, or my hair, which I just had cut at a delightful salon on the Upper East Side, or perhaps the formerly functional legs and arms of several soldiers who subsequently lost limbs in the past few days of bombings and attacks in Iraq?

The Great Undecided Masses, on the merits of statistics:

But Mr. Kerry's performance left Jay Edmonds, 77, wishing for a little more clarity. After the Democratic candidate cited the number of job losses in Arizona and the lower pay of the jobs created in their place, Mr. Edmonds shook his head.

"I don't know about all those numbers," he said. "I can't add them up that fast."

Well, Mr. Edmonds, I don't think you add job losses to lower wages. In mathematical terms, this might be considered to be two different equations or aspects of the same problem – though nonetheless fundamentally linked. Sort of like an x- and y-axis, you fucking idiot.

The Great Undecided Masses, on senior citizens' sleeping habits, taking into account the fact they often inexplicably get up at dawn:

Although several residents dozed off about 20 minutes into the Bush-Kerry show, Mrs. Small continued to watch intently.

Good for you, Mrs. Small. You may be uncertain as for whom you're going to be casting a ballot in a few weeks, but at least you're able to stay upright in your chair, all the while subjecting yourself to the theatrics of this third and final debate.

The Sun-Sentinel newspaper in South Florida, meanwhile, went another route and interviewed, get this, teenagers for their thoughts on the debate they'd just witnessed. You know, teenagers. Those young Americans who are old enough to be executed, yes, but not to vote. And, sadly, in contrast with the intelligentsia-stragglers profiled above by the New York Times, Florida's population of the under-18 set comes off like a bunch of aspirationally-observant geniuses.

From the Sun-Sentinel's "Reaction from teens to the presidential debate":

"Although this debate proved to be the most entertaining, the candidates' contentions have surpassed repetitive and reached mind-numbing. There is a significant difference between using colloquialisms to appeal to the nation and simply conveying sheer ignorance. The president crossed that line."

Anjali Sharma, 15, Pine Crest School

"Overall I think Bush gets a C-. At least he's consistent with his Yale grades. Kerry presented a persuasive alternative to the spiral downward that the incumbent has (mis)lead us into."

Bret Vallacher, 16, St. Andrews School

"Tonight's final debate solidified much of America's position on the upcoming election. From a debating standpoint, George Bush was constantly on the defensive while Kerry, for the third time, acted as the more presidential of the two. Bush failed to provide significant backing for his statements, instead resorting to childish defensiveness against legitimate political attacks."

Eric Perelman, 16, Spanish River High School

"Since the second debate both candidates have grown hostile toward each other. But now both of them have seemed to even out the playing field. Unfortunately for Bush, his political growth is too little, too late. Overall, these debates have turned out to be quite a debacle for Bush's campaign."

Shivam Upadhyaya, 13, Stranahan High School

Note that this last kid is fucking 13 years old. Someone ought to introduce young Shivam to the Uhde family mentioned earlier.

Lies, Falsehoods, and Total Fabrications, vol. 1

We hold these lies to be self-evident...

Several prominent psychologists speculate that if Bush wins the election, the national suicide rate will increase by as much as 35%.

George Bush wrote a poem in high school called "Little Me, in Poppy's Shadow."

Teresa Heinz was a back-up singer for Bob Dylan's Rolling Thunder Revue tour.

As a young man, Donald Rumsfeld used to run numbers with Malcolm X, then known as "Detroit Red."

John Kerry keeps all of his kids' baby teeth in a satchel in his pocket. He rubs them when he's nervous.

The Bush twins were conjoined at birth, sharing a liver. This is why they get drunk so easily.

John Edwards's battle with a childhood illness formed the basis of the 1976 after-school special, The Boy in the Plastic Bubble starring John Travolta.

It has been proven that electronic voting machines are essentially the same technology as the Simple Simon light game.

Condoleezza Rice had a small speaking part in the film version of Hair.

Laura Bush is allergic to most root vegetables.

O, what a manly man! As an undecided voter, I admit that I might be swayed by his powerful aura of masculinity

And, hey there, swing-state voters, don't forget that Senator John Kerry used to be in a rock n' roll band.

Debate 2004: Gay, gay, gay, gay, gaygaygaygay

From last night's third and final debate in Tempe, Arizona, between Democratic Sen. John Kerry and Republican President George W. Bush, a line uttered by Kerry in response to a question by moderator Bob Schieffer of CBS News about whether homosexuality is a "choice," or genetically ingrained, or something that one ill-advisedly buys in the check-out line at Target:

"We're all God's children, Bob. And I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you that she's being who she was, she's being who she was born as."

EARLIER: V.P. Candidate John Edwards on the gaygaygay issue

EVEN EARLIER: President George W. Bush on the gaygaygay issue.

Hopefully, the reminder that a cruel and offensively dehumanizing constitutional amendment is at stake puts all this in perspective for Democratic partisans who may have grimaced in awkward discomfort at last night's utterances by John Kerry, as sampled above.

Cherish the Memories: Iraqi Yearbook Photos (8x10 blowups available via Jostens)

(both images via AP Photo/Anja Niedringhaus)

"Fine, Daddy, I'll Talk to the Goddamn Kiwanis Club for you... Oh my god, are those Buffalo Wings Free!?!"

Tomorrow's Corrections Today, vol. 5

Slated to appear on the New York Times' Corrections page, October 12, 2004:

Because of an editing error, an article in yesterday's International News section by Terence Neilan about the release of Yaser E. Hamdi, an American citizen who had been held in U.S. prisons for three years without having charges filed against him (until a Supreme Court ruling in June found the detention to be unlawful), "U.S. Returns Detainee to Saudi Arabia After 3 Years", was both erroneously titled and published too early. The corrected article was slated to run in late January 2005, and should have been titled "U.S. Returns President to Texas After 4 Years". The Times regrets the error.

Campaign 2004: David Cobb for President (Only kidding. Sort of.)

We loves us some nuance when it comes to saying whether or not invading Iraq was a good idea. Or maybe just endorsing the resolution approving the matter. Or whatever. We hate nuance.

George W. Bush, October 9, 2004:

"Knowing what I know today, I would have made the same decision. The world is safer with Saddam in a prison cell."

Dick Cheney, October 7, 2004:

Vice President Dick Cheney asserted in Miami Thursday that the report justifies rather than invalidates Bush's decision to go to war. It shows that "delay, defer, wasn't an option," Cheney told a town-hall style meeting.

John Kerry, August, 2004:

Asked by a reporter, he said he would have voted for the resolution - even in the absence of evidence of weapons of mass destruction - before adding his usual explanation that he would have subsequently handled everything leading up to the war differently.

John Edwards, October 8, 2004:

Democratic vice presidential candidate John Edwards said last week's Central Intelligence Agency report confirming the absence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq hasn't convinced him it was a mistake to authorize President George W. Bush to take military action.

"The vote on the resolution was the right vote, even in hindsight,'' Edwards, a first-term U.S. senator from North Carolina, said in an interview aboard his campaign plane on Oct. 8. "It was the right vote to give the president the authority to confront Saddam Hussein,'' he said. "That's what would have given the president the power that would have allowed the weapons inspectors back into Iraq.''

RELATED: Cobb/LaMarche 2004, "Vote Green for Peace"

Campaign 2004: How do the candidates treat their youngest supporters?

President Bush bestowing kisses upon a baby in Chanhassen, MN, Oct. 9, 2004. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

Hannah Palcic, 5, inadvertently being forced to re-enact a Vietnam P.O.W. ritual at a Kerry rally in Albuquerque, NM, Oct. 10, 2004. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)

Democracy in Action

From The New York Times Letters page, Thursday, October 7:

To the Editor:
The debate on Tuesday was really a debate between substance and fluff.
...
If you enjoy fluff, John Edwards won. But if you want substance and a clear understanding of the issues, Dick Cheney won by a landslide.
Jason Richard Hochstrasser
University Place, Wash.
Oct. 6, 2004

From a mass email from Bush Campaign Manager Ken Mehlman, received Wednesday, October 6, 6:13 am:

Dear Guy,
Edwards failed as a credible advocate for John Kerry last night and Dick Cheney proved that substance will always trump spin.
...
Write letters to the editors of your local papers.
...
Sincerely,
Ken Mehlman
P.S.  Even as one of the nation's best trial lawyers, John Edwards failed as a credible advocate for John Kerry last night and Dick Cheney proved that substance will always trump spin...

Sorry Jason, but we checked - if you live in University Place, Washington, your local paper is actually the Seattle Times Tacoma News Tribune. You've made this mistake before, let's not do it again.

(And dude, getting a perfect Math League score ain't much of a chick magnet.)

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 38

An art-history undergrad's C-plus critique of the occupation of Iraq

(Anja Niedringhaus/Associated Press)

O, what beauty has been sown from destruction! As with Picasso's famed "Guernica," art aficionados once again have the opportunity to witness anew the innermost depths of visual purity that have arisen from the turmoil and despair of some mysterious "other."

Ostensibly having undertaken a photographic portrait of today's rocket strike upon a hotel in central Baghdad, the artist, Anja Niedringhaus, has done an exceptional job of framing the composition in such a manner that the merits of using the classical painterly technique known as chiaroscuro become, well, painfully obvious. Notice the interplay between light and dark in Niedringhaus' image, the way in which the otherwise abstract notion of "Iraqi rage" billows outward and takes on a life of its own amidst the spiritual and political darkness of the Western world – here represented by the image's being set at nighttime.

Furthermore, be sure not to disregard the inherent conflict between "nature" and "mankind" as it is displayed herein; take note of the image's striking left-and-right contrast between the fluidly burning palm trees and the sharp, jarring architecture of the civilized world. Or the usage of the color yellow as the portrait's focal point; one is literally drawn into this veritable heart of fiery Baghdad, where, hopefully, the viewer will be able to partake of the wonderfully restored social services (e.g. the reconstruction of fire stations and water pipes) that have been restored by Halliburton and Bechtel. What? Am I missing something?

"Goddammit, why did you have to go and bring that up?"

NEWS FLASH FOR GOD-FEARING MIDDLE AMERICANS WHO DON'T FOLLOW THE NEWS VERY CLOSELY (by way of John Edwards' deft placement of this small nugget of information within the context of last night's vice presidential debate): Vice President Dick Cheney has a homosexual daughter.

EDWARDS: ...Now, as to this question, let me say first that I think the vice president and his wife love their daughter. I think they love her very much. And you can't have anything but respect for the fact that they're willing to talk about the fact that they have a gay daughter, the fact that they embrace her. It's a wonderful thing.

Yes, Senator Edwards, and it's also a wonderful thing that you were able to remind the Republican Party's conservative base that Cheney, their chief standard-bearer in oppressing the oppressed, was clearly a very bad parent by right-wing Christian fundamentalist standards, in that he raised a daughter who is now a homosexual. In addition to being a homosexual, Mary Cheney is also purportedly a lesbian or dyke, or whatever labels or epithets conservatives would like to use as they harass and/or beat up gay people in cities and towns across America.

Oh, Dick, Dick, Dick...where did you go so wrong? And what else have you not been forthright about in terms of a possible penchant for supporting and encouraging sinful acts? We'll never know, as the Vice President was able to skillfully conclude this line of uncomfortable (and far too revealing) questioning rather abruptly:

IFILL: Mr. Vice President, you have 90 seconds.

CHENEY: Well, Gwen, let me simply thank the senator for the kind words he said about my family and our daughter.

I appreciate that very much.

IFILL: That's it?

CHENEY: That's it.

IFILL: OK, then we'll move on to the next question.

I'm very forgetful...when did you say the last debate took place?

From the transcript of last night's sole vice-presidential debate in Cleveland, Ohio:

"What the vice president has just said is just a complete distortion. The American people saw John Kerry on Thursday night. They don't need the vice president or the president to tell them what they saw."

"The AIDS epidemic in Africa, which is killing millions and millions of people and is a frightening thing not just for the people of Africa but also for the rest of the world, that, combined with the genocide that we're now seeing in Sudan, are two huge moral issues for the United States of America, which John Kerry spoke about eloquently last Thursday night."

"I agree with John Kerry from Thursday night, that the danger of nuclear weapons getting in the hands of terrorists is one of the greatest threats that America faces."

"And the American people saw for themselves on Thursday night the strength, resolve, and backbone that I, myself, have seen in John Kerry."

"John Kerry made clear on Thursday night that -- I'm sorry, I broke the rules. We made clear -- we made clear on Thursday night that we will do that, and we will do it aggressively."

Wait, I get it. John Kerry won that debate quite decisively, and you're reminding the public of that fact. Nicely done, and none-too-subtle!

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 37

Earlier: How to Replace Your Lesbian Daughter

Biting the (Invisible?) Hand

It's often observed of George W. Bush that, per the old saw, he was born on third base but he thinks he hit a triple. On the other hand, like him or loathe him, Dick Cheney came from humbler circumstances, and must be given some credit for the sharp elbows and all-American ambition that led him to success. But don't let's get too misty-eyed prasing Dick for his enterprise, because he's not all that different from Dubya when it comes to admitting that he may not have done it all by himself.

As we await the vice-presidential debate, this exchange from the 2000 VP debate comes to mind:

LIEBERMAN: I think if you asked most people in America today that famous question that Ronald Reagan asked, "Are you better off today than you were eight years ago?" Most people would say yes. I'm pleased to see, Dick, from the newspapers that you're better off than you were eight years ago, too.

CHENEY: I can tell you, Joe, the government had absolutely nothing to do with it. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)[emphasis added]

Oh really? This lone-wolfish insouciance comes from a guy who has been working in government since the late 60's and whose father and father-in-law were both federal civil servants. He seems more than happy to accept the largesse that comes with being a public servant, including free, world-class health care, a government pension, and free trips in a Gulfstream jet to go duck-hunting with pals. Now, all of these goodies probably don't mean much to a man with a net worth of $50 million, but as far as we know, he hasn't forsworn any of these perks, nor has he offered to pay for them himself. Guess big government isn't always so reprehensible. (But maybe he can't help it -- it's just that pernicious "culture of dependency"...)

Most of Cheney's fortune, of course, comes from his tenure at Halliburton, and while we must all tip our hats to the chutzpah of a man who appointed himself to the positions of CEO and running mate, could Halliburton's abrupt decision to hire Cheney -- who had no prior experience in business management -- have had anything to do with the Cheney's work in government, or, specifically, the fact that, as Secretary of Defense, he'd awarded lucrative contracts to Halliburton as part of a program to outsource military functions to private contractors?

Nah.

An old Rove mind trick

From the New York Times:

But in a sign that the Bush campaign suddenly found itself on the defensive, the president's chief political adviser, Karl Rove, who is normally elusive to the press, sought out reporters to push the campaign's argument that Mr. Kerry was a walking contradiction on Thursday night and that Mr. Bush was focused and pensive during the encounter, not peevish.

Rove: You don't need to see Bush's qualifications.
Press Corps: We don't need to see Bush's qualifications.

Rove: Bush was focused and pensive.
Press Corps: Bush was focused and pensive.

Rove: Kerry is most likely a pedophile.
Press Corps: Kerry is most likely a pedophile.

Morning-after cockiness, manifest on the airport tarmac

And he'll remain this cocky all weekend long, until Karl Rove implies that Kerry is a pedophile. Or so we heard.

Debate 2004: "Daddy's really fucking up, isn't he?"

So safe, it hurts

From George W. Bush's unofficial opening arguments in last night's first presidential debate with Democratic nominee Sen. John Kerry:

"In Iraq we saw a threat and we realized that after Sept. 11 we must take threats seriously before they fully materialize. Saddam Hussein now sits in a prison cell. America and the world are safer for it."

Visual reinforcement, from A.P. wire service images taken over the last 48 hours, of America's steady progress in President Bush' War on Terror™ or however it's being billed at this moment. I'm guessing that the "safety zone" is located well outside Baghdad's notorious "Green Zone" enclave.

An Iraqi soldier, Ahmed Ali, breaks down after seeing the dead bodies of several children when two car bombs and a roadside bomb went off in succession in the al-Amel neighborhood of Baghdad, Iraq, Thursday Sept. 30, 2004 killing 35 children and seven adults. The bombs in Baghdad's al-Amel neighborhood caused the largest death toll of children in any insurgent attack since the conflict began 17 months ago. (AP Photo/Khalid Mohammed)

The dead bodies of four children are seen at a hospital in Fallujah, Iraq, Thursday Sept. 30, 2004. The children died when the car they were travelling in allegedly came under fire from U.S. forces, whereby the driver lost control and the car fell into a stream near Fallujah, Thursday . Eyewitness Hussein Alwan said that the U.S. military personnel stopped locals from assisting the drowning people, leading to the death of the four children along with two other women travelling in the car. The wounded driver was later rescued. The U.S. military media liason personnel said in Baghdad that they were unaware of any such incident. (AP Photo/Bilal Hussein)

An unidentified mother waits by her daughter's bedside after two car bombs and a roadside bomb went off in succession at al-Amel neighborhood of Baghdad, Iraq, Thursday, Sept. 30, 2004. At least 37 were killed, of which 34 are children and nearly 137 got wounded in the attack. (AP Photo/Samir Mizban)

Women cry as they await for news of the fate of their children, outside Yarmouk hospital, after two car bombs and a roadside bomb went off in succession at al-Amel neighborhood of Baghdad, Iraq, Thursday Sept. 30, 2004. At least 37 were killed, most of them children, and 137 were wounded in the attack, hospital and military officials said. 10 U.S. soldiers are amongst the wounded. (AP Photo/Samir Mizban)

A U.S. armored vehicle waits near the site of car bomb attack in Abu Ghraib, Baghdad, Iraq, Thursday Sept. 30, 2004. At least three died and 60 were reportedly injured in the attack. (AP Photo/Khalid Mohammed)

The news networks covering the debate, the best they know how

Selected highlights from the cable news networks' coverage of the buildup to last night's first presidential debate between Pres. George W. Bush and Sen. John Kerry, as aired September 30, 2004:

CNN, PAULA ZAHN NOW: Zero Hour Nears For Presidential Debate, WOLF BLITZER, noted company man, 8:48 PM:

"Fascinating, indeed. Our viewers will be fascinated, no doubt. We'll be watching very closely. Bill Hemmer, we'll get back to you.

For our viewers who are really interested in politics and want answers to a whole range of questions, go to CNN.com. Incredible amount of information on this presidential race, the history, the current status, CNN.com. That's the place you want to be for politics."

MSNBC, Pre-Debate Countdown, hosted by Chris Matthews, TUCKER ASKEW, Bush White House communications adviser and noted grade-school punning champion, 8:18 PM:

"...Kerry's a master debater..."

FOX News, FOX Report with Shepard Smith, SHEPARD SMITH, news anchor, fearmonger, and ratings whore, 7:59 PM:

"Stay tuned, as the war on terror continues on FOX..."

An analysis of the president's idea of hard work

I know what you're saying. This is too easy, but nonetheless...

"In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard."

Which is why my back is clenched up so tight it's ready to snap.

"I wake up every day thinking about how best to protect America. That's my job...There's a lot of really good people working hard to do so. It's hard work."

I'm not really sure what any of this shit means, but I refuse to tell people to go to georgewbush.com

"It's-and it's hard work. I understand how hard it is. I get the casualty reports every day. I see on the TV screens how hard it is. But it's necessary work."

Watching TV is really hard, yeah, especially the one at the White House with the TiVo. Have you tried to operate TiVo? It's really hard. And Cheney is always stealing the damn remote.

"The plan says we'll train Iraqi soldiers so they can do the hard work, and we are."

And it was really hard to think up a plan, we wouldn't want to waste all that hard work just because it doesn't work.

"We're making progress. It is hard work. It is hard work to go from a tyranny to a democracy. It's hard work to go from a place where people get their hands cut off or executed to a place where people are free."

It's hard work to go from a televised quagmire to speeches about progress, we're running out of material.

"And, you know, I think about Missy Johnson, fantastic young lady I met in Charlotte, N.C., she and her son, Brian. They came to see me. Her husband, P.J., got killed-been in Afghanistan, went to Iraq. You know, it's hard work to try to love her as best as I can knowing full well that the decision I made caused her, her loved one to be in harm's way."

Wait a minute! Is the president admitting an affair here? Whoa, bombshell!

"Yeah, we're the job done. It's hard work. Everybody knows it's hard work because there's a determined enemy that's trying to defeat us."

And that enemy is John Kerry, no wait, Saddam Hussein - no, that's not it. Warmer?

"We've done a lot of hard work together over the last three and a half years."

Well, mostly I watched it on television, but you get the idea.

The Manchurian Debate

"...and that's where the snipers will be perched."

Fools / Russian

George W. Bush, left, and Vladimir Lenin, right (and probably the only time these two can ever be said to be approximating these respective positions, mind you).

Highlights of John Kerry's recent attempts to grapple with humor, or, the newly-introduced "Laughter Initiative 2004"

Just an ill-informed guess, but Presidential candidate John Kerry appears to be scouring the latest issue of The Onion for ideas pertaining to "what is funny" and "what to do at the Mercury Lounge later this evening"

The Associated Press, in the wake of other reports on the success of the Bush camp's usage of humor at political rallies earlier this week, has now provided equal time to the president's opponent in a rote assessment of John Kerry's skills at invoking laughter.

Literally – the piece is rote and by the numbers.

According to the piece's writer, Nedra Pickler, "even while speaking on the very serious topic of Iraq last week at New York University, Kerry made the audience laugh six times at President Bush's expense." Did you get that? Six laughs, to be precise. Furthermore, the subject matter of Iraq is deemed to be "very serious" for some inexplicable reason, though Sen. Kerry has been able to invoke "laughs" and "chuckles" from audiences who have been treated to his riffs on the President's disavowal of bad news in our latest colonial acquisition. Later, we learn that audience members have also "guffawed" at these events, but it remains unsaid whether or not anyone may have ventured so far as to "chortle", though that's a definite likelihood if they were treated to Kerry's time-tested "Bush is sooooo stupid, that..." routine. Seriously, that bit kills every Tuesday night at the Laugh Factory.

Thankfully, Pickler assists politically-minded stand-up comics everywhere by detailing some of the senator's signature lines:

Kerry said the occupation of Iraq is riddled with problems, "yet today, President Bush tells us that he would do everything all over again, the same way." Kerry paused for affect before asking sarcastically, "How can he possibly be serious?"

Oh, fuck, that snide sumbitch! He pulled the asshole card right there! (Full disclosure: I, too, am an asshole.) Hmmm. This quandary creates some sort of mid-post smug-asshole-dilemma, I suspect, that can only be resolved by a battle of humorous invocations of colloquialisms:

Kerry used an idiom likely to be heard among teenagers in a shopping mall, but not on the Senate floor.

"You're going to hear all this talk, `Oh, we've turned the corner, we're doing better, blah, blah,'" he said, running on the phrase as his Wisconsin audience erupted in laughter. "You know, blah and blah and blah."

Damn, he really has been polishing his material by watching a great deal of MTV2 and Fuse...since my initial instincts, as a recreational reader of Lingua Franca and Congressional Quarterly, were to recommend that Kerry try something more traditional, along the lines of: "You will proceed to hear a series of speeches emanating from the President's operatives, henceforth declaring, 'We have turned the corner, we're doing better, et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum.'" The senator from Massachusetts, on the other hand, clearly knows his shit.

To demonstrate this, we've got this nugget of merriment:

Kerry was cracking up his partisan crowd by telling Wisconsin voters they shouldn't be wary of changing horses midstream when the horse is drowning. He tied the metaphor to reports that the Bush campaign insisted that podiums in Thursday's debate be set relatively far apart to obscure Kerry's five-inch height advantage.

"May I also suggest that we need a taller horse?" he said. "You can get through deeper waters that way."

From an objective standpoint, even I can admit that qualifying this bit as "funny" is a stretch that even Olympic medalist Carly Patterson wouldn't attempt to make (Ha, ha...see you next week at the clubs, suckas!!!).

"I've got a debate...this week. This week. People will hate me. They already do. I'm boring, they say. Fuck them! And my wife, my wife...she still loves her dead husband. Hey, you, get me another Sam Adams right here. This one'll be gone real fast."

RELATED: "A Beer with John Kerry," GQ, September 2004, by Michael Hainey. An actual excerpt:

GQ: Beer good for you?

JK: Sure.

GQ: [to bartender] Two Buds.

GQ: Cheers, Senator.

JK: I had a tough day. Damn hot.

You mean, they have journalists in Iraq too? Shit, you're kidding right?

A whole lot of back and forth has gone on in the realm of media bias critiques, punditry and the like claiming that FOX News is too conservative and the NY Times too liberal, etc. In particular, analysts have wondered whether media bias has filtered out good news from Iraq or if, like Vietnam-era journalism, war is simply an ugly story to cover. Of course, it is.

Mistake or not, Iraq is supposed to be an emergent democracy now and all of this bias bickering - which is truly nothing new in America - obscures Iraqi journalism and the development of a free press. Of course, how could those childish and crazy Iraqis possibly have any clue how to write anything objective?

Maybe, just maybe... the Iraqi weekly Al Zawra answers the question "Who Kills Hostages in Iraq?" as well as providing "An Inventory of Iraqi Resistance Groups," translated for American consumption here through the Project on Government Secrecy site. While pundits bicker, most resistance stories in the American press focus on beheadings and terror masterminds, searching for Al Qaeda links. Al Zawra gives us the lowdown on the growing organization and scope of the actual resistance movements, where they come from, and how they're structured.

Sorry, it's "grave." Just grave, nothing more.

"Hey, good luck in Iraq, you guys...You've got it easy. My advisers tell me it's getting better over there. Wait, what?"

Via Agence France-Presse: "US President George W. Bush shakes hands with some of the 292 US soldiers aboard a charter jet at Bangor International Airport in Maine. Bush boarded the jet in an impromptu event shaking hands with all the soldiers before they flew to Iraq to serve (AFP/Stephen Jaffe)"

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 36

Loose lips sink Freudian slips

From "Quick exit from Iraq is likely" by Robert Novak, appearing in the Chicago Sun-Times, September 20, 2004:

"Well-placed sources in the administration are confident Bush's decision will be to get out. They believe that is the recommendation of his national security team and would be the recommendation of second-term officials. An informed guess might have Condoleezza Rice as secretary of state, Paul Wolfowitz as defense secretary and Stephen Hadley as national security adviser. According to my sources, all would opt for a withdrawal."

From the President's Remarks at Ask President Bush Event in Derry, New Hampshire, September 20, 2004, notably, a mere few hours after Novak's column appeared:

"It's tough as heck in Iraq right now because people are trying to stop democracy. That's what you're seeing. And Iraqis are losing lives, and so are some of our soldiers. And it breaks my heart to see the loss of innocent life and to see brave troops in combat lose their life. It just breaks my heart. But I understand what's going on. These people are trying to shake the will of the Iraqi citizens, and they want us to leave. That's what they want us to do.

And I think the world would be better off if we did leave -- if we didn't -- if we left, the world would be worse. The world is better off with us not leaving. It's a mistake to pull out."

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 35

An orator crafted from stone

Marcus Tullius Cicero, left, and John F. Kerry, on the right.

According to today's Washington Post, the respective teams for the Bush and Kerry campaigns have agreed to a package of three presidential debates in the upcoming weeks, after months of delays on the part of President Bush's re-election crew. According to the Post:

Matthew Dowd, the Bush-Cheney campaign's chief strategist, said in an interview earlier this month that Kerry "is very formidable, and probably the best debater ever to run for president." "I'm not joking," Dowd added. "I think he's better than Cicero," the ancient Roman orator.

Dowd's comparison to the classic orator of yesteryear initially comes off as quite a stretch, but upon closer examination, he may indeed have a point: both men have a certain notoriety for being, shall we say, excessively verbose. Witness Cicero's thoughts on aging, from "On Old Age":

"For the present I have resolved to dedicate to you an essay on Old Age. For from the burden of impending or at least advancing age, common to us both, I would do something to relieve us both though as to yourself I am fully aware that you support and will support it, as you do everything else, with calmness and philosophy. But directly I resolved to write on old age, you at once occurred to me as deserving a gift of which both of us might take advantage. To myself, indeed, the composition of this book has been so delightful, that it has not only wiped away all the disagreeables of old age, but has even made it luxurious and delightful too."

Good luck making sense of that and translating those words into English from the current Latin incarnation that's been reproduced above.

Now, let's see how Kerry fares, with similar subject matter, in this quest for circumlocutory language (from the text of a speech given September 6 in Racine, West Virginia):

"At that convention in New York last week, George Bush actually promised the American people that after four years of failure, he now had a plan to get health care costs under control. Well, if you weren’t suspicious of a plan announced just two months before an election, you got a quick dose of reality the next day. George Bush socked seniors with a 17 percent increase in Medicare. What’s right about that? That’s the biggest increase in Medicare premiums in the history of the program. Raising Medicare costs -- that’s W and that’s wrong. Wrong choices, wrong direction.

It’s time for a president who will lead America in a new direction.

[...]

At that convention in New York last week, George Bush said that he actually had a new idea. And you know what it was? The bad, old idea of privatizing social security -- and cutting your benefits. That’s W and that’s wrong. Wrong choices, wrong direction. It’s time for a president who will lead America in a new direction."

OK, so Kerry seems to repeat himself a bit more than his highly-esteemed counterpart, but we'll give him points for clarity. Relative clarity, and relative to words that have aged a full two-thousand years. When compared with the pithy lines and snappy soundbites of the sitting President, however, Kerry does have a way of coming off a bit, well, wooden, if not stony-faced.

RELATED: John Kerry's "A Plan For Stronger, Healthier Seniors"

Photo Ops Gone Awry, Vol. 2

The Associated Press' funniest caption ever

According to the Associated Press: "Three-year-old Sophia Parlock cries while seated on the shoulders of her father, Phil Parlock, after having their Bush-Cheney sign torn up by Kerry-Edwards supporters on Thursday, Sept. 16, 2004, at the Tri-State Airport in Huntington, W.Va. Democratic vice presidential candidate John Edwards made a brief stop at the airport as he concluded his two-day bus tour to locations in West Virginia and Ohio. (AP Photo/Randy Snyder)"

I Love These Countries!

In response to a string of terrorist acts by Chechen rebel groups, Russian President Vladmir Putin has formally announced plans to concentrate power through direct appointment of regional governors and the elimination of individual district elections for the Duma.

In response to these sudden moves, Colin Powell said "This is pulling back on some of the democratic reforms as seen by the international community that have occurred in the past. So yes, we have concerns about it, and we want to discuss them with the Russians." But the democracies of the world are having trouble urging Russia to see things their way and the Bush administration is concerned that too-severe criticisms might only act to diminish any possibilities for further alliances, especially when it comes to cooperating in the war on terror.

But all of this is good news for Ukrainian-born funnyman Yakov Smirnoff who made a career with his "What A Country!" routine in the mid-80's, appearing in guest spots on TV's Night Court. You might remeber some of Smirnoff's more memorable lines, such as:

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

or, this biting media critique:
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

and, of course Smirnoff's offbeat takes on Russian comedy:
Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

After 13 years since the Soviet Union collapsed, the comic has fallen on some hard times. However, Smirnoff is apparently working on some new material to update his act. Here are some ideas found in Smirnoff's trash can more recently:

In America, terrorists come from other side of world. In Russia, they live next door.

In America, you can lose popular vote and still be elected president. In Russia, you can be president and just get rid of popular vote.

In Russia, state controls health care for people. In America, health care controls state. I love this country!

A handy guide to Bush's supporters (as seen from front and back)

Via Reuters, "U.S. President George W. Bush speaks at a campaign rally in St. Cloud, Minnesota, September 16, 2004."

From director Victor Salva, the monstrous villain in his monstrous film, Jeepers Creepers.

The new nickel: Thomas Jefferson's greatest makeover since being portrayed by Nick Nolte in 1995

You see that wolf over there? It's from Iran. Seriously. There's a wolf. An Iranian wolf. I'm not kidding, this time.

Satellite images over Iran

Via Reuters, mere hours ago: "U.S. Says New Images Show Iran Plans Nuke Bomb"

A prominent international expert said on Wednesday that new satellite images showed the Parchin military complex southeast of Tehran may be a site for research, testing and production of nuclear weapons. Iran denies having an atomic bomb program.

Satellite images over Iraq

From U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell's egregiously dishonest presentation to the United Nations in early February 2003, on Saddam Hussein and Iraq's purported possession of WMDs and whatnot (via CNN.com):

Powell then showed satellite photos that he said indicated the presence of "active chemical munitions bunkers" disguised from inspectors.

The first photo showed was from a weapons munitions facility, which Powell said was one of 65 such facilities in Iraq. He said the photo contained "sure signs that the bunkers are storing chemical munitions," including a decontamination truck and special security.

Bill O'Reilly, still reviled...but Al Franken? Mostly just ignored by subway riders

Most media-minded people are aware of last year's imbroglio at the 2003 BookExpo in Los Angeles between vitriolic Fox News host Bill O'Reilly and his mealy-mouthed liberal arch-nemesis Al Franken. And, of course, there's a fair amount of awareness of last fall's lawsuit-and-taunting exchange between the two media figures over the distribution of author Franken's "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right."

But what of the battle occurring underground? Earlier, we examined the treatment conservative firebrand O'Reilly has received at the hands of those with the inclination and opportunity to deface Fox News posters sporting his fleshy visage in New York's subway system. Now, the gauntlet has been thrown...and another network, the Sundance Channel, is littering the city's subway walls with advertising for Al Franken's new television series.

The scorecard? It's been several weeks, and Al's face is still looking pretty pristine, in contrast to the "Nazi"-themed abuse heaped upon his Republican-leaning counterpart. Witness our representative sampling below:

But there's always an exception, right?

So, wait...what happened with this image? Admittedly, the one sampled above is in the extreme minority, but are there still RNC delegates lurking in Manhattan? And are they sporting razor blades and Sharpies alongside their patriotic hats and neckties? Or maybe they're simply carrying cages filled with crows, who are periodically released to peck out the eyes of liberal ideologues?

Election 2004: Let's get ready to rummmmble!

OK, scratch the boxing reference. Looking at the embarrassingly camel-toed Dick Cheney in action, so to speak, it seems as though some candidates are best-suited to coaching from the corner instead of "fighting the fight."

It's all relative

From the "It's not breaking news per se, but good old-fashioned press-release analysis" department at the New York Times, we've got Adam Liptak's "Fewer Death Sentences Being Imposed in U.S." in the September 15, 2004 edition of the paper. The article is largely culled from data gleaned from a report put out by the Death Penalty Information Center, a research group that "says it takes no position on capital punishment, though it has been critical of the way the death penalty is applied."

But the report's thesis - that exonerations play a major role - as well as its data on the number of people exonerated are the subject of debate. The report says that 116 innocent people have been released from death row since 1973, after serving an average of nine years each.

[...]

Prosecutors said the report overstates the number of innocent people who have been released from death row. They said 20 to 30 is more accurate. "You're talking about an extremely small, microscopic number," said Ward A. Campbell, a supervising deputy state attorney general in Sacramento.

Fair enough. No word, however, on an as-yet-unannounced bill going through the California state legislature right now calling for the indiscriminate and unjust execution of 20-30 members of this Ward Campbell fellow's extended family. Seriously, it's an extremely small, microscopic number, and he probably won't notice.

Coming Soon: The Even More Greatester Communicator—To The Extreme!

"Only seven weeks left to try to win this election? Oh, dear."

Despite his sagging poll numbers, this is not the sort of pose Sen. Kerry ought to be making at gun control rallies

From the Associated Press: "Democratic Presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass, listens to gun control advocates speak at a campaign stop in Washington Monday, Sept. 13, 2004."

Photo Ops Gone Awry, Vol. 1

"Yeahhhhh! Look at me! Look Rummy, no hands!"

We rewrite, you decide, Vol. 6

From "Bush Stresses Commander-in-Chief Role", the Washington Post, September 13, 2004:

Administration officials disclosed plans yesterday that show the many ways Bush will try to emphasize his role as commander in chief. He will interrupt his swing-state travel in just over a week to go before cameras at the United Nations with the interim president of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai. Two days later, Bush will welcome Iraq's interim prime minister, Ayad Allawi, to the Rose Garden.

[...]

The Bush-Cheney campaign's focus on safety and security pervaded the Republican National Convention, where prime-time speakers repeatedly portrayed Bush as a steady and steely commander in the war on terrorism, with little attention to domestic issues.

From "Key General Criticizes April Attack In Fallujah; Abrupt Withdrawal Called Vacillation", also in today's edition of the Washington Post, September 13, 2004:

The outgoing U.S. Marine Corps general in charge of western Iraq said Sunday he opposed a Marine assault on militants in the volatile city of Fallujah in April and the subsequent decision to withdraw from the city and turn over control to a security force of former Iraqi soldiers.

[...]

The comments by Lt. Gen. James T. Conway, made shortly after he relinquished command of the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force on Sunday, amounted to a stinging broadside against top U.S. military and civilian leaders who ordered the Fallujah invasion and withdrawal. His statements also provided the most detailed explanation -- and justification -- of Marine actions in Fallujah this spring, which have been widely criticized for increasing insurgent activity in the city and turning it into a "no-go" zone for U.S. troops.

Summary of the 9/11 Commission Implementation Bill

Responding to the majority of the 9/11 Comission's 41 recommendations for intelligence reform, legislation was introduced into the Senate by a bipartisan group.

A .pdf of this lengthy, complex 280 page bill is available here. But for the sake of our readers who are not yet up-to-date and in-the-know concerning all things intelligence, Low Culture has obtained a document from the CIA which succinctly describes the ramifications of the new bill, putting together a simple and fun reference tool to guide you through your government's new configurations.

Simple, really.

September 10th: On this day in history

1846: Elias Howe received a patent for his sewing machine.

1926: Germany joined the League of Nations.

1940: Buckingham Palace was struck by a German bomb.

1941: Celebrated evolutionary theorist and former Harvard University professor Stephen Jay Gould was born.

1955: Gunsmoke premiered on CBS.

1961: Mickey Mantle tied a major league baseball record for home runs when he hit the 400th of his career.

1990: Iran agreed to resume full diplomatic ties with its former enemy Iraq.

1993: NBC aired its final episode of Late Night with David Letterman.

2001: President George W. Bush twiddled his thumbs while leafing through a stack of unread memos and intelligence reports.

MISSED CONNECTIONS > Angry man at MSG last week - w4m - 26

(Via Joshuah Bearman)

you: curly haired, right wing zealot. me: cute, defenseless liberal...

i saw you when i whipped out my anti-Bush banners on the floor of the RNC last week and tried an impromptu bit of protesting. you restrained me, and then you started kicking me on the floor...i mean, yeah, it hurt a bit, and my ribcage is sort of fucked up now, and that's why it's taken me so long to post this missed connection, after my being in jail and then the hospital and then recuperating at my parents for a few days, but i think we shared a special moment, all circumstances aside. i keep thinking how clever it was of you to wear that green "monster" shirt while you hovered over me. i like that cleverness, and i liked your loafers. very casual, very firm.

if you're interested...wanna get some coffee some time?

this is in or around Midtown
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Zell Miller Challenges Hurricane Ivan to a Duel

Last week, in a heated interview with Chris Matthews on Hardball, Senator Zell Miller told Matthews, "I wish we lived in the day where you could challenge a person to a duel."

This week, Miller has challenged Hurricane Ivan to a duel somewhere off the coast of Jamaica to "protect the homeland" from high winds and potentially disastrous flooding.

And in a related note, Miller is expected to introduce legislation to make dueling legal. The ghost of Alexander Hamilton is expected to filibuster. But the ghost of former Republican (now the Democratic party) turned Federalist (the elitist party of the early 19th century) Aaron Burr is expected to pop a cap in Hamilton's ass. Again.

You know that scene in Fahrenheit 9/11 where the military uses the promise of a music career to lure new recruits?

From "U.S. Planes Hit Rebel Stronghold in Falluja; 6 Reported Killed", the New York Times, September 8, 2004 (emphasis mine):

"There are no negotiations," said Col. Robert B. Abrams, the commander of the First Brigade of the First Cavalry Division. "Sadr needs to disband and disarm, and then we can talk."

"If they don't disarm," Colonel Abrams said of the Mahdi Army, "we will be back at this every month, forever."

UNRELATED: Colonel Abrams, the MCA recording artist who released a small handful of top-ten singles in the mid-1980s, including "Trapped", whose chorus is reproduced below:

Can't you see I'm so confused? / I can't get out / You see I'm trapped

Like a fool I'm in a cage. / I can't get out / You see I'm trapped

The art of insidious spin (Or is it a science? We never pegged these guys as creative types)

Congratulations are in order to the United States military for finally crossing that all-important milestone the press has apparently been all-too-eagerly awaiting: 1,000 military personnel killed in Iraq! Judging by the likeminded headlines devoted to this phenomenon, it's unclear which milestone was more excitedly anticipated, the one measuring the American military death toll or San Francisco Giants' slugger Barry Bonds' attempt to reach 700 career home runs. (Good luck, Barry, natch! We hear that one PFC Larry Gutierrez from Alameda is pulling for you from his base in Najaf.)

While cynics may charge that the idea of hyping or heavily reporting our nation's having reached a four-figure death toll pertaining to the invasion of Iraq cheapens the equally tragic deaths of, say, numbers 997, 998, and 999, Americans can rest assured that the president is equally supportive of each and every death, or more significantly, what those deaths "represent" or "stand for." In this vein, President Bush, noted disciple of Clement Greenberg that he is, warmly embraces symbolism by way of his henchmen. To wit, from the New York Times:

Mr. Bush never mentioned the figure on a bus tour across Missouri. But at the very moment he was criticizing Mr. Kerry as having flip-flopped on Iraq, his press secretary, Scott McClellan, told reporters that the 1,000 men and women had died "so that we defeat the ideologies of hatred and tyranny."

For what its worth, we're guessing that the more than 11,000 Iraqi civilians who have died in this same time period as a result of the invasion also gave their lives for such grandiose, abstract notions as "statehood" and "better prisons" and "a capital-punishment-free nation".

Celebrating the Bush administration's successful domestic policies, vol. 1: Less Traffic

From "Study: Traffic costs billions of hours a year", CNN.com, September 7, 2004, which examines the general trend of increasing traffic congestion in the nation's largest urban areas, but which contains the following caveat:

Traffic in some cities has actually gotten better -- but that's because their economies have done poorly.

"In a lot of the places in the past we've seen success in cities suffering job declines -- Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Cleveland," Pisarski said. "Unemployment is a great solution."

(With thanks to Jeff.)

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 34

Truly, There's a New World Coming

From, There's A New World Coming [via: Filthy Hippy Speak]

"Generations will know if we kept our faith and kept our word. Generations will know if we seized this moment, and used it to build a future of safety and peace."
— George Bush, Convention Speech, Sept. 2, 2004

"For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night. For when they shall say, Peace and safety; then sudden destruction cometh upon them, as travail upon a woman with child; and they shall not escape."
— 1 Thessalonians 5:2,3; KJV)

[A special thanks to Javier]

RNC 2004: Ahh, the memories...(An Infiltrator's Scrapbook)

Um, yeah, I don't think this needs a caption, right?

See, the joke is that this RNC worker looks just like Santa Claus, so Robert Smigel, as Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, can crack wise about outsourcing elves to India or somesuch routine.

See, the joke is...nevermind.

Who said conservatives don't have a flair for the creative when it comes to their wardrobe? These delegates from Montana are sporting a beret and a green frilly shawl type thing. That means they're the craftsiest conservatives out there.

Christ almighty, lord Jesus. You can't see from here, but those badges and buttons sport a plethora of pro-life phrases.

Continued below...after the so-called jump.

Ah, yes...Fox News. Here, in the radio section of the media pavilion, we've got the world's ugliest, least intelligent liberal ever, Alan Colmes, and one of the network's roster of blond female newsreaders. I believe this version's name is Monica Crowley, and she's about to swallow the microphone, which is a technological synonym for "Roger Ailes' cock."

Before being treated to this Dan Bartlett-approved photo montage of Dick Cheney's greatest media moments (including an appearance with the imbecilic Jay Leno), the best part of the VP's acceptance speech was the eight-second interval between Zell Miller's speech and Lynne Cheney's arrival onstage to introduce her husband. In that short eight second period, some stage lackey raced out to slap a decal on the podium with the Seal of the Vice President of the United States. How very authoritative! A decal!

Yes, believe it or not, there were actual buffoons in the crowd. The woman above turned to glare at me when, at one point during Lynne Cheney's introduction, as she spoke about meeting Dick in high school, and how he was the captain of some sports team, and how he was a hot, desirable upperclassman, I exclaimed, "And then he took my virginity in his daddy's Cadillac." Glare, glare, glare. Seriously, honey, I'm not the one sporting the A&F knockoff pro-Bush paraphernalia.

"Union...and proud of it!" The one-and-only instance of union support extant at MSG this week. I mean, a "union"? What the fuck is that? I loved the idea of people buying the various items on sale and being subjected to this employee's button.

Goodbye, delegates! The bus's tinted windows and the carefully chosen route back to your hotels, I hope, effectively shielded you from the city's various low-wage earners and other assorted undesirables, thereby allowing you to watch softcore porn in your hotel rooms in peace and quiet.

And that's really all we want for a better America, right?

RNC 2004: Fun with signs, AKA who the fuck are Nick and Stef, and why wasn't I invited?

Because the loveliest ladies shop at Brooks Brothers

Compassionate Hypocrite

Long, May It Wave

"As long as I live, I will never forget that day 21 years ago when I raised my hand and took the oath of citizenship.

"Do you know how proud I was? I was so proud that I walked around with an American flag around my shoulders all day long." —Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's GOP Convention speech, Aug. 31, 2004

4 USCS § 8 (2004)
§ 8. Respect for flag

No disrespect should be shown to the flag of the United States of
America....

(d) The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or
drapery.—Title 4 - Flag and Seal, Seat of Government, and the States, Chapter 1, Sec. 8- Respect for Flag

[Thank you, thank you, Dave!]

RNC 2004: From the folks that brought you "Escape to New York"

"George W. Bush sees world terrorism for the evil that it is, and he will remain consistent to the purpose of defeating it while working to make us ever safer at home." Former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani at the RNC Convention, Monday, August 30, 2004.

Wow, the city's former mayor is so right:

"States like these, and their terrorist allies, constitute an axis of evil, arming to threaten the peace of the world." (January 29, 2002, The President's State of the Union Address)

"This is an evil man that we're dealing with, and I wouldn't put it past him to develop evil weapons to try to harm civilization as we know it." (November 6, 2001, Bush warns of potential 'evil weapons')

"Your government is alert. The governors and mayors are alert that evil folks still lurk out there. As I said yesterday, people have declared war on America and they have made a terrible mistake. My administration has a job to do and we're going to do it. We will rid the world of the evil-doers." (September 16, 2001, Bush vows to rid the world of 'evil-doers')

"The English translation is not as eloquent as the original Arabic, but let me quote from the Koran, itself: In the long run, evil in the extreme will be the end of those who do evil. For that they rejected the signs of Allah and held them up to ridicule. The face of terror is not the true faith of Islam. That's not what Islam is all about. Islam is peace. These terrorists don't represent peace. They represent evil and war." (September 17, 2001, Remarks by the President at Islamic Center of Washington, D.C.)

RNC 2004: NYC's first responders attend their dress rehearsal and take the opportunity to study the other stage props

Stagey

Now, isn't that special?

Not since Bono glided through concert arenas in a giant lemon for U2's POPmart tour has stagecraft been so far in the forefront as it is for next week's Republican National Convention.

Today's Times reveals some of the excellent bells and whistles we'll be witnessing when President Bush delivers his speech before literally many, many delegates in New York. (For the President, Special Setup Is Planned at Convention, by Michael Slackman.)

A very special president deserves an extra-special stage. (It goes without saying that if Mr. Bush had participated in this year's Olympics in Athens, it would've been a Special Olympics, indeed.) As the article points out, to create a sense of "special intimacy" (there's that word again!), a centrally-located in-the-round stage will be erected.

What other special theatrics are in store for the convention?

President Bush will descend on a harness from the rafters wearing 25-foot angel wings.

Vice President Dick Cheney will enter dressed as a gladiator and slay an animatronic tiger affectionately nicknamed "Edwards."

The 1.5 million gallon water tank from Cirque du Soleil's O will be assembled in Madison Square Garden so that Condoleezza Rice may lead synchronized swimmers in a routine set to Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries."

Four cannons loaded with indoor fireworks that spell out "LOWER TAXES" will be fired at the ceiling

Those hilarious stunt-dunking guys in gorilla suits will go buck wild!

The living Beatles—all two of them—will reunite to sing "Fixing A Hole" with new lyrics about Iraq

A CGI-assisted video will show John Ashcroft at the signing of the Declaration of Independence

Donald Rumsfeld will smile for five seconds

Delegates arriving by swift boats and yachts and walking a pink carpet lined with photographers and writers from The Weekly Standard, The Washington Times, and The National Review asking "Who are you wearing?" and "Do you think Britney is rushing into marriage?"

Live, via satellite, Jesus will bless the delegates

Twenty uniformed members of the armed services will form a pyramid, and a trained elephant will lift a veteran of the Iraq war out of his wheelchair and place him on the top so he can wave an American flag with his remaining arm

A (taped) speech by Ronald Reagan about how much he loves America and apple sauce and swimming and how his male nurse is stealing from him and someone is coming into his room and using his phone and can he have some more apple sauce please, mommy?

Paris Hilton and Haylie Duff will speak together, putting an end to any rumors that they're in a feud

Alan Keyes will deliver a speech ten times better than what's his name's and then sing Outkast's "Hey Ya" with new lyrics about compassionate conservatism.

Karl Rove will sit behind an enormous green curtain doing... things. Don't worry about what he's doing. Really—it's fine.

Donald Trump, closing the convention by pointing at John Kerry and saying "Ya fired!"

And, if that's not all, it's free bat day! Well, for the cops outside it is.

Doin' the Lynndie Hop

An officer at the Department of Defense "delivers final reports of the Independent Panel to Review Department of Defense Detention Operations...A four-member panel headed by [former Defense Secretary James] Schlesinger issued a report accusing the chain of command from Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on down of leadership failures that created conditions for the abuse of prisioners late last year that sparked anti-American outrage across the world."

The image that initially started the abovementioned investigation.

And just like that – SNAP! – this election is so totally over

From Remarks by the Vice President and Mrs. Cheney Followed by Question and Answer at a Town Hall Meeting, Davenport, Iowa, August 24, 2004:

QUESTION: We have a battle here on this land, as well. And I would like to know, sir, from your heart -- I don't want to know what your advisors say, or even what your top advisor thinks -- but I need to know what do you think about homosexual marriages.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well, the question has come up obviously in the past with respect to the question of gay marriage. Lynne and I have a gay daughter, so it's an issue that our family is very familiar with. We have two daughters, and we have enormous pride in both of them. They're both fine young women. They do a superb job, frankly, of supporting us. And we are blessed with both our daughters.

With respect to the question of relationships, my general view is that freedom means freedom for everyone. People ought to be able to free -- ought to be free to enter into any kind of relationship they want to. The question that comes up with respect to the issue of marriage is what kind of official sanction, or approval is going to be granted by government, if you will, to particular relationships. Historically, that's been a relationship that has been handled by the states. The states have made that basic fundamental decision in terms of defining what constitutes a marriage. I made clear four years ago when I ran and this question came up in the debate I had with Joe Lieberman that my view was that that's appropriately a matter for the states to decide, that that's how it ought to best be handled.

Yes, that's the title they give to the runner-up in the race for "Mr. White House"

Stealth Bombing the Stage: 2004's Hottest New RNC Design Motif

With captions taken from original sources:

Stagehands work on the main stage for the Republican National Convention in New York City's Madison Square Gardens, Tuesday, August 24, 2004. The Republicans will meet August 30 through September 2. (AP Photo/Adam Hunger)

The B-2 can respond from domestic US bases to conflicts anywhere in the world within hours.

Election 2004: Your Handy Guide to the Issues that Matter Most at this Precise Moment in Time

An aerial view of Najaf, which for some reason appears to be shaped like the Millenium Falcon.

FUN FACT #1: According to Reuters, mere hours ago, the American-led team of Iraqi security forces "moved to within 400 meters (yards) of a holy shrine in Najaf on Tuesday, just hours after the government warned Shi'ite rebels inside they would be killed if they did not surrender...An aide to radical cleric Moqtada al-Sadr said his Mehdi Army militia was ready to negotiate to end the fighting, which has killed hundreds, driven oil prices to record highs and touched off clashes in seven other cities."

FUN FACT #2: "Najaf" means "dry river." Of course, there's no way to maneuver "swift boats" in a so-called "dry river". What, then, do swift boats have to do with the important developments taking place in Najaf right this very moment? Oh, wait, wait, wait..."swift boats" have nothing whatsoever to do with Iraq, the U.S. economy, healthcare, the American class system, or other issues pertaining to a race for the presidency of the United States. Hell, swift boats don't even have anything to do with gay marriage or constitutional amendments.

It all finally makes sense! God bless you, American media! God bless us, everyone! This is Tiny Tim, signing off from Darfur.

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 33

(Thanks to Michael.)

RNC Protests 2004: Two noble ideas that effectively cancel each other out

Blue New York: (from their website) "All New Yorkers should put blue in their windows. Simple as it may be, the image of an entire city blanketed in blue, building to building, window to window, will be the most powerful and poignant protest imaginable. Rather than flooding the streets with placards and bumper stickers, an image of New York draped in one single color will demonstrate to the world a clear message: we, as one city, want a change for our country."

Light Up the Sky: (by way of The Nation) "Milton Glaser, a longtime friend of The Nation and the designer behind the "I Heart NY" campaign, is back with a new idea: He proposes that New Yorkers welcome the GOP in August with a display of light." (More information, by way of the Village Voice:) "Glaser has organized a protest—one that requires no permit and can receive no complaints of crushing grass—called 'Light Up the Sky.' On August 30, from dusk to dawn, those who wish to participate can leave the lights on in their apartments and/or congregate in the streets with candles, flashlights, and glow sticks."

RNC Protests 2004: The official outlet for NYC children who dislike Bush, globalization, and sticky candy

From "Just Keep It Peaceful, Protesters; New York Is Offering Discounts", the New York Times, August 18, 2004:

Law-abiding protesters will be given buttons that bear a fetching rendition of the Statue of Liberty holding a sign that reads, "peaceful political activists." Protesters can present the buttons at places like the Whitney Museum, the Museum of Sex, the Pokémon Center store and such restaurants as Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too and Applebee's to save some cash during their stay.

A "fetching rendition of the Statue of Liberty"? Try "patronizing" and "childlike" instead.

The underexploited art of positive self-affirmation

Though, admittedly, it is easier to hug yourself when you pull in 58 percent of the vote after facing a presidential recall initiative.

This guy's got the edgiest onstage routine since Paula Poundstone joked about endangering her adopted children

In today's Washington Post, Dana Milbank reflects on the re-emergence of that old staple of Campaign 2000, the "Bushism". And included in his anecdotal sampling (not to be confused with Jacob Weisberg's voluminous take on this phenomenon over at Slate) was the following rather strikingly non-humorous bit of insensitivity from a campaign event in Florida last week.

From Remarks by the President at "Ask President Bush" Event, Okaloosa-Walton College, Niceville, Florida, August 10, 2004:

But we've got some strong allies, staring with the Prime Minister of Iraq, Prime Minister Allawi. They tell me the story of him. He was in London, England. He was in exile from his country because Saddam hated him. He wakes up one night and an ax-wielding group of men tried to hatchet him to death, or ax him to death. I guess, you don't hatchet somebody with an ax. (Laughter.) And you don't ax them with a hatchet. (Laughter.) He wakes up, the glint of the blade coming at him, and he gets cut badly, escapes. The guy hit his wife who never recovered, really.

Reading the transcript, it's unclear whether he kept the crowd of rancorous Republicans "laughing" with some horribly asinine quip about an "axe wound that never healed." But one can imagine. And we do.

When William was young, he had to stand in the sun for hours and walk three miles to school to do what you kids do today. Oh, he still does.

From Chavez Appears to Survive Referendum, the Washington Post, August 16, 2004:

The opposition also had to outpoll the millions of Chavez supporters who flocked to the polls Sunday, eager to retain a president who has used the country's soaring oil revenue to provide health, education and food programs for the nation's poor majority.

William Sutherland, 40, a university student, was among those who rose before dawn and stood in line for hours under a punishing sun to back Chavez.

From Ignorance Is No Longer Bliss, Smartmoney.com, August 11, 2004:

Young voters have stayed away in droves in the past, despite high-profile attempts by the likes of Rock the Vote, founded in 1990, and others to drum up electoral interest. In 2000, just 36.1% of eligible voters ages 18 to 24 even bothered to cast ballots.

Bill O'Reilly, the most-reviled media figure on the New York Subway System

A Fox News ad at Rockefeller Center, located roughly one block from the network's studio and headquarters. Hume, Hannity, Van Susteren, and the other guys? Their visages were left unmarked. Maybe these acts of defacement just mean that O'Reilly is a bad boss?

No, scratch that. Witness poor Bill, seen here in detail from a number of ads from stations all over Manhattan. And yes, in case you're wondering, those rectangular shapes used to be swastikas on the guy's forehead.

Meta-Viral Farkesque Video Link of the Day for People in Their Twenties Who Read The New Republic

A mock/mook President Bush surrounded by his mock/mook cabinet, after being excused from class at their East 86th Street prep school

Brought to you by RNC Not Welcome and Counter Convention.

Breaking: Jim McGreevey, Ruck Star

New Jersey Governor James McGreevey plays rugby.

Reading (deeply) between the lines

In CNN.com's reporting that "Cheney blasts Kerry over 'sensitive war' remark", the story opens with the following lead (emphasis ours):

Drawing derisive chuckles from the crowd, Vice President Dick Cheney Thursday blasted Sen. John Kerry for a remark the Democratic presidential candidate made last week about fighting a "more sensitive war on terror" if elected.

The White House's official transcript of the event, however, hardly makes mention of the 'derision' expressed in the audience's laughter, which is instead more succinctly conveyed as follows:

Senator Kerry has also said that if he were in charge he would fight a "more sensitive" war on terror. (Laughter.)

"Laughter"? What the fuck is that? Boring — and not derisive enough — is what it is. And if there's one thing that drives this devoted newsreader crazy, it's the posting of an incomplete and inaccurate transcript on the White House's website. With that in mind, we've taken it upon ourselves to provide you with the complete and unedited script of events as they ensued at the Dayton Convention Center during the Vice President's controversial speech.

[Heavily, heavily revised take on] VP's Remarks in Dayton, Ohio, Dayton Convention Center, August 12, 2004:

Senator Kerry has also said that if he were in charge he would fight a "more sensitive" war on terror. (The gathering of large white men starts snickering, a delicate trickle at first, until three men in the back of the room begin to guffaw, which in turn leads to the audience's eruption into a hooting, snorting catcall of scornful, disapproving laughter directed at that fucking pansy Senator Kerry. Can he be any more of a faggot?) America has been in too many wars for any of our wishes, but not a one of them was won by being sensitive. (A man in a navy-blue business suit yells out, "You're damn right!" and nearby members of the audience stand up to give him high-fives.) President Lincoln and General Grant did not wage sensitive warfare — nor did President Roosevelt, nor Generals Eisenhower and MacArthur. ("Those were real presidents...they kicked the terrorists asses!" barks out an overweight and undereducated woman. The entire audience laughs merrily, because they know that George Bush is a real man, and a real president, and wouldn't be caught having gay sex like that swishy Senator from Massachusetts.) A "sensitive war" will not destroy the evil men who killed 3,000 Americans and who seek the chemical, nuclear and biological weapons to kill hundreds of thousands more. The men who beheaded Daniel Pearl and Paul Johnson will not be impressed by our sensitivity. ("I'm heading down to Bath & Body Works to torch that fucking place! Who's with me?" queries a furious, bespectacled man.) As our opponents see it, the problem isn't the thugs and murderers that we face, but our attitude. Well, the American people know better. ("You tell those Democrats, Mr. Vice President, sir! I may not know how to read, but the USA is number one in my book!" intones a middle-aged man waving a copy of the Wall Street Journal in the air.) They know that we are in a fight to preserve our freedom and our way of life, and that we are on the side of rights and justice in this battle. Those who threaten us and kill innocents around the world do not need to be treated more sensitively. ("Let's go beat our bitch wives!" cries out a cadre of supporters in the middle of the crowd, and the audience collectively hollers back approvingly. Someone else adds, "And our mistresses too!") They need to be destroyed. (Applause, followed by a bearded man yelling out, "I'm going to go attack some black homosexuals!")

And 'N' stands for no comment required

This picture is totally making all the rounds, and like Teenage Fanclub, we're bandwagonesque

George Bush on the playing field: reminds us of another jock. And, rugby...isn't that sort of gay?

Not that's there's anything wrong with it! It's not as if the President were, say, a cheerleader, too. Oh, our bad.

"Push 'em back! Push 'em back!
Push the poor waaaaaaaay back!"

(Thanks to Michelle.)

Fat Cats in the Hat

Finally, the big-ticket endorsements for President Bush are coming in. Or, is this Bush's endorsement of another successful nepotism baby? Well, either way, hats off to you!

He did always say his favorite book was Hop on Pop...

Things to do in D.C. when your boss and colleagues are away

According to MSNBC News, Colin Powell will not be attending the Republican National Convention at the end of August.

What will he be doing instead?

-Washing his hair.
-Organizing Top Secret Files either in chronological order or from "best to worst" depending on his mood.
-Spending a little 'me time.'
-Four words: "Calgon, take me away!"
-Scowling.
-Crying, interrupted by scowling, then more crying.
-Calling friends in 'old Europe' and apologizing.
-Working on his Monster.com resume.
-Baking pies, mostly apple, but some cherry.
-Practicing guitar: He's almost got the first half of "Wooly-Booly" down.
-Scowling. Did we mention scowling?

Civil Rights Now...It's Playtime!

The new and improved Woolworth's sit-in lunch counter

In today's New York Times, writer Shaila K. Dewan examines a newfound impetus among white southerners to begrudgingly reflect on their communities' roles in the civil rights movement which occurred many decades earlier. Is this due to a changing of the guard? An effort by younger generations to atone for the sins of their parents? Nah, come on, you're entertaining some pretty feeble guesses there...the correct incentive is, of course, greed.

It has not been easy for communities to embrace a past laced with shame and violence. "Tourism has been forced on these places," said Jim Carrier, a writer from Montgomery, Ala., whose "Traveler's Guide to the Civil Rights Movement" was published by Harcourt in January. "It's not like they put out a sign one day and said, 'Come on down and see our civil rights history.' It's in response to people coming down here, lugging big history books, looking for these places."

The lure of tourism money has helped overcome the shame.

As a result, a handful of various groups in these areas have been putting forth initiatives for museums, monuments, and such that pay tribute to the era's struggles and, oftentimes, to specific landmarks that played a prominent role in the movement, such as the bus stop where Rosa Parks famously held her ground.

Museum gift shops bring in a good business, of course, so we're not knocking their ambitions in that regard, but think of the piles upon piles of cash that could be brought in by a goddamned Six Flags Civil Rights Memorial Park!

Included in this hypothetical RFP for a Six Flags-themed entertainment and water park spectacular:

Special "sit-in"-themed lunch counters, where you can dine on the finest in period-correct malts, shakes, and fries, so long as you drink from the properly-labeled "Colored Only" fountains

I Have a Dreamland, modeled after Disney's giant EPCOT globe, wherein visitors are taken on a guided tour of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King's notable exploits, culminating in a thrilling assassination outside a mock hotel

Ride the 'Back of the Bus'-coaster, the wild up and down ride to freedom! And remember, they say with roller coasters, the biggest thrills are always in the back!

Experience the exploits of actual walking and talking Animatronic White Racists...for the first time ever, you, too, can feel what it's like to be called a n*gger, or to have this term impolitely muttered under robotic breaths as you enter or leave the room

Oh, and don't forget the water park:

Enjoy our climate controlled wave pool for the Brown vs. the Surf Board Experience!

And don't forget to leave before getting your very own Fire Hose Blast! What a thrill!

Keyes Players

So, it's now official. After the embarrassing downfall of Jack Ryan a few months back, the Republican Party in the state of Illinois has finally found someone to step up the plate and face the seemingly-impossible task of running to defeat the Democratic Party's up-and-coming superstar Barack Obama (have you heard of this guy? He's handsome! And elegant! And, oh my god, black!) in the race for the state's open U.S. Senate seat. And who's his new opponent? Former Republican presidential candidate Alan Keyes, who technically hails from Maryland, but, you know, these things are all relative as far as state representation at the federal level is concerned.

On NBC's "Meet the Press" yesterday, Illinois' very own conservative firebrand and current Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert, clarified some of the lesser-known aspects of the just-concluded grueling selection process.

"I spent five weeks trying to find good people," said Mr. Hastert, who said he approached state legislators and the former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka and Gary Fencik, an Ivy Leaguer who was a hard-hitting safety.

"I got down into last week interviewing a 70-year-old guy who was a great farm broadcaster in Illinois," Mr. Hastert said. "He decided because of his health problems he couldn't do it. You know, we were down — we needed to find somebody to run, somebody who wanted to run. And, you know, Alan Keyes wants to run, and I hope he's a good candidate."

Mike Ditka, a "hard-hitting safety", and an elderly broadcaster...what a way to winnow, I mean, win!

While we're still waiting for Tim Russert to release the full, unedited transcript of yesterday's NBC taping, an on-set source was nonetheless able to provide us with some additional details regarding Rep. Hastert's list of potential candidate recruits, each of whom sadly passed on the opportunity:

Shannen Doherty, who withdrew after an embarrassing sex scandal of her own, involving her former husband being fellated by Paris Hilton on videotape. Paris Hilton has very nice breasts.

Abigail Fleck, child prodigy/inventor of the "Makin' Bacon" healthy bacon preparation device. Regrettably, she is still a teenager and therefore ineligible for the seat.

Richard Jewell, exonerated Olympic Pavillion security guard, passed on it, opting instead to do the voice of Chauncy, the talking cat, on the new season of The Family Guy.

Eric "Butterbean" Esch, the boxer and American patriot. Esch decided to return to his prior vocation as an adjunct professor of prose composition at Harvard.

Hiroyuki Nishigaki, creator of the stress-relief via anus-constricting regimen, was ruled to be ineligible because of his repeated references to "malarkey."

Farnsworth Bentley, P.Diddy's former manservant accepted the role but changed his mind when he was forced to sign his real name on the application: Ira Silverman.

Dave Eggers, noted autobiographer and meta-novelist, who withdrew from consideration after being told that his high school classmate Vince Vaughn could not be appointed by a hypothetical Sen. Eggers to a position in his office, due to Mr. Vaughn's noted tendency to smooth talk the pants off thirty-something-aged female lobbyists, which would of course compromise the ethical integrity of an Eggers administration, which would be An Act of Extreme and Utter Contempt for the Hallowed Halls of Congress, and These Are Things Which We Do Not Do, for They Are Not Honorable, and I Have Been Orphaned

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 32

President Bush's most flattering, least-confrontational pose ever

I'm Academy Award-winning actor George C. Scott, and I'm reporting for duty

Presidential candidate John Kerry, who renounced his Vietnam war medals in the early 1970s.

General George S. Patton Jr., as played by actor George C. Scott, who renounced his metal Oscar in the early 1970s.

Gloria Emerson, 1929-2004

Gloria Emerson

Speaking of the fall of Saigon...

If female journalists were as lionized as their male counterparts, Gloria Emerson would've already gotten the full All The President's Men treatment by now. I see a young Ali MacGraw or Diane Keaton circa Looking For Mr. Goodbar, or, if it were made today, Parker Posey as the compassionate, fearless Vietnam war reporter for The New York Times who died this week.

Of course, we'll probably never see such a movie, since female journalists only get the biopic treatment if they're martyred or the "based on a true story" treatment if they're beautiful and tragic. Meanwhile, this asshole has a film about him, and this schmuck is about to, despite the fact that neither of them has half the talent, bravery, or impact as Emerson had.

Unlike those pishers, Emerson actually reported her stories, even going so far as to risk her life in war-zones like Vietnam and Gaza. But while Emerson's male colleagues seem to have had a jones for the danger, the rugged manhood and camaraderie in the theater of war, Emerson brought uncommon compassion to her reporting. As Craig R. Whitney's Times obit pointed out:

War as she wrote about it was not ennobling but debasing, a misery that inflicted physical suffering and psychic damage on civilians, children and soldiers on both sides.

Emerson wasn't merely the war's reporter, she was its conscience. She probably wouldn't say that about herself, but she almost did when she said:

Vietnam is just a confirmation of everything we feared might happen in life. And it has happened. You know, a lot of people in Vietnam—and I might be one of them—could be mourners as a profession. Morticians and mourners.

She was such an important figure of that era, Richard Avedon gave her the full icon treatment with one of his myth-making portraits, which caught her mid-word, mid-thought, and mid-smoke, looking very much the model of forthright intelligence and intense focus.

As it turns out, there sort of is a movie about Gloria Emerson, or, at the very least, a movie that features her in her prime. In the 1988 documentary Imagine: John Lennon, Emerson pops up in a hilariously confrontational interview with the ex-Beatle who was then embarking on his anti-war "give peace a chance"/bed-in phase. Emerson chastises Lennon for his attention-grabbing antics and his Rolls Royce, repeatedly calling him "my dear boy," and cutting him off again and again. Lennon, knowing he's up against his rhetorical better, can only roll his chewing gum in his hand, make jokes about "the moptops" and act like a petulant child.

The only other person who got up in John and Yoko's shit more in that film was cartoonist Al Capp, but he came off like a crotchety oldster, Bob Dylan's out-of-touch Mr. Jones, whereas Emerson came off like someone who told it like she saw it, and knew exactly whereof she spoke. She stole the scene in John Lennon's very own film. I guess she got her movie after all.

Gloria Emerson was 75.

Don't Abandon the Mission

Curious Kerry photo op in Grandview, Iowa, via Reuters and AFP

Oh, no! Kerry's having a Fall of Saigon flashback!

Dick Cheney, I See You!

Boo!

Related (?): Is Cheney standing in a grassy knoll?

Karl Rove for the Day, Vol. 7

Bush and Carl Anderson: We do chicken right (wing).

With restrictions on campaign 'soft-money' contributions, Bush and Cheney turn to crispy money—extra crispy if you prefer.

Can a cabinet post for this guy be far behind? No? What about this guy?

If anything, this headline clarifies why Bill Keller left me chained to a bedpost in Chelsea last week

Appearing in the August 4, 2004 edition of the New York Times, as part of their sly, witty, and oh-so-blunt coverage of the trial of the soldiers responsible for the abuse of Iraqis held at Abu Ghraib prison last year:

"Woman With Leash Appears in Court on Abu Ghraib Abuse Charges"

Couldn't they have phrased this in some other fashion? Really, you know, just bump around a few clauses....it's that simple.

Teresa Heinz Kerry Watch (Unscripted AM Talk Radio Session)

...Aaaaand we're back. Boy, folks, we've got another Heinz attack. Senator Kerry...assuming you're capable of it, and I understand if you're not, since she controls the purse strings in your family...get that woman of yours to stop shooting her reckless mouth off! It's this sort of disrespect that she's been purveying lately that really cheapens this race for the White House and, I'm telling you, will cause you to lose the election this fall. Regular listeners of this show will recall that it was just last week that the billionaire ketchup heiress told a prominent and respected reporter to "shove it," totally unwarranted, I might add, and, it turns out, the woman-who-might-be-first-lady has done it again, folks.

Yesterday, at a campaign stop for her husband, Teresa lashed out at several people who had gathered to support our president. You know, a counter-measure of sorts, to combat all the attacks on Bush. These supporters were at this Kerry event, out demonstrating their right to free speech — it's called the first amendment, folks — and gently shouted some cheers of "Four more years! Four more years!" And Mrs. Heinz turned to the crowd, a bunch of Democrats, and said, "They want four more years of hell." And these Democrats in the crowd totally ate it up.

They're all Bush haters, but we knew that. Sen. Kerry added to the fray when he laughingly expressed support for his wife's anti-Christian insults, and called these protesters a bunch of "goons." Unbelievable, folks. Unbelievable. Do they not have God down there in Africa, where this woman's from?

Also, need I remind you, folks, I hate homosexuals.

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 31

A brief reminder that yesterday's terror warnings were not politically motivated

Each of the following four photographs was taken on Monday, August 2nd, 2004, after the Department of Homeland Security issued an urgent alert late this weekend that certain financial institutions may have been targeted by al Qaeda.

On an unrelated note (and when we say that, it of course always means we're being predictably sarcastic), it turns out the documents which served as the source of these cautionary alerts date back four years or so.

From "Intel that sparked alert dates to 2000", Seattle Post-Intelligencer, August 3rd, 2004:

At a news conference Monday, [Fran Townsend, the White House homeland security adviser] denied that political considerations affected the timing of the intelligence disclosures, which came the week after Democrats nominated John Kerry as their presidential candidate. "It had nothing to do with the Democratic National Convention," she said.

Noteworthy salutes by today's top newsmakers

Presidential candidate John Kerry firing up the crowd at last night's Democratic convention

Presidential candidate (and occasional President) George W. Bush at Andrews Air Force base this morning. Military custom apparently requires that the commander-in-chief salutes with his right hand, while holding his dog Barney with his left hand.

Wow, you really did explain this just the other day

It may be the week of John Kerry's ascendacy to the Democratic nomination for the President—a period of time during the presidential campaign where the opposition candidate traditionally lays low—but that doesn't mean the incumbent executive branch's Number 2 isn't hitting the road and campaigning for local candidates. For the past few days, Vice President Dick Cheney (whom we've poked fun at before for his inability to stray from the rote lines of his standard stump speech) has brought his unique form of existential musings out west. Here, the veep ponders the idea of an alternate universe, five discrete times in twenty-four hours:

Remarks Followed by Q&A by the Vice President at a Reception for Congressional Candidates Goli Ameri and Jim Zupancic, Portland, Oregon, July 26, 2004:

But I explained to a group the other day that if it hadn't been for that victory by Dwight Eisenhower in 1952, Lynne would have married somebody else. (Laughter.) And she said, right, and how he'd be Vice President of the United States. (Laughter and applause.)

The Vice President Delivers Remarks at Luncheon for Congressional Candidate Roy Ashburn, Bakersfield, California, July 26, 2004:

And I explained to a group the other day that if it hadn't been for Dwight Eisenhower's victory in 1952, Lynne would have married somebody else. She said, right, and now he'd be Vice President of the United States. (Laughter and applause.)

Remarks Followed by Q&A by the Vice President at a Luncheon for Gubernatorial Candidate Dino Rossi, Kennewick, Washington, July 26, 2004:

But I explained to a group the other night, if it hadn't been for that tremendous election victory by Dwight Eisenhower in 1952, Lynne would have married somebody else. And she said, right, and how he'd be Vice President of the United States. (Laughter and applause.)

The Vice President Delivers Remarks at a Reception for Senatorial Candidate Bill Jones, Riverside, California, July 27, 2004:

I explained to a group the other night if hadn't been for Eisenhower's great victory in 1952, Lynne would have married somebody else. (Laughter.) And she said, right, and now he'd be Vice President of the United States. (Laughter.)

Remarks by the Vice President at a Luncheon for Congressional Candidate John Swallow, Salt Lake City, Utah, July 27, 2004:

I explained to a group the other day that if hadn't been for Dwight Eisenhower's election victory, Lynne would have married somebody else. She said, right, and now he'd be Vice President of the United States. (Laughter and applause.)

EARLIER: Dick Cheney (repeating a different aspect of his stump speech), George W. Bush, and John Kerry

Highlights and noteworthy policy points from John Edwards' acceptance speech at the Democratic Convention last night

We're Just Like Us

As part of our continuing coverage of this year's exciting race for the White House, we asked noted "celebrity body language expert" Patti Wood to provide her unique brand of insight on the "hidden" feelings of politicians as indicated by their physical gestures and maneuvers, but she declined, claiming to be too busy working on an in-depth body language piece for Us Weekly on the recent split between Spiderman 2's Kirsten Dunst and yesterday's it-boy Jake Gyllenhaal.

Ms. Wood's less-successful sister, Cathy, agreed to step in and help us analyze and assess the inner workings of this year's political love lives and goings-on, explaining that she had learned a lot about this process from her older sister. (She did, however, express some dismay about not being able to studiously examine photos of "that total hottie, Jake. I want to touch him.")

Continued after the jump.

"With his hand in the air like that, the President shows he's a decisive leader," says Wood. "Laura's hand, however, seems to be lingering near her husband's nether regions. Is she looking for something that's just not there?"

"The President's daughter Jenna, though she's gazing off in the horizon, shows she loves her father immensely. She's almost reaching for his hand, as though to say, 'Daddy, I love you, and I'll always be here for you,'" says Wood. "Barbara, though, is walking at a distance, glaring at them somewhat resentfully. She hates her father, and loathes her sister even more. 'You're perfect for each other, assholes,' she seems to be thinking."

Sen. John Kerry and his wife Teresa take the field at Boston's Fenway Park to throw the first pitch at a Red Sox game. According to Wood, "She doesn't want to be dragged out into the limelight like this. She's a private woman, and wishes she could just stay in the dugout and talk with the Red Sox manager. Additionally, there's a small boy in the third row who, judging from his posture, seems to hate Sen. Kerry."

"Teresa can't even bear to stand next to her husband," notes Wood. "In fact, she seeks an additional buffer in the form of Sen. Edwards' wife, Elizabeth. 'I hate men, and my husband even more,' she seems to be saying as she ponders leaping from the staircase to the ground below."

"Teresa's pulling her hair away from her face nervously, betraying her innermost terrors and regrets. 'What have I gotten myself into? What happened to that Senator from Pennsylvania with whom I fell in love so long ago? Why did he have to die?'"

Senators Kerry and Edwards together at an event with Sen. Edwards' wife, Elizabeth. Notes Wood, "It looks like Teresa finally wised up and ditched this joint. Her husband's using his hands to illustrate a responsible system of deficit reduction, while Sen. Edwards lasciviously tries to sneak a quickie with Elizabeth. She's whispering into his ear, telling him how much she loves him as she moves her hand lower towards his pelvis. I would guess that's some sort of sexual foreplay for these two."

Sen. Edwards walks with his wife, son, and two daughters. Wood puts forth, "When you make out like that, you end up making babies. And when one of your kids is significantly older, like the daughter to the far right, it's the perfect babysitting setup, which leads to more romantic nights out, which leads to more baby-making. Babiesbabiesbabies!"

Here, the Vice President and his wife, Lynne, joyously clutch their young grandchild, the newborn daughter of their one heterosexual daughter, Elizabeth Cheney. "With the introduction of a new member of the family like this, Lynne is rejoicing, as the pitter-patter of little feet running throughout the house during the holiday period will certainly help fill the void of their loveless, sexless marriage."

"This poor woman. 'You ruthless bastard, why can't you fuck me anymore?'"

Skeet, Skeet, Vote

When you're MTV, and you're inexplicably working with the GOP to galvanize the youth vote, and you're all, "Let's get some kids voting and shit," and they're all, "Bitches, let's get a program going, and we'll get busy on our website, the front page and shit," and you say, "Fuck yeah, we've got this shit right here, check out this fine-ass agendum," then you give 'em an essay contest for young people on "how President Bush's call to service resonates in their lives":

Choose or Lose 2004: "Stand Up and Holla!"

Not having taken part in this inspirational program, we can only take a gander at additional elements and events from the MTV/RNC "Choose or Lose" Program Guide:

"GOP 2004: Get All Up in this Peace"

"Gippa, Please"

"Off the Hizzy, GOPizzy"

"Rock the Hizzouse of Representatives"

"Kerry's Bunk in the Crunk"

"Bust a Cap(ital Punishment)"

"Like Junk in the Trunk? Ni**as get Sunk"

"Niger, Please: I Wanna Sex You Up"

"Please, Hamid, Don't Hurt 'Em"

"Bush 41 got Sonned"

"The Roof, The Roof is on Fire! And the Fire Department's Underfunded!"

"Don't Believe tha Hype... Actually, Believe It. Please."

"Compassionizzle Conservatizzle"

"If I Ruled The World, Actually, I do, so go Fuck Yourself"

"We Skeet on Welfare Bitches, too"

"No Homo"

"Stand Up and Hola! (We welcome Latinos, though)"

And, finally,

"Vote or Die"

They must have used all the letter W's for signs about some other fellow

Offered up at yesterday's Rock the Vote event in Boston: Jerry Springer, Biz Markie, Natalie Portman, Lauryn Hill, Al Sharpton, Howard Dean, and creative usages of an upside-down letter M.

If he loses, there's always 2016

Via Reuters: Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry speaks to Gracie Sabo during a front porch visit in Columbus, Ohio, July 25, 2004.

“Why, hello, there, Gracie! Your mommy was very thoughtful for allowing us to host this event here in your front yard, despite the current President's policies on home ownership and property taxes. In fact, if you add up the true costs of this President’s economic policies, you get a Bush Tax of higher property taxes, higher fees, higher health care costs – at the same time middle class incomes are going down. In 32 states, state and local property taxes have gone up. This Bush Tax – Boochy-koochy-koo! – can take $3500 or more from the pockets of America’s middle class.

"Awwww, don't cry, little Gracie. Oh, no, no, no. Be a big girl. Think of your mommy: She can’t afford four more years of Bush. You know what, though? If this President wants to make this election about taxes after he’s cut billions for billionaires and squeezed middle class families, we’re ready for that fight. Coochy-coochy-coochy-coo."

We rewrite, you decide, Vol. 5

From the Remarks by the President at the 2004 President's Dinner at the Washington Convention Center, July 21, 2004:

It's now been three and a half years since the Vice President and I took office. We've faced significant challenges. We have met them head-on. I believe it's the President's job to confront problems, not to pass them on to future Presidents and future generations. (Applause.)

From the President's State of the Union Address, January 20, 2004:

In two weeks, I will send you a budget that funds the war, protects the homeland, and meets important domestic needs, while limiting the growth in discretionary spending to less than 4 percent. (Applause.) This will require that Congress focus on priorities, cut wasteful spending, and be wise with the people's money. By doing so, we can cut the deficit in half over the next five years. (Applause.)

According to the Congressional Budget Office, by way of Calpundit, this still means a deficit of anywhere from $240 to $500 billion in 2009.

2009? That means that this deficit is a "problem" that President Bush (regardless of the outcome of this year's election) will certainly not be around to confront.

Applause, please.

She's got her mother's face, and her daddy's respect for the media

This image was taken from the focal point of the Washington Post's most important news story EVER (eclipsing coverage of Samuel Berger's resignation from the Kerry campaign, tomorrow's report by the 9/11 commission, and the Palestinian leadership's current disarray):

"Jenna Bush Sticks Tongue Out at News Photographers"

How does he pull the strings while thumbing his nose like that?

July 15, 2004: Karl Rove "gestures with his hand during a speech saying that Sen. John Kerry thumbed his nose to U.S. troops in Iraq".

July 16, 2004: Op-Ed cartoon by Stuart Carlson

(This remarkable confluence via Dan Froomkin's White House Briefing, the Washington Post, July 20, 2004)

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 30

(With thanks to Chris M.)

The perfect right-wing explanation: Perhaps all these Iraqi police casualties have something to do with their choice of armored vehicles

An Iraqi Police Service vehicle, after having been spruced up by the insurgency

From the Iraq Ministry of Interior's office, "Security Forces Information Packet":

IPS officers drive blue and white vehicles, of various makes and models.

From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, "Convoy is on alert on dangerous road":

To the left are the Iraqi police in their white Hyundais with blue painted doors.

Then again, maybe it's not just their choice of vehicles...

An American Humvee, after having been hummed and veed by an explosive device

From the U.S. Army's Weapons Fact File, "HMMWV":

The HMMWV (High-Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle) is a light, highly mobile, diesel-powered, four-wheel-drive vehicle equipped with an automatic transmission. Based on the M998 chassis, using common components and kits, the HMMWV can be configured to become a troop carrier, armament carrier, S250 shelter carrier, ambulance, TOW missile carrier, and a Scout vehicle.

From MSNBC's "Frantically, the Army tries to armor Humvees: Soft-skinned workhorses turning into death traps":

The cost of an armored Humvee, built from scratch, is $150,000. That's $1.8 billion to replace every Humvee in Iraq with one that offers armored protection. Or, looked at through the windshield of a Humvee on the Baghdad-Tikrit highway, that's less than 2 percent of the $99 billion the Air Force is spending on the F-22 fighter it insists it needs. 

RELATED: Iraq Coalition Casualties

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 29

Karl Rove for the Day, Vol. 6

Hey, he's totally grounding the rhetoric! (Ba-dum.) Four (more years) on the floor! This guy is totally trampling over American values! Talk about carpet bombing!

Dan Bartlett must have missed this "photo oppertoonity"

The wire services and Wisconsin-area local news outlets eagerly covered President Bush's "unscheduled" campaign stop at Mitch's Candy Store in West Bend, Wisconsin, yesterday, but amidst all the hullabaloo over his caloric consumption as he purchased some of the shop's "delicious bearclaws" was one "blink-and-you'll-miss-it" detail.

Wisconsin, a state Bush lost by a mere 6,000 votes in the 2000 election, ranks a respectable eleventh in the nation in education spending, though, somehow, the Bush-supportive candy store that his aides chose for this impromptu photo-op was staffed by people who can't spell the very item that the Secret Service had to have taste-tested beforehand:

Not to harp on spelling-related issues too much, but it's bearclaw, B-E-A-R-C-L-A-W, bearclaw.

He'll probably work on it in earnest for a few months and then drop it like a hot potato and run when it gets too hard

From The New York Post's Book Beat, July 15, 2004:

"Paul Bremer, who stepped down as Ambassador to Iraq two weeks ago, has begun meeting with New York publishers about writing a memoir of his life and his experiences in the Middle East.

"Marvin Josephson, the founding chairman of International Creative Management and the agent on such books as Colin Powell's 'My American Journey' and Tommy Franks' upcoming 'American Soldier,' confirmed that interest in the book is 'very, very high.'"

As are the people who think anyone will buy this bilge, b-i-l-g-e.

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 28

What are you wearing, honey? A gown by Karl Rove and shoes by Karen Hughes

Bovs all over your tees! Sigh. Cokie Roberts has indeed been proven to be correct in her weekend prediction that the heretofore invisible Bush daughters would be increasingly whored out as visual props by the incumbent President's campaign masterminds.

Witness the immaculately staged and perfectly-lit photograph taken by primo fashion shutterbug Patrick Demarchelier, sampled above, and slated to appear in the August issue of Vogue, alongside an additional photo of the twins in more casual attire (see below). Perhaps more significantly, the glossy images are accompanied by what can only be considered a kiss-blowing puff piece/article in the grand tradition of the magazine's fawning coverage of politically peripheral luminaries such as Kirsten Dunst and Salma Hayek (both of whom, we hear, are wicked supporters of animal rights and the Reform-Party movement).

As the Washington Post states, the profile was written by one Julia Reed, who "describes herself as an 'acquaintance of the family' and has spent significant time writing about it." Presumably, these writing projects on the First Family have nothing to do with Ms. Reed's hard-hitting pieces on food ("Kebabing Along", "Giving a Fig", "Classic From a Can") for the New York Times' Magazine Desk.

In fact, she's probably referring to her article in London's Sunday Telegraph, dated November 5, 2000, which opens with the lead,

The only time I ever met George W. Bush during his drinking days, I was drunk and stoned myself. I was all of 15 and a guest at the wedding of Donald Ensenat, Bush's Yale classmate and current adviser.

After we were introduced, I emptied the contents of my glass on to the shoe of the future governor of Texas, prompting my father to throw me into the back of his car and take me home.

Oh, wait, wait, wait...maybe it was this piece in the August 2, 2000 edition of Newsweek, entitled "Suddenly, Republicans are Crazy About Everybody: Likability is the convention's most potent political attribute", in which Ms. Reed writes, "'Likability' has apparently become a more potent political attribute than, say, having a firm grasp of issues or possessing formidable speaking skills...Republicans apparently find it more appealing to appear brain dead than engaged in the issues that often divide the party."

Wow, Julia, honey, it's amazing the First Lady even let you interview her daughters at all! Unless, maybe, you swore off any such opining or commentary...? According to the Washington Post, again, Reed's current piece in Vogue presents such vital nuggets as:

...the daughters' post-graduation plans include Jenna's desire to work for a charter school and Barbara's interest in working with AIDS-afflicted children in Eastern Europe and Africa. Both girls have surrounded themselves with a group of good friends who say such nice things about them that readers might be led to believe these young women have never burped publicly, let alone had a grumpy day.

The story's headline promises that the daughters are about to "give the country a glimpse of who they really are by joining their father on the campaign trail." But those who spend any time on such trails argue that the goal is not to reveal one's real self but a perfectly polished and eloquently scripted facsimile.

But, of course, such low-key anecdotes aren't the news, here. The news is these stunning photos! Thankfully, the Post's Robin Givhan goes into greater detail on the real substantive issues:

Jenna's ruby red dress is by Oscar de la Renta, a designer favored by her mother. Barbara is wearing a similar ivory gown by Calvin Klein.

[...]

The second photograph has the twins dressed in more casual attire. Barbara wears an Alberta Ferretti camisole and Max Mara skirt. Jenna is in a Moschino top, Tommy Hilfiger jacket and trousers from Joe's Jeans. (The twins wear Italian and American labels but no French.) They are walking toward the camera, perfect teeth lighting up their pretty faces. Here they play the roles of chic girls about town. The setting is Schiller's Liquor Bar, one of those downtown New York restaurants where town cars idle out front and the menu is voyeuristically working class, with a wine list that is cheap, decent and good.

They wear another kind of uniform, one that speaks of youth, hipness and moneyed polish. The clothes tease the viewer, offering the faintest whiff of the twins' personalities. Is Jenna in jeans and jacket because she is more casual? More urbane? One wishes that the caption said something like: Jeans, model's own. The restaurant is empty. It was closed for the shoot. There's none of the liveliness that makes it such an enticing place. No "cheap" or "decent" wine on the tables. It's just a tidy backdrop for two perfect smiles.

They'll wear American and Italian, but no French? And come on, gals, Tommy Hilfiger?

Just so you know, ladies, as a bit of closing advice, French Connection U.K. is a British clothier, despite their misleading name, and you can and should feel comfortable supporting our most important ally in the War on Terror. Maybe next time, you darlings can sport one of those endearing "FCUK BUSH" T-shirts?

Cokie, you left out the part about how today's kids loooove bellbottoms

From L to R, Jenna Bush and her father, July 9, 2004; and Barbara Bush and her father, July 13, 2004

From the back-and-forth banter between Cokie Roberts and Chris Matthews, The Chris Matthews Show, July 11, 2004:

Ms. ROBERTS: Well I was going to talk about Michael Moore, but I'll switch and say I think the Bush twins will be out on the campaign trail with midriffs showing and that they will...

MATTHEWS: Will they be for Edwards or what?

Ms. ROBERTS: ...they will be after that youth vote as well.

The glaringly obvious joke would be, "Would you like freedom fries with that?"

As that old "uniter-not-divider" canard strikes anew, a handful of conservatives with their eye on the upcoming presidential election have (very, very, very predictably) earmarked the corporation at the source of Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry's wife's fortune as the target of their ire. Yes, Theresa Heinz Kerry, or rather, Heinz, the ketchup giant she inherited from her deceased Republican husband, is slated for a round of negligible victimization with the release of W Ketchup. From their site:

"W Ketchup™ is made in America, from ingredients grown in the USA. The leading competitor not only has 57 varieties, but has 57 foreign factories as well. W Ketchup comes in one flavor: American. Choose Heinz and you're supporting Teresa and her husband’s Gulfstream Jet, and liberal causes such as Kerry for President."

All good points...and I know I prefer American-flavored ketchup to its various alternatives. And while a 24-ounce bottle of traitorous Heinz-brand ketchup runs a measly $1.69 at FreshDirect, compared with W Ketchup's steeper $3 price tag, bear in mind that "a portion of every W Ketchup sale will be donated to to the Freedom Alliance Scholarship Fund, which provides scholarships for the children of active duty service members killed in the line of duty."

In other words, the more ketchup your kids buy to cover themselves in lieu of blood while pretending to be shot or maimed in childish war games, the more children of actually-killed soldiers benefit! (It's a win-win scenario, save for those troops who were merely maimed, in which case, the kids get nothing.)

Well, there's nothing wrong with freedom, liberty, or American-grown tomatoes. And there's nothing inherently wrong with selfishly looking after your own interests, either. So, please, please, be generous and open your wallets to purchase some of the progressively-minded alternative products below, which we'll be making available shortly.

Lefty™ brand rifles and shotguns

Earth-First unfarmed and recycled tobacco and cigarette-paper products

"Kerry" brand army transport vehicles

Li-burn-all™ brand gasoline (developed at our wide variety of Liberal-owned Alaskan oil refineries)

Abortionist™ brand fetus jars, not to be confused with...

Do-It-Yourself Stem-Cell Kits—FOR KIDS! (also safe for old people)

Green® toxic waste

Porsche™ minivans and sport utility vehicles (as a Euro-loving alternative to the Ryder™ truck used to blow up Oklahoma City's Alfred P. Murrah Federal Office Building)

Oh, and lots and lots of Dijon mustard.

(Thanks to Jeff.)

John-John battles the pink robots

This election just got a little more anime-ated!

America, we are all little girls now

The three stages of Kerry-Edwards support amongst the Democrat-leaning American populace, as indicated by little Amy Campbell-Oates, age 3, in the red shirt:

1. Curious...

2. Wait, wait...totally freaked out.

3. Resigned to a Bush-Cheney victory in November.

Wanted, Dead or Alive...and preferably on the 26th, 27th, or 28th of July

Time to whip out your summertime advent calendar and take a look at the delicious candy we have in store for us this month (I hope it's butterscotch!). The New Republic's latest issue features a piece about the Bush Administration's interaction with Pakistan's Inter-Services Intelligence agency in their collaborative search for so-called High-Value Targets, i.e. villains in the War on Terror™, excerpted below.

From "July Surprise", in The New Republic's July 19th, 2004 issue:

This spring, the administration significantly increased its pressure on Pakistan to kill or capture Osama bin Laden, his deputy, Ayman Al Zawahiri, or the Taliban's Mullah Mohammed Omar, all of whom are believed to be hiding in the lawless tribal areas of Pakistan. A succession of high-level American officials--from outgoing CIA Director George Tenet to Secretary of State Colin Powell to Assistant Secretary of State Christina Rocca to State Department counterterrorism chief Cofer Black to a top CIA South Asia official--have visited Pakistan in recent months to urge General Pervez Musharraf's government to do more in the war on terrorism.

[...]

A third source, an official who works under ISI's director, Lieutenant General Ehsan ul-Haq, informed tnr that the Pakistanis "have been told at every level that apprehension or killing of HVTs before [the] election is [an] absolute must." What's more, this source claims that Bush administration officials have told their Pakistani counterparts they have a date in mind for announcing this achievement: "The last ten days of July deadline has been given repeatedly by visitors to Islamabad and during [ul-Haq's] meetings in Washington." Says McCormack: "I'm aware of no such comment." But according to this ISI official, a White House aide told ul-Haq last spring that "it would be best if the arrest or killing of [any] HVT were announced on twenty-six, twenty-seven, or twenty-eight July"--the first three days of the Democratic National Convention in Boston.

Despicable. Conspiratorial. Unbelievable. The byline says John Judis, Spencer Ackerman and Massoud Ansari, but, seriously...will the influence of Stephen Glass ever wane amongst the purveyors of mistruth at The New Republic?

Late July? They clearly meant late October.

Honey, I'm taking the kids out for I-C-E C-R-E-A-M

The wonderfully droll Bill O'Reilly, as featured in last night's "O'Reilly Factor", FOX News, as it aired July 6, 2004:

"The left wingers on the radio were saying Edwards was born in Bethlehem and is very near the baby Jesus. Now I ask you, how much of this bilge, B-I-L-G-E, bilge, can we take?"

Bear in mind, as you see above, this rant was accompanied by an on-screen graphic with the word "bilge" prominently featured.

Leno-caliber Fun with Screenshots

Click here for the full-sized enlargement, and here to actually read the article, the latter of which seems mind-numbingly boring after such juvenile screenshot antics, but hey.

He's right! Bermuda and India are doing quite well

From Remarks by the President on the Economy, the White House, July 2, 2004:

"We've got an economy which is changing. The nature of the job base is changing. And all that means it's been a difficult period of time. Yet we're strong, we're getting stronger. We're witnessing steady growth, steady growth. And that's important.

From Return of consulting lifts Accenture: First growth in consulting operations in 2-1/2 years boosts firm's profit above Wall Street's views, CNN/Money, July 7, 2004:

Accenture Ltd., one of the world's largest consulting firms, said Wednesday its quarterly profit rose sharply thanks to strong demand for outsourcing and the first real increase in consulting revenue in 2-1/2 years.

[...]

For the fiscal third quarter ended May 31, the Bermuda-incorporated company posted earnings of $210.4 million, or 37 cents a share, up from $132.1 million, or 28 cents a share, a year earlier. The figures were in line with preliminary results the company provided last month.

Opening November 2004 in Union-Free Theaters Nationwide

Saddam Hussein's point-by-point guide to pointing

First, unveil your fist...and get ready. This will be your "pointing hand."

OK, shoot. Whip the index finger out, and aim it pointedly at your accuser. You might even consider gesticulating with your other hand. It certainly adds flair.

Nah, that "other hand" idea was poor. Lower it discreetly, and keep firing away with your primary pointing hand.

Wait, wait, an idea...the "other hand" should be a secondary pointing hand! It's like a double-barreled shotgun, and you're the firing squad.

Use the pointer to enrich your narrative. Remind your audience you've had your ups, your downs...

...and Allah above will always be monitoring us all.

Pack it in, though, when it occurs to you that the newly appointed prime minister wants nothing less than your execution.

At least he's still got his sense of humor, that lovable old bear!

We've already used our patented Scientific Joke Assessment Technology® on United States President George W. Bush, but now's our opportunity to wield this same tool of analysis in the direction of Saddam Hussein. Today marked his first semi-public appearance since, well, being deposed last year, as he faced an Iraqi judge and was read the list of charges against him for his arraignment and impending trial. The verdict? He's a regular funnyman!

Really, these examples of his sardonic wit blow away even the notoriously jocular Slobodan Milosevic and those on trial for war crimes in Sierra Leone.

Asked if he could afford a lawyer, he became jocose.

"The US says that I have millions stashed in Geneva . Why couldn't I afford a lawyer?"

[...]

And he feigned ignorance of the 1988 gassing of the Kurdish town of Halabja, telling the court: "Yes, I read about that in the press - they said it happened in the time of Saddam Hussein."

The Iraqi Todd Barry, as we like to call the deposed leader, will hopefully be making his next appearance in the coming days. And in unrelated comedy news, which has nothing whatsoever to do with brilliant timing and/or joke execution, the current government of Iraq has reinstated the death penalty.

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 26

(This very special German governmental zombie edition comes courtesy of one Christopher Mohney.)

And just like that, donations to his campaign stopped pouring in from Hollywood and Madison Avenue

From President Bush's speech in Turkey on June 29th, in which he defended democratic ideals:

"In some parts of the world, especially in the Middle East, there is wariness toward democracy, often based on misunderstanding. Some people in Muslim cultures identify democracy with the worst of Western popular culture, and want no part of it. And I assure them, when I speak about the blessings of liberty, coarse videos and crass commercialism are not what I have in mind. There is nothing incompatible between democratic values and high standards of decency."

Am I Veep Or Not? Vol. 2

For weeks, the media has been breathlessly scouring internal reports leaked from the Democratic camp, trying to winnow down a hypothetical list of presumptive 2004 Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry's picks for his vice-presidential candidate.

This just in! You heard it here first! Based on preliminary analysis of the above wire service photo, it looks like the 2004 Democratic vice-presidential nominee is...let's see...Senator Paul Sarbanes from Maryland!

Wait, who the fuck is that? Wow, this really comes a surprise. We'd been lead to believe that Kerry would go with someone who could bring him some very key electoral votes or inaccessible voting blocs in the so-called swing states, such as Bill Richardson in New Mexico, or Bob Graham in Florida, or even perennial runner-up Dick Gephardt from Iowa.

Well, to be sure, though Sen. Sarbanes may seem to be somewhat of a surprise pick, the Kerry camp must be confident that...hold on, wait, a correction. We've been so breathless from all this expectant websurfing and newsreading that we failed to notice that the photo was accompanied by a caption reading, "Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry, left, is introduced by Sen. Paul Sarbanes, D-Md., at a fund-raiser in Baltimore on Monday, June 28, 2004."

Shit, are we embarrassed. Well, it's back to the Edwards Watch for us!

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 25

Wait, aren't the French supposed to be rude, and the Irish merely drunk?

Five highlighted responses by President Bush from his interview with the Irish press during his trip abroad this weekend (culled from "Interview of the President by Radio and Television Ireland", June 24, 2004):

1. "Let me finish. Let me finish. May I finish?"

2. "Let me finish. Let me finish, please. Please. You ask the questions and I'll answer them, if you don't mind."

3. "Let me finish, please. Please. Let me finish, and then you can follow up, if you don't mind."

4. "Let me finish."

5. "Please. Please. Please, for a minute, okay. It'll be better if you let me finish my answers, and then you can follow up, if you don't mind."

On a Positive Note, the Hot Dog Vendor on the Corner of 38th and Broadway Will Likely Double His Sales

As a benefit to residents of the city of New York, as well as fans of urban planning and economic development in general, we at low culture are providing this quick-and-easy tear sheet/scorecard entitled, "Holding the 2004 GOP Convention in New York City."

A positive economic benefit of $184 million to the city of New York.

"The transportation plan calls for one lane of avenues directly outside Madison Square Garden to remain open to motorists, except during the approximately 13 hours the convention will be in session...

It also imposes parking restrictions and reroutes bus service...

Streets bordering the convention to the north and south would be closed for several blocks...

A restricted area around the arena will be controlled by checkpoints, where police will demand identification from anyone seeking entry...

Cars entering the area, including those carrying delegates and dignitaries, will be screened for explosives and other contraband by devices that provide real-time video images of their undercarriages...

Between 6,000 to 10,000 officers have been assigned to patrol the streets and subways around the convention...

[Penn Station] riders could face delays, but no shutdowns, officials said...

Preliminary plans call for state and city police officers -- armed with bomb-sniffing dogs and hand-held chemical detection devices -- to board commuter and subway trains one stop before they reach Penn Station during the hours of the convention. The trains will be swept for suspicious packages and terror suspects before being allowed to continue into the station, officials said...

The Lincoln Tunnel, just to the west of the convention site, and the city's other tunnels and bridges will be heavily guarded, but open to usual traffic, authorities said."

Well...for all practical purposes, it seems as though the residents of the city of New York come out roughly even in the end, there, huh?

Thanks, Republican Party, and thanks, Mayor Michael Bloomberg! And at the very least, all of this inconvenience finally gives people something to get all riled up about (in the designated protest areas, of course).

Vote for the New World Order...Vote John Kerry '04!

Presumptive Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry, beckoning his Illuminati and Freemason cronies to rise forth from the dead, or however the fuck that conspiracy shit works.

Oh, and the theme song to Titanic, too...

From President Bush's faith-based initiative-oriented "Remarks by the President in a Conversation on Compassion", Cincinnati, Ohio, June 21, 2004:

I know that many a good soul makes a mistake in their life and ends up in prison. And it seems to make sense to me to spend taxpayers' money to help these prisoners realize a better tomorrow when they get out of prison, give them a second chance. And I want that second chance to be done not only in kind of the traditional way, but also through faith--based and community--based programs. I mean, I can't--frankly, can't think of a better reentry program for somebody to be there with open arms saying, I love you, no matter what you may have done in the past. I want you to succeed, and here--and we're here to help.

If the White House's Office of the Press Secretary has the gall to call this speech a series of "Remarks by the President in a Conversation on Compassion", what, then, does the local Ohio media have to say on the matter? Let's check in with the Cincinnati Enquirer:

"Bush praises power of love"

Well, now that the Enquirer mentions it, the President's speech on rehabilitating prisoners does bear a very, very loose metaphorical resemblance to Celine Dion's lyrics:

’Cause I am your lady/And you are my man/Whenever you reach for me/I’ll do all that I can

We’re heading for something/Somewhere I’ve never been/Sometimes I am frightened/But I’m ready to learn/Of the power of love

Ah, prison jokes! Truly the lowest common denominator of humor. Well, that and films about Dodgeball.

Karl Rove for the Day, Vol. 5

Hi! My name is... (what?) My name is... (who?)

Yet again, the War on Terror™ rubric serves as an effective justification for nearly anything that might infuriate libertarians, however tangential such a connection may be.

From "High Court Rules on Police ID Requests", the Associated Press, June 21, 2004:

The Supreme Court ruled Monday that people do not have a constitutional right to refuse to tell police their names.

The 5-4 decision frees the government to arrest and punish people who won't cooperate by revealing their identity.

The decision was a defeat for privacy rights advocates who argued that the government could use this power to force people who have done nothing wrong to submit to fingerprinting or divulge more personal information.

Police, meanwhile, had argued that identification requests are a routine part of detective work, including efforts to get information about terrorists.

Well, he's certainly not being sworn in as the Minister of Interior Decorating

From Yahoo! News: "Vice-President Dick Cheney swears in Alan Greenspan for a fifth term as chairman of the Federal Reserve, the central bank said in a statement. (AFP/White House/David Bohrer)"

This Saudi crackdown on terror sure has been effective

From "Snow: Saudis Intent on Terror Money Cuts", the Associated Press, June 20, 2004:

"I think the two biggest exports of Saudi Arabia have been oil and terrorism, and that one of the ways in which they supported terrorism was by their support for the schools in which hatred was taught of the West, the so-called madrassas," [Sen. Carl Levin, D-Mich.] told CNN.

"Now, I think they finally have been hit at home, so they realize that what they have helped to unleash in the world is coming back to bite them as well. And so I'm hopeful that they'll take stronger action now," Levin said.

"But until now, I don't see that they have taken strong actions in many areas. And that's part of the problem that we've had."

The chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Sen. Richard Lugar, R-Ind., said that unless Saudi Arabia better protects Americans and other foreigners working in the kingdom, "they're in deep trouble with regard to the oil business."

Yes, Senator Lugar, Saudi Arabia is and will be in "deep trouble with regard to the oil business." Which in no way effects American consumers and the prices they pay for gasoline...

RELATED: John Kerry's campaign website (and this is their typo, not mine) on the matter of "Skyrocking Gas Prices and the Impact on America's Families, Industry and Economy"

Happy skyrocking! Me, I'm off to go spacedancing with my renewable-energy beatbox.

Am I Veep Or Not?

Odds of a Kerry/McCain 2004 Candidacy: 0/1,000,000
Odds of a Kerry/Kucinich 2004 Candidacy: 1/1,000,000

(cf. McCain, Bush Begin to Mend Ties; Senator Wooed by Kerry but Will Appear With Former Rival, Washington Post, June 17, 2004)

I thought I could, I thought I could

From the imagined ramblings of an alternate-universe George W. Bush, best-selling author of inspirational children's books, in response to the actual, real-world ramblings of the actual, real-world President Bush mere hours ago:

Right past that mountain, right over there, are the Iraqi people.

They await liberation. They await the gift of democracy, which we have in great supply aboard our train. They await our presence as liberators.

Over that mountain, there, are weapons of mass destruction, and a terrorist named Abu Mussab al-Zarqawi. He's being harbored by Saddam Hussein, right over that mountain there.

Please, United Nations, and please, Democratic leadership, help me bring the gift of democracy to the people of Iraq, right over that mountain there.

There is a link to al Qaeda. There is a link to al Qaeda.

It's right over that mountain, there.

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 24

God's Omnipotent Smite List (3rd edition)

Christ, God's a busy sumbitch, so please forgive Him for neglecting His editorial duties here at low culture for the past several months. When He was last made available to us to proffer his eminent Smite List, things were going quite poorly in Iraq, there were genocidal concerns in Sudan, and Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry had failed to establish a concrete position on the United States' role in international and domestic affairs.

Thankfully, things have changed for the better since then, and now that his Son has become a major box office draw, and continues to command the interest of the electoral masses as his Holy Vessel (Catholic Division®) is paid visits by the American President, God has more time for Himself with which to erupt and set forth His metaphorical Vesuvius.

Hear ye, cretins, this be the word of God!

Thee Who Shalt be Smitten (on this, the Third Day)
penned by He who remains embedded in the Pledge of Allegiance

1. Vice President Dick Cheney: Richard, my forsaken son, you have lied in my name time and again, and I have turned a blind eye. I even hoped you'd have taken the hint regarding this matter when I made clear that there has never been worthwhile evidence for your conflation of the al Qaeda operation and Saddam's regime. But then, just yesterday (many months, if not years, after I dispelled this nonsense, or thought I had), you lied again, in public, to actual, living people, and said, regarding Saddam, "He had long established ties with al Qaeda." Richard, this was June 14, 2004, and you said this in the context of a campaign speech. In keeping with this insouciance, Richard, I condemn thee to an eternity of being bound and tied to Osama bin Laden, once I find him.

2. Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld: Seriously, Donald, though you rarely, if ever, invoke me by name, I'm nonetheless sick to fucking death of these needless wars you've embarked my people upon. And your title! You're like the Secretary of War, with Ridge more appropriately staffing the Defense position. Come the fuck on. After the photos of torture in Abu Ghraib and other anonymous leaks that I brought to my good friend Sy Hersh (while wrapped in angel feathers and standing atop a fire-borne chariot so as to not draw attention to myself amidst the melee that is Washington), I was certain you'd resign, or perhaps be fired, the latter of which would have allowed you and your family to partake of six months of unemployment checks. Instead, despite your superbness, I shall have to smite thee.

3. Sec. of State Colin Powell: Come on, Colin, I've sat on my jewel-bedecked couch with bated breath (and quills in hand) on many occasions over the past months, confident you'd come forth and spill those secrets about the Bush Administration's dishonest and criminal behavior that only you, me, and your bosses know about, but since it would be considered bad form for me to use Richard Clarke and Paul O'Neill as mouthpieces yet again to get this information out (though I did enjoy it the first two times, I must admit), I'd been relying on your supposed conscience to take care of things. Alas, you've proven yourself to be quite the noble tool, subtly implying that you'll be leaving the Administration next year, but not going so far as to give American voters reason to force this process upon you, say, were they to vote your boss out of office this fall due to information you might have shared with the populace. So noble, you simpering coward.

4. Insurgents, Terrorists, Fedayeen et al: I've said this before, chumps, but cut this shit out, and I mean it this time. You're not just taking out contractors and soldiers who are a part of the Occupying Powers, you're harming innocent civilians, too, which doesn't make you any better than the American armed forces who drop bombs on wedding parties or whatnot and then try to justify it post-haste. Regardless, I'm going to have to force the whole lot of you to consort for time immemorial with my boy Richard, mentioned above.

5. Kevin Shields: Hey, I like discordant music, OK? A deity can only listen to well-tuned harps for so long, and as I fear that Armageddon approacheth, I would hope that you would hurry up with those My Bloody Valentine rarity box sets you've been promising fans for some time now. Their having to wait until 2005 or 2006 is inexcusable, however. I understand that I could remedy this myself through various means, of course, but after my experience with the years-in-the-making -- but nonetheless rushed-feeling -- New Order Retro box set, I learned it was best to stay out of such things. Creative genius does not come from above, contrary to conventional wisdom or whatever you may have learned from Grammy acceptance speeches.

6. President Ronald Reagan: What, am I missing something here? Why are you looking at me like that?

In John We Trust

After last week's embarrassing revelations by the U.S. State Department that key data had been "creatively" edited out of a year-end report that claimed to document the "success" of the War on Terror (which, had the data been included, would have instead conveyed a sharp rise in terror-related attacks), fans of terror-themed prosecutions can rest assured that Ashcroft and Co. are back in business with yesterday's announcement of the indictment of Nuradin M. Abdi, 32, in Columbus, Ohio.

The Somali native, according to the FBI's Cincinnati office, allegedly planned to blow up an unspecified Columbus-area shopping mall, and has thus been charged with misusing immigration documents, fraud, and supporting terrorist activity. Furthermore, according to WABC-TV in New York,

Authorities say they have linked Abdi with Iyman Faris who is a convicted Al-Qaeda member who tried to blow up the Brooklyn Bridge.

The details of this alleged plot are being kept secret. In fact, investigators say plans to blow up a Columbus mall were in their earliest stage. They have also acknowledged they have found no bomb making materials and they don't have evidence to prove Abdi actually went for any terrorist training in Ethiopia.

Well, that's comforting, particularly in the wake of the FBI's resounding success in prosecuting University of Buffalo art professor Steve Kurtz, whose work as an artist explores the politics of biotechnology, for violating the USA PATRIOT act, and Brandon Mayfield, the lawyer in Oregon who had been arrested for his supposed involvement in the Madrid commuter train bombings earlier this spring, after his fingerprints allegedly (and, more significantly, only fleetingly) matched up with those found on a bag used in connection with the attacks.

With those feats of idiocy in mind, it's likely that the FBI's evidence in the mall-bombing case likely consists of some nonsense akin to the following, e.g., this hypothetical letter to home:

Cousin Akbar! I am missing you and the family very much, but I am liking America. I am making friends, and I am even learning to speak the cool vernacular. For instance, I played miniature golf, which was quite dope. I am also planning to blow up the spot later this week at the mall...It will be hot! Smoking, even!

The End Times

(Click here to see Time's actual cover for this week's issue.)

No respect! Seriously, I don't get any respect. I mean, no one respects me.

Through the benefit of fine films such as Journeys with George, it's long been established that our current President is a jocular, fun-loving guy. We've even paid tribute to his chummy tenor ourselves on a few occasions using our tried-and-true Scientific Joke Assessment methodology. However, bestowing nicknames like "Scrappy" or "Shruggy" or whatnot on White House press correspondents or members of your cabinet only goes so far, and at some point a truly engaging president must rely on clever speechwriters to amuse a crowd.

Let's get going, then. To wit, here are the opening quips from Bush 43's remarks at his father's 80th birthday tribute event this weekend.

"Thank you all. As you can see, I have been given the high honor to represent my three brothers, my sister, and our respective families at the 80th birthday party for our dad, our Gampy."

OK, not a bad start. Cute, even. It cuts to the point, with the inclusion of "Gampy" gently invoking a bit of familial interplay. The president continues,

"You're probably wondering how I got to be the family spokesman. (Laughter.)"

Again, pretty funny, all thins considered. He's riffing on the fact that he's the sitting President of the United States -- the most powerful man in the world -- and his father's eldest son. It also bears noting that one of his brothers is merely a governor of some state that juts off from the continental United States, while another brother is an established crook and scam artist from the savings and loan bailouts of the late '80s and early '90s. Much like the "Gampy" line above, he's delicately playing on issues of love and familiarity in a larger, broader context. Continuing,

"Well, we polled the family. And rumor has it, somewhere in our large family, the tiebreaking vote for tonight's speaker was cast by a fourth cousin by the name of Chad. (Laughter and applause.)"

Hmm. Well, OK, we'll give him this one as an act of good faith. He's using the family angle again, which is good, given the setting, though obliquely embarking on this "Chad" tangent may be a bit dicey. After all, it's not really relevant to his father's 80th birthday in any direct form, and it seems ill-advised to reference an issue that many people consider a black mark upon his own supposed presidency, that is to say, that whole Katherine Harris/Jeb Bush/illegal removal of thousands of black voters from the election rolls fiasco. But, yeah, we'll concede the point here. Seriously, it's at least partially clever to go out and make up a fictitious family member in the act of telling a good joke. Continuing, then,

"While holding his son above the crib, Chad's father reports that the lad burped, and it sounded like, "George W." (Laughter.)"

Umm, yeah, he's treading into some poorly-considered territory here. The recount joke/fictitious family member's role has been elongated an extra beat, but now with the addition of a semi-juvenile burping gag. Ugh. Continuing, and really, maybe, he shouldn't,

"Once again, my life was affected by a dangling chad. (Laughter and applause.)"

Oh, fuck! He actually did it! He went back and more or less made stark the otherwise subtler implications of his earlier lines. At this point, it's a wonder he actually moved on in the speech and began to speak about the funeral for his surrogate papa, Ronald Reagan, rather than continue with even more painfully drawn-out jokes about the fictitious baby in the crib also being named Chad, just like his father, and having the cutest dimples this side of the twins' baby photos, ad infinitum.

Here's to you up in heaven, ol' cowboy...Thank you, Ronnie, for enabling us to be spared any jokes about Jews for Buchanan.

RELATED: About.com's Florida Recount Jokes website

We rewrite, you decide, Vol. 4

From the White House's Fighting Corruption Fact Sheet: Fighting Corruption and Improving Transparency from the G-8 summit last week, dated June 10, 2004:

U.S. Actions: The U.S. has taken the lead in the global fight against corruption. On January 12, 2004, President Bush issued a proclamation to deny entry into the United States of corrupt foreign officials, their dependents, and those who corrupt them. The U.S. also led international efforts to gain agreement on the U.N. Convention Against Corruption.

From White House Officials and Cheney Aide Approved Halliburton Contract in Iraq, Pentagon Says, the New York Times, June 14, 2004:

"In the fall of 2002, in the preparations for possible war with Iraq, the Pentagon sought and received the assent of senior Bush administration officials, including the vice president's chief of staff, before hiring the Halliburton Company to develop secret plans for restoring Iraq's oil facilities, Pentagon officials have told Congressional investigators.

The newly disclosed details about Pentagon contracting do not suggest improper political pressures to direct business to Halliburton, the Houston-based company that Vice President Dick Cheney once led.

But they raise questions about assertions by Mr. Cheney and other administration officials that he knew nothing in advance of the Halliburton contracts and that the decisions were made by career procurement specialists, without involvement by senior political appointees."

Like father's boss, like son

"Bush makes it a point to emulate Reagan", Reuters, June 08, 2004

"Reagan's Failure: A scathing report on Iran finally forces Regan out. But can the president recover?", Newsweek, March 9, 1987:

That private signal made it harder to establish that any decision had been made, and easier for the president to forget what he had done. Regan still insists that the president did not approve the August 1985 Israeli shipment in advance. Reagan himself first told the Tower panel that he had approved it; then, after staff briefings, he said he hadn't. Finally, in a letter to the board, he said he might have allowed others to influence his recollection: "The simple truth is, I don't remember -- period." The flip-flop, his aides said, was humiliating to Reagan; if he couldn't remember when he made a decision to sell weapons to Iran in exchange for U.S. hostages, his critics wondered, what could he remember?

"Bush: U.S. Expected to Follow Law On Prisoners; President Is Pressed On Interrogations Memo", Washington Post, June 11, 2004:

Pressed repeatedly during a news conference here about a Justice Department memo saying torture could be justified in the war on terrorism, Bush said only that U.S. interrogators had to follow the law.

Asked whether he agrees with the Justice Department view, Bush said he could not remember whether he had seen the memorandum.

The least-interesting angle from the N.Y. Times' panoramic-camera coverage of Reagan's wake at the Capitol today

The least-interesting angle from inside Reagan's casket at the Capitol today

Pimp My Ride (Iraq edition): Leather seats, CD changer, and an interim government

Showing off his new toy: "U.S. President George W. Bush drives Iraqi President Ghazi al-Yawar past photographers after their meeting at the Group of Eight Summit in Sea Island, Georgia, June 9, 2004." (Reuters)

You should see the third side of his mouth

From "Post's Woodward: Journalists should have been more skeptical about Iraq war buildup", Associated Press, June 9, 2004:

''I believe we have a duty to free people and liberate people,'' Woodward said Bush told him during interviews for his book ''Plan of Attack.''

From Condoleeza Rice's remarks to the Republican National Convention, August 1, 2000:

"[George W. Bush] recognizes that the magnificent men and women of America’s armed forces are not a global police force. They are not the world’s 911."

The Visual Display of Quantitative Information

(Incoherent chart taken from Yahoo News/Los Angeles Times)

Swingin' Summit: G8, live from Orange County

"Well, hello gorgeous."

"God, are we lucky or what?"

"We really must talk. I need to see you alone."

"I brought the vibrating egg."

"God, your skin feels so soft... I just feel everything so vividly."

"Mmmmm, dessert..."

"Y'all are from Russia? Did you bring the love?"

"Seriously. It feels like velvet. Everything just feels so good!"

"Mi esposa es su esposa, hos."

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 23

(Though it may be a bit hard to tell, that is indeed Tony Blair at the G8 summit.)

Politicking in the age of America's "most popular modern President"

For those of you who don't regularly visit George W. Bush's campaign website and official weblog and Meet-Up site, you may not have known that for the past several days, the site's front page has been overtaken by the gargantuan, one-thousand-pixels wide layout sampled above. (Constructive note to the G.O.P. web team: It's doubtful that the majority of Republican Middle American visitors to your website have screen resolutions greater than 800x600. Just a tip for any future pandering ideas you may have.)

In case you'd forgotten, President Bush has claimed over and over again to have modeled his presidency on Reagan's, and many articles made available this week have reified this point nicely, if not a bit sardonically. You know, tax cuts, deficit spending, reduction of benefits and social services, increased arms spending, etc. Oh, and patriotism. That last thing comes in handy when you consider the 24/7 orgy of Reagan-worship television viewers have been subjected to since news of his death on Saturday. Notably, many commentators have gone so far as to iterate the idea that Ronald Reagan was the most beloved and popular president of modern times.

In that vein, then, here's some additional information on The Deity That Was Reagan:

"As measured by Gallup polls, Reagan on average had a 53 ... Reagan's highest job approval rating was 65 percent...His average approval rating was 48 percent in 1987 and 53 percent in 1988, though, like most presidents, he got a final lift in his last month of office, getting a 63 percent approval rating in December 1988."

Here, as well, is some additional information on The Shame That Was Clinton:

"The president leaves office with 61% of the public approving of the way he is handling the job, combined with a surprisingly lofty 64% favorability rating (up from 48% in May 2000)..."

On that note, John Kerry's official campaign website is expected to soon post the following splashpage:

You're Not Following Orders, Soldier!

In today's Los Angeles Times: "Prison Interrogators' Gloves Came Off Before Abu Ghraib"

"I said, take the gloves off, soldier!"

Double feature with Fahrenheit 9/11

(Original photo of Iraqi children part of this Reuters article.)

Tear down this velvet rope! (I can't see him from here)

Members of the public solemnly view their fallen leader in Simi Valley, CA, June 8, 2004.

Members of the public solemnly view their fallen leader in Red Square, Moscow, undated.

(Thanks to Choire.)

No, look down, down, buried under the beaches of Normandy

Though you may have missed it while gazing up to the heavens in hopes of getting a glimpse of a fallen leader, President Bush was interviewed by NBC's master interlocutor Tom Brokaw this weekend amidst the events commemorating D-Day's 60th anniversary. At least, I think this was the case, as I was honestly too busy trying to decide which Sunday-evening activity would qualify me as a Better American™: watching cable news network tributes to Ronald Reagan's life of honesty and virtue, or tuning in to see how this season's Sopranos resolved itself.

And, fuck, I ended up watching the other Tony, that awards show.

But here's a notable selection from what President Bush had to say re: the whole Iraq boondoggle in this weekend's chat with Brokaw:

BUSH: “I think it's fair to say that, you know, that the enemy didn't lay down its arms like we had hoped.”

BROKAW: “And you were not greeted as liberators like Vice President Cheney said that you would be.”

BUSH: “Well, I think we've been -- let me just -- I think we've been thanked by the people of Iraq. And I think you'll hear more of that from people like Prime Minister Alawi and the foreign minister, who both have repeatedly, ‘Thank you for what you've done, and by the way, help us.’

Also this weekend, two Americans and two Poles were thanked by the people of Iraq. Well, maybe "thanked" was a poor choice of words.

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 22

"Fool me once, shame...shame on...you. Fool me — can't get fooled again!"

From "Bush Finds Lawyer to Use if Called in Leak Case", the New York Times, June 3, 2004:

President Bush has met with a private lawyer whom he intends to hire to represent him if he is questioned as part of a grand jury investigation into the public disclosure of a C.I.A. undercover officer's identity, the White House said Wednesday.

[...]

Mr. Wilson and some Democrats have charged that the White House leaked Ms. Plame's identity as a way of retaliating against Mr. Wilson.

From Vice Presidential candidate Dick Cheney's address to the Republican National Convention, August 2, 2000:

"George W. Bush will repair what has been damaged. He is a man without pretense and without cynicism. A man of principle, a man of honor. On the first hour of the first day...he will restore decency and integrity to the oval office. He will show us that national leaders can be true to their word...and that they can get things done by reaching across the partisan aisle, and working with political opponents in good faith and common purpose."

From Condoleeza Rice's remarks to the Republican National Convention, August 1, 2000:

"George W. Bush will work with Congress so that America speaks with one voice. He has demonstrated in this campaign that he will never use foreign policy for narrow partisan purposes."

And from his concession speech next fall, "John Kerry will make a superb president"

President Bush on CIA director George Tenet, upon learning of his resignation, June 3, 2004:

"He's been a strong and able leader at the agency, and I will miss him. I told him I'm sorry he's leaving. He's done a superb job on behalf of the American people."

President Bush on Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, upon learning that a number of people were calling for his firing, May 10, 2004:

"You are courageously leading our nation in the war against terror. You are doing a superb job. You are a strong Secretary of Defense and our nation owes you a debt of gratitude."

Dubya, Dubya, Too

In today's commencement address to recent graduates of the Air Force Academy, President Bush sought to make his modern-day War on Terror analogous to the heroic fighting of World War II. And in the grand tradition of Bush's prior usage of black-and-white absolutism, the speech framed the current struggle in the Middle East in terms of very clear and sharp contrasts: right and wrong, good and bad, democracy and fascism, father and son, etc.

His speech was notably short on specifics, however. Admittedly, his communications director Dan Bartlett is probably very overworked right now, having to fend off an increasingly combative press and increasing dissension in the ranks of the Bush White House, so we thought we'd help and compile this list of additional WWII analogies Bush might have invoked this afternoon, had his writers and researchers been given more time.

D.C.-beat writers die of pun overdose

NASTY WEATHER
SHIT STORM
IN THE EYE OF THE STORM
HURRICANE GEORGE
STORMY WEATHER
A GATHERING STORM

....ack

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 21

Quelle surprise!

From "Choice Breaks Deadlock on New Government; Council Disbands", the New York Times, June 1, 2004:

After the announcements [of appointments to the new prime minister's cabinet], a member of the Iraqi Governing Council said the body would immediately dissolve rather than remain in office until the June 30 transfer of sovereignty.

Younadam Kana, a member of the council, told reporters that 20 of the 22 members of the American-appointed body agreed to disband.

TOTALLY UNRELATED LINKS:

"Council member ambushed in Najaf", CNN.com, May 27, 2004

"Head of Iraqi Governing Council Killed", the Guardian, May 17, 2004

"Iraq governing council member shot", CNN.com, September 20, 2003

He should hire that prison's publicist

Lakhdar Brahimi, meet Lizzie Grubman

If you had begun to wonder how well things were (or weren't) going in our efforts to establish full Iraqi sovereignty before the Bush administration's June 30th deadline, consider the subliminal grammatical clues put forth by reporters covering the matter for the New York Times. Specifically, for this one exercise, we'll look at Christine Hauser's "Top Candidate to Lead Iraq's Interim Government Says He Doesn't Want the Job", May 27, 2004:

Dr. Shahristani, a Shiite, had established his credentials by breaking with Saddam Hussein over his plans to develop an atomic bomb and spent several years in Abu Ghraib as a result. He escaped to the West in 1991, during the Persian Gulf war, and led an exile group from London in the intervening years.

[...]

A spokesman for Lakhdar Brahimi, the United Nations envoy who has been leading the effort to build a new government, said Wednesday afternoon that Dr. Shahristani had "clarified that he would prefer to serve his country in other ways."

That's right, one of those newsworthy figures received a qualifying clause while the other did not. In other words, it's assumed that we already know who or what "Abu Ghraib" is, while we need to be reminded who or what this "Lakhdar Brahimi" is or signifies.

Sadly "abuse" will beat "reconstruction efforts" everytime, although in childhood, the opposite always held true: "paper" beats "rock", right? (This was how the game was played, correct? I honestly don't recall there being a comparable schoolyard triptych for "mask/women's underwear/dogs".)

The low culture Subtext Finder, Vol. 2

"Seriously, vote for Bush. I'm fucking serious."

Yesterday, Attorney general John Ashcroft and Robert Mueller, director of the FBI, held a news briefing/press conference/photo-show-and-tell to alert the American public of the possibilty that al Qaeda, our arch-nemesis in the War on Terror™, may be planning summertime attacks on the U.S.

While perhaps a few jitney riders and resort-goers may experience some inconvenience due to these quasi-anticipated attacks, rest assured, dear nervous Americans, that the motives of our Great Enemy transcend mere discomfiture.

From the transcript of Ashcroft's briefing to the press:

"After the March 11th attack in Madrid, Spain, an Al Qaida spokesman announced that 90 percent of the arrangements for an attack in the United States were complete.

The Madrid railway bombings were perceived by Osama bin Laden and Al Qaida to have advanced their cause. Al Qaida may perceive that a large-scale attack in the United States this summer or fall would lead to similar consequences."

Perhaps a translation is in order:

"After al Qaeda attacked hundreds of Spanish commuters shortly before an election, the voting populace in Spain suprised us all by electing an opponent of the U.S.-led war on terror into national office, thereby replacing an official who had stood by President Bush's side during his unpopular invasion of Iraq. Thus, al Qaeda 'won'. Furthermore, this means that they shall 'win' again if you, the American public, were to elect John Kerry this fall, since he, too, has at times spoken out against the way in which Bush has been embarking on this particular war on terror. But then again, if the attacks take place before the election, do we stop them, and hope that, as with the Spanish example, 'no attack' means the re-election of the pro-war candidate? Or do we let the attacks happen and make Spain an example in 'what not to do'? Fuck. Bush/Cheney 2004!"

Of course, that's just one reading of the material presented at the press briefing. And it's not like anyone else has a similar take on yesterday's event.

Pete and Repete were in a boat and Pete jumped out. Who was left?

The third in a series of posts delicately pointing out the mindless repetition inherent to the political 'stump speech'. This week's target, Vice President Dick Cheney. (EARLIER: George W. Bush, John Kerry)

Remarks by the Vice President at a Reception for 2004 State Victory Committee, Little Rock, Arkansas, May 24, 2004:

And some of you may know that my only job as Vice President is to preside over the United States Senate. When they wrote the Constitution, they created the post of Vice President, but they got down to the end of the convention, and they remembered suddenly they hadn't given him anything to do. (Laughter.) So they made him the President of the Senate, the presiding officer.

It's not quite as exciting as it used to be. My predecessor John Adams actually had floor privileges. He could go down in the well and engage in the debate. And then he did a couple of times, and they withdrew his floor privileges. (Laughter.) They've never been restored.

Remarks by the Vice President at the Diamond Casting and Machine Tool Company, Hollis, New Hampshire, May 10, 2004:

My only real job as Vice President is as President of the Senate. When they wrote the Constitution, they got down to the end of the convention, they'd created this post called Vice President, but they hadn't given the guy anything to do. (Laughter.) So they made him the presiding officer of the United States Senate.

And my predecessor John Adams, our first Vice President, also had floor privileges. He could actually go down into the floor of the Senate and participate in the debate. And then he did a couple of times, and they withdrew his floor privileges. (Laughter.) And they've never been restored.

Remarks by the Vice President at a Reception for Gubernatorial Candidate Mitch Daniels, Indianapolis, Indiana, April 23, 2004:

My only real job as Vice President is to preside over the United States Senate. When they wrote the Constitution and created the post of Vice President, they got down to the end of the Constitutional Convention and suddenly realized they hadn't given the Vice President any job. He didn't have anything to do. So they made him the President of the Senate, said, you get to preside over the Senate, cast tie-breaking votes.

And my predecessor John Adams, our first Vice President, also had floor privileges. He was allowed to go down into the well and actually engage in the debate of the day. And then he did a couple of times, and they withdrew his floor privileges. (Laughter.) They've never been restored.

Remarks by the Vice President at a Luncheon for Congressional Candidate Sam Graves, Kansas City, Missouri, April 23, 2004:

My only official duty as Vice President is to preside over the Senate. When they wrote the Constitution, they created the post of Vice President, and they got down to the end of the Constitutional Convention, they figured out they hadn't given him anything to do. (Laughter.) So they made him the President of the Senate to allow the Vice President to preside over the Senate, also cast that tie-breaking vote when the Senate is 50-50 on a proposition.

My predecessor John Adams, our first Vice President, also had floor privileges. He could go down into the well of the Senate and actually join in the debate and argue the issues of the day. And then he did a couple of times, and they withdrew his floor privileges. (Laughter.) They've never been restored.

Remarks by the Vice President at a Luncheon for Congressional Candidate Kevin Triplett, Roanoke, Virginia, April 19, 2004:

My only official duty is as President of the Senate. When they wrote the Constitution, they created the post of Vice President. But they got down to the end of the Constitutional Convention, they realized they had not given him anything to do. (Laughter.) So they made him the President of the Senate, the presiding officer. And you get to preside over the United States Senate, cast tie-breaking votes when the Senate is tied.

And my predecessor John Adams, our first Vice President, also had floor privileges. He could actually go into the well and engage in debate and talk about the issues of the day. And then he did a couple of times, and they withdrew his floor privileges. (Laughter.)

Remarks by the Vice President at An Event for Congressman Jon Porter, Las Vegas, Nevada, January 15, 2004:

Most people don't realize that my only real job is as the President of the Senate. When they wrote the Constitution, they created the post of Vice President, and then they got down to the end of the Constitutional Convention and realized that they hadn't given anything to do. (Laughter.) So at the least minute they cobbled together this job called the President of the Senate, and made it possible for the Vice President to actually be called the President of the Senate -- I actually get paid by the Senate; that's where my paycheck comes from -- to preside as the presiding officer of the Senate, cast tie-breaking votes when the Senate is deadlocked.

And my predecessor, John Adams, our first Vice President also had floor privileges. He could go down into the well of the Senate and engage in the debate of the day, and actually participate in the exciting debate on the major issues of the day in the Senate, itself. And then he did a couple of times, and they withdrew his floor privileges. (Laughter.) And they've never been reinstated.

Sadly, the Vice President hasn't quite perfected his delivery and comic timing when addressing an international audience. Here he is speaking to a crowd of students at China's Fudan University:

Remarks by the Vice President at Fudan University Followed by Student Body Q&A, Shanghai, China, April 15, 2004:

The role of the Vice President has evolved over the years. When our Constitution was written in Philadelphia at our Constitutional Convention, they created the position of Vice President. But when they got to the end of the convention, they decided that they hadn't given him anything to do. He had no work. So they made him the President of the Senate, that is the presiding officer over our upper house of our Congress and gave him the ability to cast tie-breaking votes.

Media scorecard: Old news is new news

Ah, Newsweek. You've got the Ahmed Chalabi story on your cover this week, as might be expected of any arbiter of mainstream journalism. It's quite a tale you've got, there...except, much like last summer's Joseph Wilson/Robert Novak story, the lowest-common-denominator media is playing catchup once again. And, as before, a few-too-many months after the fact.

From "The Rise and Fall of Chalabi: Bush's Mr. Wrong", Newsweek, May 31, 2004:

Much of Chalabi's dubious intelligence was funneled to the DIA through top Pentagon civilians. Under Secretary Feith himself signed a long and detailed summary of the intelligence linking Saddam to terrorists and WMD. The Feith memo, stamped secret, submitted to Congress and leaked to the conservative Weekly Standard magazine last summer, reads like a conspiracy theorist's greatest hits. Interviewed last week by NEWSWEEK, Feith was a little defensive about his relationship with Chalabi. "The press stories would have him as my brother. I met him a few times. He was very smart, very articulate," Feith said. Feith allowed he has always been drawn to the stories of exiles who come back to save their countries. But he rejected the idea that he had been Chalabi's tool or dupe.

From "Blind Into Baghdad", by James Fallows, The Atlantic Monthly, January/February 2004:

On a Friday afternoon last November, I met Douglas Feith in his office at the Pentagon to discuss what has happened in Iraq. Feith's title is undersecretary of defense for policy, which places him, along with several other undersecretaries, just below Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Deputy Secretary Paul Wolfowitz in the Pentagon's hierarchy. Informally he is seen in Washington as "Wolfowitz's Wolfowitz"—that is, as a deputy who has a wide range of responsibilities but is clearly identified with one particular policy. That policy is bringing regime change to Iraq—a goal that both Wolfowitz and Feith strongly advocated through the 1990s.

[...]

"This is an important point," he said, "because of this issue of What did we believe? ... The common line is, nobody planned for security because Ahmed Chalabi told us that everything was going to be swell." Chalabi, the exiled leader of the Iraqi National Congress, has often been blamed for making rosy predictions about the ease of governing postwar Iraq. "So we predicted that everything was going to be swell, and we didn't plan for things not being swell." Here Feith paused for a few seconds, raised his hands with both palms up, and put on a "Can you believe it?" expression. "I mean—one would really have to be a simpleton. And whatever people think of me, how can anybody think that Don Rumsfeld is that dumb? He's so evidently not that dumb, that how can people write things like that?" He sounded amazed rather than angry.

What's cooking for the major weeklies, the national dailies, and the cable news networks in the coming months? Judging by the fleet of alt-weekly trendspotters with whom we consulted, odds are in favor that we'll see a scandalous news cycle or two about President Bush's alliance with the Christian right.

The tongue-in-cheek Times

From "C.I.A. Bid to Keep Some Detainees Off Abu Ghraib Roll Worries Officials", the New York Times, May 25, 2004:

The Central Intelligence Agency's practice of keeping some detainees in Abu Ghraib prison off the official rosters so concerned a top Army officer and a civilian official there that they reached a written agreement early this year to stop.

An undated copy of the memorandum was obtained by The New York Times. It was described as an agreement between the Army intelligence unit assigned to the prison and "external agencies," a euphemism for the C.I.A., to halt practices that bypassed both military rules and international standards.

[...]

The memorandum criticizing the practice of keeping prisoners off the roster was signed by Col. Thomas M. Pappas, commander of the 205th Military Intelligence Brigade, and a James Bond, who is identified as "SOS, Agent in Charge." Military and intelligence officials said that they did not know of a Mr. Bond who had been assigned to Abu Ghraib, and that it was possible that the name was an alias.

Gosh, you think so?

On a tangential note, it's slightly amusing to imagine the sense of identification various male government officials seem to have with Agent 007. Not only international-oriented figures, as with the CIA instance cited above, but domestically, as well, as this pose by the FBI's top cop suggests. Although what Johnny would do with all those mysterious temptresses, we have no idea...though he's got the gun thing down pat.

Dubya: the endorsements keep coming in

(With thanks to Jeff)

Rumsfeld's Rules: Donald's Photoblog, Vol. 2

After having prepared Volume 1 not too long ago, it's rather upsetting that there's even a need for a second round, but, alas, more Abu Ghraib prison torture photos and video clips have been released, courtesy of the Washington Post.

And a handful of these, sadly (though containing less of the jubilant thumbs-up mentality which we've seen in other leaked photos), are even more dehumanizing than the images with which most of us have become familiar by now. One caption which the Post has sensitively given to one of the photos (which you'll see below) reads simply, "A baton-wielding U.S. soldier appears to be ordering a naked detainee covered in a brown substance to walk a straight line with his ankles handcuffed." A brown substance, indeed. Why, that must be mud from the banks of the River Euphrates, right?

Again, as before, all captions come from Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's notorious leadership tract of January 29, 2001, "Rumsfeld's Rules: Advice on government, business and life," which appeared in the Wall Street Journal when Rumsfeld initially took office three years ago. Captions continue below...

"Don't accept the post or stay unless you have an understanding with the president that you're free to tell him what you think “with the bark off” and you have the courage to do it."

"Control your time. If you're working off your in-box, you're working off the priorities of others. Be sure the staff is working on what you move to them from the president, or the president will be reacting, not leading."

"Don't let the complexity of a large company mask the need for performance. Bureaucracy is a conspiracy to bring down the big. And it can. You may need to be large to compete in the world stage, but you need to find ways to avoid allowing that size to mask poor performance."

"Prune -- prune businesses, products, activities, people. Do it annually."

"Don't be a bottleneck. If a matter is not a decision for the president or you, delegate it. Force responsibility down and out. Find problem areas, add structure, and delegate. The pressure is to do the reverse. Resist it."

"Walk around. If you are invisible, the mystique of the president's office may perpetuate inaccurate impressions about you or the president, to his detriment. After all, you may not be as bad as they're saying."

And, finally, in Donald's own words:

"Don't do or say things you would not like to see on the front page of the Washington Post." That, and "Be able to resign. It will improve your value to the president and do wonders for your performance."

Lose 15lbs. by June 30th!

Total duration of President Bush's public address to the media on matters pertaining to the situation in Iraq, Palestinian deaths in Rafah, and domestic energy concerns, after his Cabinet Meeting on May 19, 2004 (from "President Discusses Iraq, Economy, Gas Prices in Cabinet Meeting", whitehouse.gov):

7 minutes, 12:04 - 12:11 PM EDT

From "Physicians report Bush in 'unbelievable' condition", USA TODAY, August 6, 2002:

Bush's good health is no accident. The president, a teetotaler since age 40 and a non-smoker — except for an occasional cigar — jogs 3 miles, mostly on a treadmill, at least four times a week. He works out with free weights for 45 minutes at least twice a week.

And to think some left-wingers consider this guy an out-of-touch fat cat.

Inappropriate (and very, very decontextualized) "gallows humor"

From "Pentagon Finds More Prison Abuse Photos", Associated Press, May 20, 2004:

Photos of two American soldiers posing with thumbs up near a body packed in ice at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison were shown on ABC-TV.

The photos showed Army Sgt. Charles A. Graner Jr. and Spc. Sabrina Harman, both of whom have already been charged in the prisoner abuse scandal.

The detainee, whose badly bruised corpse was in a body bag packed with ice, died in the prison's showers while being interrogated by the CIA or other civilian agents, ABC reported Wednesday. It said the Justice Department is investigating the death.

[...]

[Graner's lawyer, Guy Womack of Houston,] told ABC News the photo of his client represented inappropriate "gallows humor."

Ohhhh, I get it. Let me give it a try, too! (But below the fold, I mean, cos it is "inappropriate.")

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 20

Baby, it's just you and me against the world

From President Bush's address to AIPAC (President Speaks to the American Israel Public Affairs Committee), Washington, D.C., Tuesday, May 18, 2004:

The Israeli people have always had enemies at their borders and terrorists close at hand. Again and again, Israel has defended itself with skill and heroism. And as a result of the courage of the Israeli people, Israel has earned the respect of the American people. (Applause.)

The very next day, from "Explosion rips through crowd of Palestinian demonstrators, killing at least 10", San Francisco Chronicle, Wednesday, May 19, 2004:

An Israeli missile and four tank shells ripped through a large crowd of Palestinians demonstrating Wednesday against the Israeli invasion of a neighboring refugee camp, killing at least 10 Palestinians. Hospital officials said all the victims were children and teenagers.

Israel's military acknowledged that soldiers fired four tank shells, a missile and machine guns to stop 3,000 Palestinian demonstrators it said were heading toward a battle zone in the Gaza Strip.

"There were armed men in the midst of the demonstration," Brig. Gen. Ruth Yaron, the army spokeswoman, told Israel TV's Channel One.

For what it's worth, there are some additional reports indicating that some of the demonstrators and protesters were throwing rocks, which I guess makes the whole "missiles" and "tank shells" response fair enough.

Hysterically blinded by the Sun

On some indeterminate date between A.M. Rosenthal's leaving his position at the New York Times in 1999 and subsequently penning his column for the Daily News, Crazy Abe really lost it. I mean, totally, completely, lost it.

How else to explain the tormented editorial screed appearing (via Romenesko) in today's New York Sun? In reading Rosenthal's psychotic litany, we're privy to the Times' former executive editor's musings on the media's coverage of the prisoner-abuse scandal at Abu Ghraib and, in particular, the manner in which the media failed to provide proper context for the abuses and the concomitant photos.

What context, you ask? Perhaps some Sy Hersh-esque examination of abuse-related directives having come from the top down? No? Well, maybe some broader examination of a climate of governmental deception, in the tradition of Rosenthal's own 1960 Pulitzer Prize-winning Times coverage of Poland's misdeeds? No, you are soooo wrong, young whippersnapper!

That prisoner-abuse context that the media failed to provide over the past few weeks was Saddam Hussein and his since-toppled government's having used "poison gas on civilians they wanted to eliminate, like the Kurds." Thank you for the refresher course, Abe Rumsfeld.

Furthermore, Rosenthal continues, "We are uneasy even at the very idea of bringing up the mass Iraqi torture and murder. That is an insult to all those murdered masses of Iraqis, Kuwaitis, Jews, and Iranians. It is essential that we remember, ourselves, and the young members of the American armed forces know that they are fighting a government that is fascist in organization and in its slavering sadism."

Bear in mind, then, that the next time you see images of prisoners of war chained to bedframes with panties on their heads, the reason these sundry havoc-wreakers, as well as uncharged shopkeepers and wives of Ba'athist officials, are naked and/or have undergarments covering their visages is due to Saddam's having gassed 100,000 Kurds during the Reagan and Bush I administrations fifteen years earlier. And on a factual basis alone, please disregard Rosenthal's assertions that America's armed forces (his tense, not mine) "are fighting a government", contrary to the image of American forces having helped to famously topple Saddam's statue one year ago, and their current occupation of the Republican Palace in Baghdad.

And back to that "litany" idea again, Rosenthal repeats, "Since the latest torture story, many editors have failed to present background stories about the millions killed by Saddam." That's right, "millions", even though the heretofore-most-liberal estimates of deaths under Saddam's regime maxed out at 300,000 or therabouts. But, much like Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz's being drastically off the mark a few weeks ago in his own detailing of the number of American military casualties in Iraq, numbers are notoriously flexible when you're trying to provide support for an otherwise reprehensible idea.

Finally, there's this indignant gauntlet from Rosenthal: "In the years before World War II, officials of the New York Times shamed the paper by squeezing stories about millions of Europeans suffering and dying in the Nazi concentration camps, into meager and insufficient space. Years later, the paper tried to find out exactly who made those decisions. It could not, but it published an apology from its heart." Except, as far as "context" is concerned, those were current events at the time.

Dear, sweet, Abe: perhaps newspaper editors can feel comfortable about revisiting the events of the late 1980s on their front pages as they pair those particular Kurdish history lessons with coverage of that era's U.S. government support for both Afghanistan's various insurgencies and Saddam Hussein himself in his war with Iranian Shiite fundamentalists.

See, that's the problem with "context" and "history": unlike President Bush's war of Good-vs.-Evil, there are no absolutes.

Man, what a year

(Click here to see Time's actual cover for this week's issue.)

Superstar Inquisitor: Tony Snow

From "Telephonic Interview of the Vice President by Tony Snow, Fox News," a.k.a, "Speed Dating with Tony Snow and Dick Cheney," The Vice President's Office, 11:08 A.M. EDT:

SNOW: Thirty seconds. Why is Ted Kennedy so mad at you?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Me personally?

SNOW: Yes.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: I didn't know he was.

SNOW: Okay. Vice President Dick Cheney, I want to thank you for joining -- and by the way, is "Red River" really your favorite movie?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: (Laughter.) Well, it's right up there at the top of my short list.

Click here for another stellar interview with the Vice President.

We're so sorry we doubted you, Mr. President

Father, and son: Nick Berg and his family

While the media reacts with outrage over the release of videotaped footage of the beheading of 26-year-old civilian contractor Nick Berg in Iraq this week, the bigger story seems to have fallen through the cracks.

Namely, we've finally found that elusive connection between Iraq and al-Qaeda that the American public heard so much about from the President and his advisors for the past two years.

"An Islamist Web site posted a videotape Tuesday showing the decapitation of an American in Iraq, in what the killers called revenge for the American mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison.

The Web site said the man who carried out the beheading was Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, a Jordanian militant linked to al-Qaeda who the Americans believe was behind some of the deadliest terrorist attacks here."

Admittedly, America-hating lefties may point out that this new connection technically falls under the rubric of a "post-Saddam Iraq", and, furthermore, the occupying American army more or less created the terrorist-supporting circumstances which lead to this connection, but regardless: Well done, guys!

In tribute to this development, and to our baseball-loving commander-in-chief, I'm off to go watch a film about the American pastime, Field of Dreams. You know the movie..."If you build it, they will come."

(NOTE: This entry has been 'corrected' from its originally-posted form. See comments for more info.)

"See, I never said Iraqis would govern themselves after June 30th..."

John Negroponte, newly-appointed President of Iraq, erm, U.S. Ambassador to Iraq

From today's statement by President Bush at the Pentagon:

"In the next few weeks, important decisions will be made on the make up of the interim government. As of June 30th, Iraq's interim government will assume duties now performed by the coalition, such as providing water and electricity and health care and education."

Maybe he meant to add "...and governing Iraq" at the tail end there, and carelessly left it out?

No, wait, that would contradict Article 26 of the Iraqi Constitution recently implemented by the occupying Coalition:

"(A) Except as otherwise provided in this Law, the laws in force in Iraq on 30 June 2004 shall remain in effect unless and until rescinded or amended by the Iraqi Transitional Government in accordance with this Law.

(C) The laws, regulations, orders, and directives issued by the Coalition Provisional Authority pursuant to its authority under international law shall remain in force until rescinded or amended by legislation duly enacted and having the force of law.

Rumsfeld's Rules: Donald's Photoblog

All captions come from Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's notorious leadership tract of January 29, 2001, "Rumsfeld's Rules: Advice on government, business and life," which appeared in the Wall Street Journal when Rumsfeld initially took office three years ago.

As you're surely well aware by now, some of the Iraqi prison torture images from Abu Ghraib are rather, well, foul, so the captioning continues below...

"Enjoy your time in public service. It may well be one of the most interesting and challenging times of your life."

"It is easier to get into something than to get out of it."

"Don't 'overcontrol' like a novice pilot. Stay loose enough from the flow that you can observe, calibrate and refine."

"Amid all the clutter, beyond all the obstacles, aside from all the static, are the goals set. Put your head down, do the best job possible, let the flak pass, and work toward those goals."

"Let your family, staff and friends know that you're still the same person, despite all the publicity and notoriety that accompanies your position."

"From where you sit, the White House may look as untidy as the inside of a stomach. As is said of the legislative process, sausage making and policy making shouldn't be seen close-up. Don't let that panic you. Things may be going better than they look from the inside."

"Keep your sense of humor. As Gen. Joe Stillwell said, 'The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind.'"

Oh, and in closing, bearing in mind these photos are several months old:

"If you foul up, tell the president and correct it fast. Delay only compounds mistakes."

(Original link to "Rumsfeld's Rules" by way of Josh Marshall's Talking Points Memo, with photographs taken from both the New Yorker and the Washington Post.)

CONTINUED: Rumsfeld's Rules: Donald's Photoblog, Vol. 2

OK, we admit it, again: Republicans are right

In preparation for our enthusiastically volunteering at this fall's Republican National Convention in New York City, we've begun heartily agreeing with a number of Republican opinions of late, including obsessive madman Dick Cheney yesterday, and, today, Representative Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.), who has decried the Bush administration's latest efforts to clamp down on Cuba's government as the continuation of an historically ineffective methodology of dealing with our petite Communist neighbor to the south, and little more than primitive election-year antics targeted to Florida's Cuban voters. Specifically, Flake is addressing administration plans to further impede the ability for Americans to visit the island nation, while increasing funding for flying U.S. military C-130 aircraft over Castro's homeland while broadcasting pro-American and pro-democractic messages.

From the May 7, 2004 Washington Post:

Rep. Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.) is a leading proponent of congressional efforts to lift ever-tighter restrictions on travel to Cuba, a proposal that won majorities in the House and Senate last year. He said trying to use a C-130 to defeat Cuban jamming of U.S. government broadcasts is laudable but insufficient.

"If we're really serious about letting Cubans hear a voice other than Castro's, why not let Americans travel there?" Flake asked in a written statement. "After all, Castro can't scramble a firsthand conversation."

OK, we admit it: Cheney is right

From "Remarks by the Vice President to the 16th Annual National Fire and Emergency Services Dinner", Hilton Washington, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2004, 7:12 P.M. EDT:

"And I'm told Joe Allbaugh is in the audience tonight. Joe shouldn't be hard to spot. (Laughter.) He -- that's Joe."

Earlier, as part of this rare moment of kinship with Dick Cheney, we, too, had already ragged on this Allbaugh guy, but, again, he deserves it.

We rewrite, you decide, Vol. 3

From "Remarks by the Vice President to the 16th Annual National Fire and Emergency Services Dinner", Hilton Washington, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2004, 7:12 P.M. EDT:

"Tonight, we honor firefighters and emergency personnel in communities across America, who are the first line of defense against all hazards...As you meet your responsibilities, the federal government must do its part in providing the resources that our firefighters need. The past year brought many successes on Capitol Hill, thanks to the leadership of the Congressional Fire Services Caucus. These successes include robust funding for the Assistance to Firefighters Grant Program, which received nearly $750 million this fiscal year for direct grants to local fire departments and to support to fire safety programs. (Applause.) This funding is on top of the more than $8 billion that the Department of Homeland Security has allocated or awarded to state and local governments under a variety of domestic preparedness grant programs, many that directly bolster the capabilities of first responders including firefighters. In addition, Congress reauthorized the United States Fire Administration, passed the Firefighting Research and Coordination Act, to develop new safety standards, and passed the Hometown Heroes Survivors Benefit Act. And all of these measures were proudly signed into law by President George W. Bush. (Applause.)"

Earlier...from "Union delegates denounce government hypocrisy over September 11", 21 August 2002:

Delegates to the convention of the International Association of Fire Fighters (IAFF), representing more than 240,000 professional firefighters and emergency medical personnel in the US and Canada, voted August 14 for the union to boycott an upcoming appearance by President George W. Bush at a memorial honoring firefighters killed in the September 11 attacks. The president has been invited to address the October 6 annual ceremony of the National Fallen Fire Fighters Foundation in Washington DC, which will pay tribute to the 343 firefighters who lost their lives in the collapse of the World Trade Center in New York City, as well as more than 100 additional firefighters killed responding to other emergencies.

[...]

The unanimous vote by the 2,000 union officials at the IAFF’s annual convention in Las Vegas came the day after Bush announced his rejection of $5.1 billion of supplemental spending that included some $340 million for fire department funding. Congress had voted for $90 million for long-term monitoring of the health of rescue and recovery personnel at the World Trade Center site, where workers were exposed to intense toxic fumes and dust. It also voted for $100 million to improve emergency communications systems, whose failures were blamed for as many as 200 of the 343 deaths of firefighters on September 11, and $150 million for equipment and training for 18,000 fire departments nationwide.

And more recently...from "No permit for protest at GOP convention", MSNBC.com, April  29, 2004:

Separately, a coalition of unions representing police officers and firefighters has requested permits to demonstrate during the four-day convention, beginning Aug. 30. Union members claim they are underpaid compared to their counterparts in other cities and are underfunded for fighting terrorism — complaints they plan to voice when Republican come to town.

Please Kill Me Now: Campaign Quips 2004 (Ohio edition)

Finally, a solution to that most basic of Rove-ian electoral issues: how to make a connection with a completely vapid voting populace? Pick an asinine point and make it. Then, do it again. And again. And again. (God, those poor Secret Service agents. At least we now know those dark sunglasses function largely to shield the public from frequent bouts of eye-rolling.)

Ten points to whomever can correctly identify the recurring theme of the quotes sampled below:

Remarks by the President at Pancake Breakfast, Lucas County, Ohio Recreation Center, Maumee, Ohio, 9:30 A.M. EDT:

I'm sorry Laura is not here. Yes, I know. She was on the bus trip yesterday, but had to go back to Washington because, like me, she is -- she works for the country. She's got something to do. She's got a scheduling conflict. (Laughter.) But I tell you, she sends her love and her best. She is a fabulous First Lady. One of the main reasons -- (applause) -- one of the main reasons to put me back in there -- (laughter) -- is so that Laura has four more years as the First Lady. (Applause.)

Remarks by the President at "ask President Bush" Event, Hara Complex, Dayton, Ohio, 12:32 P.M. EDT:

The good news is, Laura W. Bush wants to serve for four more years, as well. (Applause.) I regret she's not here. I talked to her on the plane earlier this morning. She said to send her very best. She is a -- I'm a lucky guy. She's a great wife, a wonderful mother, and a fabulous First Lady of the United States. (Applause.)

Remarks by the President at the Golden Lamb Inn, Lebanon, Ohio, 2:43 P.M. EDT:

I regret that Laura is not here today. I know it. You drew the short straw. (Laughter.) You know, I really got lucky when she said, "yes." She is a fabulous wife, a great mother, and she's doing a wonderful job as the First Lady of this country. (Applause.) I think she deserves four more years. (Applause.)

Remarks by the President at Ohio Rally, Cincinnati Gardens Arena, Cincinnati, Ohio, 6:48 P.M. EDT:

I wish Laura were here to see this crowd. (Applause.) Listen, a good reason to put me back in there is so she will have four more years as the First Lady. (Applause.) She's a great First Lady. She's a fantastic wife and a great mom and a wonderful First Lady. I'm really proud of her. She sends her best. She sends all her best. She sends her best to all her friends here in Cincinnati.

SPECIAL BONUS ROUND, MICHIGAN EDITION:

Remarks by the President at Michigan Rally, Jerome-Duncan Theatre at Freedom Hall, Sterling Heights, Michigan, 8:44 P.M. EDT:

We've had a fabulous day today. It's been somewhat diminished by the fact that Laura had to go home early. No, I know, you drew the short straw. (Laughter.) There's a lot of reasons why I think I need to be reelected. But for certain, one of the most important reasons is to make sure that Laura is the First Lady for four more years. (Audience interruption, inaudible.)

Why is it that after seeing all the "(Laughter)" and "(Applause)" inclusions, I suspect "(Audience interruption, inaudible)" is code for "Get off the stage, you fucking hack?"

Number 2 at the Box Office? "Man on Fire"

From "The Torture Photos," the New York Times, May 5, 2004:

By now, the images of uniformed American men and women gleefully brutalizing prisoners in exactly the manner most horrific to Muslims has been seared into the minds of television viewers around the world.

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 19

We rewrite, you decide, Vol. 2

Regarding that whole "Mission Accomplished" fiasco of May 1, 2003, from "Bush speech anniversary draws scrutiny, commentary", CNN.com, April 30, 2004:

Bush defended the speech as he talked to reporters Friday during a Rose Garden appearance with Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin.

"A year ago, I did give the speech from the carrier saying that we had achieved an important objective, that we had accomplished a mission, which was the removal of Saddam Hussein," Bush said.

"And as a result, there are no longer torture chambers or rape rooms or mass graves in Iraq. As a result, a friend of terror has been removed and now sits in a jail.

Regarding the broadcast of photos of American soldiers and contractors torturing Iraqi prisoners, from "Bush expresses 'deep disgust' at prison photos", CNN.com, April 30, 2004:

In the face of international outrage, President Bush said Friday that he was disgusted by photographs that apparently show American soldiers abusing detainees at a prison outside Baghdad.

"I share a deep disgust that those prisoners were treated the way they were treated," Bush said. "Their treatment does not reflect the nature of the American people. That's not the way we do things in America."

[...]

"I didn't like it one bit," Bush added during an appearance in the White House Rose Garden with visiting Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin.

Not to belabor the completely blunt irony or anything, but both of the abovementioned remarks were made at the exact same appearance by the President this morning.

Fine, this just means 40 extra minutes of Jimmy Kimmel

In "Stations to Boycott 'Nightline's' List of the Fallen", the Washington Post is reporting that seven local ABC affiliates owned by the Sinclair Broadcast Group have chosen not to air tonight's episode of Ted Koppel's nightly newsmagazine, which will be comprised solely of the anchor reading the names and displaying the photos of the 737 American troops who have perished thus far in Iraq.

In a statement on their website, the Sinclair Broadcast Group explains the "boycott" decision thusly:

Despite the denials by a spokeswoman for the show, the action appears to be motivated by a political agenda designed to undermine the efforts of the United States in Iraq.

There is no organization that holds the members of our military and those soldiers who have sacrificed their lives in service of our country in higher regard than Sinclair Broadcast Group.

Likewise, there is no organization that holds the members of the free press and those journalists who have embedded themselves (and befriended subsequently-fallen troops in Iraq) in higher regard than we do here at low culture, so, in fitting tribute, we are hereby displaying the names and station ID's of those affiliates that have "fallen" in the war on fair and accurate reporting.

WSYX, Columbus, Ohio

WEAR, Pensacola, Florida

WLOS, Asheville, North Carolina

WXLV, Winston-Salem, North Carolina

WGGB, Springfield, Massachusetts

KDNL, St. Louis, Missouri

WCHS, Charleston, West Virginia

We rewrite, you decide

From "Bush Says He Answered All Questions From 9/11 Panel", the New York Times, April 29, 2004:

"Mr. Bush chuckled at the suggestion that he and Mr. Cheney had chosen to be interviewed together so they could prop each other up or prevent discrepancies in their answers. "If we had something to hide, we wouldn't have met with them in the first place," he said."

From Tim Russert's interview with Condoleezza Rice, NBC's "Meet the Press", March 14, 2004:

MR. RUSSERT: Will you testify under oath in public about September 11?

DR. RICE: Tim, this is not a matter of preference; this is a matter of principle. It has long been a legal and constitutional principle that assistants to the president, the presidential staff, do not testify before legislative bodies. But this is not a matter of preference. I have spent more than four hours with the commission going through the details about 9/11. I'm prepared to spend more time with the commission in discussion about whatever they'd like to know about September 11, but as a matter of principle, we cannot breach this wall between the legislature and the executive.

MR. RUSSERT: On September 11, there is a commission now in place which the administration originally resisted and also resisted extending the deadline. They now want to interview the president. He has said he'll only sit down with the chairman and co-chairman of the committee for one hour. Will the president meet with the full commission and will he do it for longer than an hour?

DR. RICE: The president, of course, is the president, and he does have a schedule to keep, but he has said that he will sit with the chairman and with the co-chairman and that he will answer whatever questions they have. And I'm quite certain he will take as long as they need to answer those questions.

MR. RUSSERT: Several hours, a day if they need?

DR. RICE: Well, I would hope that they would recognize that he's president and that people would be judicious in the use of his time.

MR. RUSSERT: John Kerry said, “The president has time to go to a rodeo but not spend time with the commission.”

DR. RICE: As I've said, Tim, I believe the president is prepared to spend whatever time they need to answer their questions, but I hope that people will be judicious with his time.

How to revive flagging interest? Redesign!

By way of Josh Marshall's Talking Points Memo, today's Washington Post features a story about the dishearteningly negative reception the "new and improved" national flag has been given by Iraqi citizens, who question why it was changed in the first place, and even if that were necessary, why the new design lost the traditional Arab-affiliated colors of red, green, and black.

Oh, and this last point apparently didn't help things much, either: Iraq's new flag is in many ways a dead ringer for Israel's flag.

According to the U.S.-appointed Governing Council, the new flag is the work of an Iraqi artist named Rifaat Chaderchi, and was selected from a pool of a whopping 30 entries.

Most aesthetes agree: worst product redesign since the old Brawny Man was reinvented as the new, de-gayed Brawny Man (who, incidentally, now looks suspiciously like an Israelite).

The old standby

In response to a foolishly hypocritical (and, of course, highly manipulative, and, therefore, effective) media campaign of Republican party attacks on presumptive Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry's record as a Vietnam War veteran, including Bush communications mastermind-cum-housewife-cum-communications mastermind Karen Hughes' nonsensical "did he or didn't he" questioning of Kerry's disposal of military "ribbons" or "medals" after returning home in 1971, the war veteran came out with his swift boat's fifty-caliber machine guns metaphorically blazing.

His weapon of choice? The declaration that "I'm not going to stand for it," which, unfortunately, Senator Kerry seems to stand for all too often when it comes to defending his Vietnam war record.

April, 2004:

"This is a controversy that the Republicans are pushing," Mr. Kerry said on "Good Morning America" on ABC. "The Republicans have spent $60 million in the last few weeks trying to attack me, and this comes from a president and a Republican Party that can't even answer whether or not he showed up for duty in the National Guard. I'm not going to stand for it."

February, 2004:

"If they're going to try to question my commitment to the defense of our country, then I'm going to fight back," Kerry said at a February campaign event. "Because they did that to Max Cleland ... and I'm not going to stand for it."

February, 2004:

"Defense of nation is exactly that. Yes, that's exactly what they did. They put Osama bin Laden's photograph up with Max Cleland Cleland and suggested he was weak--Max Cleland, weak--on the defense of our nation. Now here's a man who left three of his limbs on the battlefield in Vietnam. To have someone who, you know, has never served suggest that someone who has is weak on defense is simply unacceptable, and I'm not going to stand for it."

And in the interest of the "equal time rule," Bush, too, has been known to wield this same principled "stand" on occasion, including in his remarks on the creation of the Department of Homeland Security at the National Republican Senatorial Committee Annual Dinner.

September, 2002:

"Unfortunately, some senators -- not all senators, but some senators -- believe it is best to try to micromanage the process, believe the best way to secure the homeland is to have a thick book of regulations which will hamstring this administration and future administrations from dealing with an enemy that could care less about thick books of regulations. Unfortunately, some in the Senate -- not all in the Senate -- want to take away the power that all Presidents have had since Jimmy Carter. And I'm not going to stand for it."

Come on, guys, mix it up a bit.

"I will not tolerate that." Or, "I gaze upon these mistruths, and I see that which battles honesty, and I do declare myself to be decidedly antagonistic towards this selfsame deception, such that I verily seek to destroy, nay, annihilate said behavior." Or maybe just "I am so against this shit."

Karl Rove for the Day, Vol. 4

From the Associated Press, "Bush Touts Patriot Act, Raises GOP Funds", April 20, 2004:

President Bush speaks in support of the Patriot Act at Kleinhans Music Hall in Buffalo, N.Y., Tuesday, April 20, 2004. Listening to President Bush, from left to right, John Moslow, Chief of Police, Amherst, N.Y., Michael Battle, U.S. Attorney, Western, N.Y., Larry Thompson, former Deputy Attorney General, James McMahon, Director of Public Security, N.Y., Peter Ahearn, Special Agent in Charge, FBI, Buffalo, N.Y.

Escalation of the Unwilling

What a week, eh? It's not yet "Humpday," but in the past 48 hours, the Bush administration has had to endure three distinct diplomatic blows at the hands of international allies. The term "allies", of course, refers to nations that at one point agreed with the U.S. administration's ideology on issues of global relations – that is, until they realized they'd been manipulated, lied to, and disingenuously dealt with.

SPAIN: "Spain's new leader firm on Iraq"

Spain's new leader is standing firm in his pledge to pull Spanish troops out of Iraq, despite U.S. and British pressure...Last week, Zapatero rejected an appeal from U.S. President George W. Bush to stand by the U.S.-led coalition in Iraq.

HONDURAS: "Honduras to pull troops out of Iraq"

The US-led coalition in Iraq suffered its second defection in 24 hours yesterday when Honduran President Ricardo Maduro said he would withdraw his nation's 368 troops "as soon as possible".

JORDAN: "Jordan's King Delays Bush Meeting, Cites Mideast Stance"

Jordan's King Abdullah postponed a meeting with President Bush scheduled for tomorrow, citing concerns about Washington's position on the Middle East peace process, officials said yesterday.

Wait! Don't forget this extra-special bonus round of glum spirits and/or outright defections:

THAILAND: "Honduras to pull out troops, and Thais look shaky"

The Thai Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra, said of his troops: "If we get hurt or killed, I will not keep them there." The Thai Senate began a debate yesterday on a resolution calling for the troops to come home.

THE PHILIPPINES and SOUTH AMERICA: (also from "Honduras to pull troops out of Iraq", referenced above)

Philippines President Gloria Arroyo said she was "unlikely" to withdraw 100 soldiers and police officers stationed in Iraq. Mrs Arroyo, who faces a tight election on May 10, has been slammed by opposition politicians for the Iraq commitment.

"She loves President Bush more than her countrymen," Senate candidate Juan Ponce Enrile said.

[...]

The Honduran troops are attached to the Spanish regiment in Iraq, along with 374 Salvadoran and 302 Dominican troops who are due to go home in July. Nicaragua's 115 troops left Iraq in February and were not replaced.

These weak-willed foreign leaders, so clearly cowering in their boots, having been influenced by the Madrid terror attacks...Oh, wait, that was just Spain, and their voting population was already 90 percent against their nation's policy in Iraq before last month's presidential election, and that was before former President (and Bush ally) Jose Maria Aznar's administration lied to the public about Basque separatist responsibility for the terror attacks.

The American public, meanwhile, can rest assured that we must be getting the "correct" news, as opposed to all this discouraging foreign nonsense about dishonesty and deception, since a CNN/USA Today poll released Monday shows President Bush leading presumptive Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry by 51 percent to 46 percent in a survey of likely voters taken this past weekend.

Profiles in Coverage (Uppage)

"If I had prepared, my answer would be 'You are dead, young lady'"

During today's visit to Red China, Vice President Cheney spoke at Shanghai's Fudan University, using the opportunity to praise China's economic reforms that have enabled the monstrously large nation to be less "red" and more, well, "red" in their approach to free markets and capitalism.

Oh, there was also some stuff about the need to bring a genuine democratic movement over there, as well. As we've seen, spreading democracy, of course, is the central theme of the Bush 43 Administration, even though this leitmotif may not have effectively seeped into the mindset of those students handpicked to engage in the eventual question-and-answer session:

The students, asking polite and respectful questions, did not pick up on Cheney's theme of democracy, choosing instead to ask about economic and regional issues, such as the U.S. sales of arms of Taiwan, which China considers a renegade province.

To laughter, however, one student showed a keen understanding of inter-administration politics. "It is said you are the the most powerful vice president in U.S. history," she asked. "I ask, how do you play a role in the Bush administration?"

"That is not a question I had anticipated," Cheney said.

How to replace your lesbian daughter

"Yay! Souvenirs!"

...bring back a newly-adopted daughter from your trip to China!

Or per VH1's "Best Week Ever": Upgrade? Downgrade?

Bush's Iraqi Playbook/Playbill

From President Bush's televised press conference, April 13, 2004:

We're at war. Iraq is a part of the war on terror. It is not the war on terror; it is a theater in the war on terror. And it's essential we win this battle in the war on terror. By winning this battle, it will make other victories more certain in the war against the terrorists.

And for a rational, in-depth, and nuanced take on these theatrics, read Fareed Zakaria's piece in Newsweek, April 19, 2004:

The date, June 30, is less important than the entity to which power is transferred. If that new government is seen as an American puppet, then challenges to it will persist, and America will find itself propping up an unpopular local regime that is doomed to fail. And that dilemma reminds one not of the British in Iraq, but of the United States in Vietnam.

Murdoch Mashup Madness!

As with any good remix, this record comes with multiple tracks...

Trimming Bush
Cut and Paste Press Conference
Right Wing Slash Fiction

Insert pregnant pause for full dramatic contrast

ABOVE: Bush explains the need to invade Iraq in his 2003 SOTU address

From "An Iraqi intifada: Now the war is being fought in the open, by people defending their homes", by Naomi Klein for the Guardian, April 12, 2004:

But as the June 30 "hand-over" to Iraqi control approaches, Bremer now sees Sadr and the Mahdi as a threat that must be taken out - along with the communities that have grown to depend on them. Which is why stolen playgrounds were only the start of what I saw in Sadr City this week.

In al-Thawra hospital, I met Raad Daier, a 36-year-old ambulance driver with a bullet in his lower abdomen, one of 12 shots fired at his ambulance from a US Humvee. According to hospital officials, at the time of the attack, he was carrying six people injured by US forces, including a pregnant woman who had been shot in the stomach and lost her child.

Ten days earlier...

ABOVE: Bush signs Laci's Law into effect

From "Bush Signs 'Laci and Conner's Law'", FOXnews.com, April 02, 2004:

WASHINGTON — President Bush on Thursday signed into law a bill that would make it a separate crime to kill or harm an unborn child during an assault on the mother.

"As of today, the law of our nation will acknowledge the plain fact that crimes of violence against a pregnant woman often have two victims," Bush said before the signing of the measure.

"The death of an innocent unborn child has too often been treated as a detail in one crime but not a crime in itself," the president said.

Tomorrow's Corrections Today, vol. 2

Slated to appear on the New York Times' Corrections page, April 13, 2004:

Because of an editing error, a portion of former Vermont governor and Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean's op-ed (For Ralph Nader, but Not for President, April 12, 2004) was printed incorrectly. The article stated: "Everyone expects this year's presidential election to be decided by razor-thin margins in a few battleground states. Everyone also expects the candidacy of Ralph Nader to make the race between John Kerry and George Bush even closer. As I know from experience, however, voters have a way of proving everyone wrong."

The last sentence, in its completed form, should have read in full, "As I know from experience, chickenshit voters have a way of trouncing on your dreams, spitting on your convictions, stabbing you in the back, pussying up with your peers who have stolen your message, and kicking you in the balls because they're cowards, and dullards, and good for nothing. They can all go to fucking hell for all I care." The Times regrets the error.

Gravitas (or lack thereof)

This is why they put Cheney on the ticket, right? Anyway...

Lines spoken by George W. Bush during which he smiled, grinned, or laughed (I've exempted instances of "chuckling" and "guffawing" out of ideological fairness):

April 12, 2004, defending the contents of his August 2001 PDB:

"Had I known there was going to be an attack on America, I would have moved mountains to stop the attack. And had there been actionable intelligence, we would have moved on it."

October 11, 2000, discussing his lack of support for a Texas hate crimes bill, during the second Presidential debate:

GOV. BUSH: No -- well what the vice president must not understand is we've got hate Crimes bill in Texas. And secondly, the people that murdered Mr. Byrd got the ultimate punishment:

MR. LEHRER: But they were --

GOV. BUSH: -- the death penalty.

MR. LEHRER: They were prosecuted under the murder laws, were they not?

GOV. BUSH: Well --

MR. LEHRER: In Texas

GOV. BUSH: -- all -- in this case, when you murder somebody, it's hate, Jim. The crime is hate. And they got the ultimate punishment. I'm not exactly sure you enhance the penalty any more than the death penalty.

Wow, George, that's some funny shit. Try and save some material for the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association Dinner next year!

There is going to be a "next year," right?

Creatively Ideological Ellipsing

From the recently-declassified PDB (president's daily briefing) of August 6, 2001, which was received (and, presumably, read) by President Bush while vacationing on his ranch in Crawford, Texas:

Ellipses (or "dot dot dots" for all you non-grammar geeks) indicate either a) material omitted due to extant classified status, or b) material omitted to make this memo look way more deceptively damning than it already is in its original form (which, admittedly, is pretty portentous in and of itself, but still...).

"[G]overnment...reports indicate bin Laden...was planning...a terrorist strike in the U.S. ...and...maintains a support structure...in California...and...New York...for attacks.

...We have...been able to corroborate...reporting...that bin Laden wanted to hijack a U.S. aircraft...for...attacks...of...buildings in New York....[A] group of bin Laden supporters was in the U.S. planning attacks...

[E]xplosive."

Perhaps the ark of the covenant can reveal his undisclosed location?

(Not) Separated at Birth

With all due respect to former Senator Bob Kerrey.

KERREY: Dr. Clarke, in the spirit of further declassification...

RICE: Sir, with all...

KERREY: The spirit...

RICE: I don't think I look like Dick Clarke, but...

(LAUGHTER)

KERREY: Dr. Rice, excuse me.

RICE: Thank you.

Identify Bush's Republican Party supporters

ANSWER: The top photo, only because the little brown folks in the bottom photo with Dubya aren't old enough to vote!

(Thanks to Matt at 1115.org for the "compassionate" photo link)

One pitches, the other catches (no flack)

This is surreal...even more surreal than former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer's ability to deliver press conferences from Bizarroland in which reporters' questions were asked, only to be deftly deflected by irrelevant non-answers. Flipping the tables a bit, and following the lead of his boss, Vice President Dick Cheney, after throwing out the opening pitch for the Chicago Cubs-Cincinnati Reds game, spent a few minutes on Monday being interviewed from the radio booth by sports announcers Marty Brennaman and Joe Nuxhall – while the game was in progress – resulting in perhaps the most bizarrely irrelevant back-and-forth to be made available on the White House's press transcript page since, well, ever.

Cheney on life at the White House:

Q: Is this a welcome break for you?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: It really is. I've got to go on tonight. I was in the White House this morning with the President. I've got a speech in New Orleans tonight, and I'll be back in the White House tomorrow. But, sure, to get a few hours out here at the ball park, it doesn't get much better than this.

Q: Kerry Wood at the plate, and a diving jab at the ball and knocked down by Castro. If he doesn't touch it, Larkin fields it, a run scores and it's a 5 to 2 ball game. So if Castro doesn't touch the ball, Larkin is right there. But he doesn't know that.

Cheney on current events, uncluding, presumably, the election and the situation in Iraq:

Q: A ball and a strike to Grudzielanek, and the stretch and the pitch: breaking ball drops in for a called strike, and a 1-2 count to Mark Grudzielanek. He is one for two this afternoon, has scored a run.

Q: Busy year for you folks, huh?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Looks that way.

Q: It sure does. (Laughter.)

THE VICE PRESIDENT: A lot of work going on, a lot of stuff happening around the world, and then, of course, the campaign on top of that.

Cheney on his campaign itinerary:

Q: So now you're in New Orleans tonight?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: In New Orleans tonight, and there's a Senate race down there next year, or this -- come November. And as I say, I'll be back in Washington late tonight, and then be in the office tomorrow. I'm out on the road usually a couple days a week. And then on Friday, I take off for Asia for a week.

Q: Lidle delivers, and Patterson a swing and a miss. And it's a 1-2 count to Corey Patterson.

Cheney on the economy:

Q: Are you pleased with the way things look as far as the economy is concerned?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: I am. I think all the signs are headed in the right direction.

Q: One-two pitch, swung on and missed. And Lidle picks up his second strike-out.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: And, of course, the employment numbers are looking good. We got those out last week. We've got some 400,000 jobs created here in the last couple of months, since the 1st of the year. So everything is, I think, moving in the right direction.

(via Al Kamen's article in the April 7, 2004 Washington Post)

Playing catch with items lobbed in your direction

Regarding events of April 5, 2004, by way of the St. Francois County Daily Journal in Missouri:

ST. LOUIS (AP) - President Bush is getting the hang of throwing out first pitches. He tossed one in from the mound at Busch Stadium Monday, ceremonially opening the 2004 Major League Baseball season, and the catcher hardly had to move his mitt.

Bush said, in advance, "My wing isn't what it used to be."

But when he reared back and threw, the pitch was right in there. He also had said he planned to throw a "hopping fastball" to open the Brewers-Cardinals game, but it looked more like an off-speed pitch. The Cardinals' Mike Matheny caught it easily.

"It just goes to show you a guy can get lucky occasionally," Bush said afterward.

Regarding events of April 5, 2004, by way of the Washington Post:

In Baghdad's Kadhimiya district, meanwhile, three members of the Army's 1st Armored Division died in combat Monday and Tuesday.

One died from wounds received Tuesday when a rocket-propelled grenade hit his Bradley Fighting Vehicle. Another was killed Monday when his convoy was attacked with small arms and rocket-propelled grenade fire. The third died later in the day Monday during a firefight, the military announced Tuesday.

Paul "Bang-Bang" Bremer clears up some discrepancies

From the New York Times, "7 G.I.'s Killed in Iraq Fights Since Weekend, U.S. Says," April 6, 2004:

Mr. Bremer, in an interview on CNN today, vowed to arrest Mr. Sadr.

"He believes that in the new Iraq, like in the old Iraq, power should be with the guy who's got the guns, and that's an unacceptable vision for Iraq," he said.

Time to testify? Time for the fluff pieces

OK, it's happened before when, during the buildup to the invasion of Iraq, Newsweek ran a puff piece on Condi Rice in its December 16, 2002 issue, under the headline "'The Real Condi Rice' The Most Powerful Woman In Washington Is Black, Brainy and Bush's Secret Weapon." That cover story, however, had at least a semblance of dignified and topical news content, unlike Maki Becker's "20 things about Condie: You probably didn't know this about Condoleeza Rice" in the April 4, 2004 New York Daily News.

Selected lowlights:

1. She's a fitness buff who likes to unwind by working out to music by heavy-metal legends Led Zeppelin, according to People magazine. She wakes up at 5 a.m. and hits the treadmill right away.

4. She loves to shop. "On a Sunday, don't be surprised if you see me at one of the malls in Washington, D.C.," she once told Glamour magazine.

7. While in high school, she was a competitive ice skater (l.).

13. She's a huge football fan and loves the Cleveland Browns. She's said her "dream job" would be NFL commissioner.

17. In February 2001, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon told reporters he was distracted the first time he met her. "I have to confess, it was hard for me to concentrate in the conversation with Condoleezza Rice because she has such nice legs."

Oh, and Maki? If you're going to christen the devil in shorthand like that, it's Condi and not fucking Condie. At least, that's how she signed my holiday greeting card.

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 18

We're sorry, chump, but "arable land" < "oil" and "Middle Eastern outpost"

From Reuters, "Rwanda's Kagame Scolds Outside World Over Genocide", April 4, 2004:

Rwandan President Paul Kagame accused the outside world of deliberately failing to prevent genocide on Sunday, opening a week to mark the tenth anniversary of the killing of some 800,000 fellow countrymen.

The United Nations, the United States and European countries have all faced criticism for failing to intervene during the three-month genocide in Rwanda, which ended in July 1994 when Kagame seized the capital at the head of a rebel army.

"We should always bear in mind that genocide, wherever it happens, represents the international community's failure, which I would in fact characterise as deliberate, as convenient failure," Kagame told the start of a genocide conference.

"How could a million lives of the Rwandan people be regarded as so insignificant by anyone in terms of strategic or national interest?" he told the meeting at a hotel used 10 years ago as a base by military planners directing the massacres.

RELATED:
Worldbank Data for Rwanda
CIA Factbook, Rwanda (Natural resources: gold, cassiterite (tin ore), wolframite (tungsten ore), methane, hydropower, arable land)
Official Website of the Government of Rwanda (www.rwanda1.com...at what point did nations start having to adopt the equivalent of AOL usernames for their WWW domains?)

And the hosannas, where are they?

From CNN.com, "Four U.S. civilians killed in Iraq: Residents hang bodies from bridge", Wednesday, March 31, 2004:

BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) -- Suspected insurgents killed four American civilian contractors in a grenade attack Wednesday in central Iraq, U.S. officials said.

Cheering residents in Fallujah pulled charred bodies from burning vehicles and hung them from a Euphrates River bridge.

Crowds gathered around the vehicles and dragged at least one of the bodies through the streets, witnesses said.

Residents pulled another body from one of the cars and beat it with sticks.

From CNN.com, Crossfire transcript, November 4, 2003:

JACOBUS: You just seem to want to forget what he said in the very beginning when we went into this war, when we went into Iraq. He didn't say that this would be easy and pretty and have smooth edges.

CARVILLE: We found all those nuclear bombs over there, did we?

JACOBUS: So what he told us, James, was that this was going to be hard.

CARVILLE: He did?

JACOBUS: This was going to be drawn out. This was going to be painful. They were very up front with us, and I think most of the American people understand that war is not going to be pretty. I think they're...

CARVILLE: Dick Cheney said we'd be greeted with roses. And Paul Wolfowitz said we'd pay for the reconstruction with oil revenues of $100-200 billion a year. They were dissembling the truth.

JACOBUS: The polls in Iraq show that the people of Iraq are behind us. They don't think this is going to be easy. It's only people on your side that want this...

CARVILLE: Wolfowitz said it would be a bed of roses.

From "Live From Iraq, an Un-Embedded Journalist", Robert Fisk, March 25, 2003:

Perle, Wolfowitz, and these other people—people who have never been to war, never served their country, never put on a uniform- nor, indeed, has Mr. Bush ever served his country- they persuaded themselves of this Hollywood scenario of GIs driving through the streets of Iraqi cities being showered with roses by a relieved populace who desperately want this offer of democracy that Mr. Bush has put on offer-as reality. And the truth of the matter is that Iraq has a very, very strong political tradition of strong anti-colonial struggle. It doesn’t matter whether that’s carried out under the guise of kings or under the guise of the Arab Socialist Ba’ath party, or under the guise of a total dictator. There are many people in this country who would love to get rid of Saddam Hussein, I’m sure, but they don’t want to live under American occupation.

Karl Rove for the Day, Vol. 3

(Click the image above to see the original undoctored photo, and/or click here. Or you can read more about these heinous backdrops by Dan Bartlett and Scott Sforsza here.)

Tastes Great! Less Filling!

From "Mass. Gay Marriage Ban Passes Hurdle" by Jennifer Peter (Associated Press), March 30, 2004:

BOSTON (AP) -- Legislators approved a constitutional amendment Monday that would ban gay marriages while legalizing civil unions. If passed during the next two-year Legislative session, the measure would go before voters in November 2006.

[...]

The constitutional convention took place in front of thousands of citizens, who crowded the Statehouse each day to watch from the gallery and protest in the hallways.

After each intonation of "Jesus" by gay rights opponents inside the building Monday, gay rights advocates tacked on "loves us." The two opposing sides then shouted "Jesus Christ!" and "equal rights!" simultaneously, blending into a single, indistinguishable chant.

Oh, and for what it's worth, this tastes awful, and leaves me feeling rather empty inside.

R.O.V.E.: Rolling Over Valued Entitlements

You know how it sounds so much more palatable to go scuba diving than to, say, strap on a "Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus?" In that same vein, legislators on the Hill caught on to this a few years ago, and began packaging their now-commonplace rollback of civil rights in grandiose acronyms.

This began most notably with Congress' October 26, 2001 passage of the USA PATRIOT Act, an acronym for "Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism." USA PATRIOT sounds far better than the proposed alternative, KAFKA, or the "Keeping Americans From being Killed by Airplanes" Act.

Following on the heels of their success with that bill, the Bush administration and likeminded legislators brought forth Operation TIPS, or "Terrorism Information and Prevention System," which would have enlisted the help of postal workers, meter readers, truck drivers, and other workers in the public sphere in an elaborate effort to look out for "suspicious" activity. Again, better than the alternative, SPY, or "Subtly Prying Youths," which would have brought America's toddlers on board in the campaign to root out terrorist educators. This iteration of the bill never made it out of the House judiciary committee, of course.

And now the acronym brigade is at it again, according to Wired News. In the wake of Johnny Depp's Oscar nomination, and their subsequent downloading of that relevant film, Americans are bracing for PIRATE fever:

[O]n Thursday, Sens. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) and Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) introduced a bill that would allow the Justice Department to pursue civil cases against file sharers, again making it easier for law enforcement to punish people trading copyright music over peer-to-peer networks. They dubbed the bill "Protecting Intellectual Rights Against Theft and Expropriation Act of 2004," or the PIRATE Act.

The bills come at a time when the music and movie industries are exerting enormous pressure on all branches of government at the federal and state levels to crack down on P2P content piracy. The industries also are pushing to portray P2P networks as dens of terrorists, child pornographers and criminals -- a strategy that would make it more palatable for politicians to pass laws against products that are very popular with their constituents.

Meanwhile, civil libertarians across the nation are eagerly awaiting this fall's ELECTION, or "Eliminating Leaders Elected to Congress To Impugn Our Nation".

Compare and Contrast (lots of Bombast)

From the White House's "Iraq Fact of the Day" propaganda (a.k.a. "press release") series, March 22, 2004 (by way of Ward Harkavy's Bush Beat at the Village Voice):

Free Press in Iraq

Free press is flourishing in Iraq and providing the Iraqi people with access to a variety of news sources. More than 646 journalists have credentials for the new international press center in Baghdad. Many of the journalists write for more than 200 Iraqi newspapers now in circulation across the country. This burgeoning free press is encouraging debate and democracy in Iraq.

Source: Coalition Provisional Authority, Baghdad

From the New York Times' Jeffrey Gettleman, March 29, 2004:

G.I.'s Padlock Baghdad Paper Accused of Lies

BAGHDAD, Iraq, March 28 — American soldiers shut down a popular Baghdad newspaper on Sunday and tightened chains across the doors after the occupation authorities accused it of printing lies that incited violence.

[...]

The letter ordering the paper closed, signed by L. Paul Bremer III, the top administrator in Iraq, cited what the American authorities called several examples of false reports in Al Hawza, including a February dispatch that said the cause of an explosion that killed more than 50 Iraqi police recruits was not a car bomb, as occupation officials had said, but an American missile.

Many newspapers and television stations have sprouted in Iraq since the fall of the Hussein government. But under a law passed by the occupying authorities in June, a news media organization must be licensed, and that license can be revoked if the organization publishes or broadcasts material that incites violence or civil disorder or "advocates alterations to Iraq's borders by violent means."

But the letter outlining the reasons for taking action against Al Hawza did not cite any material that directly advocated violence. Several Iraqi journalists said that meant there was no basis to shut Al Hawza down.

METAPHYSICAL NOTE TO SELF: I'm beginning to wonder if it's not a better idea to go the Dennis Miller route and start defending the Bush administration, because criticizing it has started to become far too easy. You know, try and have a go at something challenging for once.

Bush et al., valiant defenders of liberty

From "Rice Defends Refusal To Testify" by Dana Milbank and Walter Pincus, in the March 29, 2004, edition of the Washington Post:

Rice gave no ground on the administration's decision that she will not appear in public before the panel or testify under oath because Bush officials believe doing so would compromise the constitutional powers of the executive branch. The renewed refusal came despite the panel's unanimous plea for her testimony.

Republican commissioner John F. Lehman, who has written extensively on separation-of-power issues, said that "the White House is making a huge mistake" by blocking Rice's testimony and decried it as "a legalistic approach."

"The White House is being run by a kind of strict construction of interpretation of the powers of the president," he said on ABC's "This Week." "There are plenty of precedents that the White House could use if they wanted to do this."

[...]

Rice said she has "absolutely nothing to hide" and "would really like" to testify but will not because of the constitutional principle.

Gee, guys, this whole "Constitution" document sure comes in handy when you need it most, huh? That is, when you're not too busy covering your ears to cries of "Hypocrisy!" and otherwise obliterating the fucking thing, like you've been doing for the past two-and-a-half years.

RELATED (and very much worth reading): Josh Marshall at Talking Points Memo discusses the issue of Constitutional precedent here and here.

Under-reported Factoid of the Week

Worth mulling over as the Bremer, I mean, Bush administration's self-imposed Iraqi sovereignty deadline of June 30th approaches:

From Dexter Filkins' profile of Iraqi exile (and purveyor of bad WMD-related intelligence) Ahmad Chalabi in the March 26, 2004 New York Times:

"In a nationwide poll conducted by ABC News and the BBC, 10 percent of Iraqis listed Mr. Chalabi as someone they 'don't trust at all,' a higher percentage than any other Iraqi leader. According to the poll, conducted from Feb. 9 to 28, 3 percent said they did not trust Saddam Hussein. In the poll, 2,737 randomly selected Iraqis age 15 and up were interviewed. The results have a two percentage point margin of error."

(emphasis mine, with thanks to Danny)

Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 17

Yes, it's redundant, but it's all a part of our new "Unintentionally Hilarious" sub-category: "George Tenet Facial Tics that Surface While Testifying."

Colin Headroom Tes-Tes-Testifies

(Click above to see the New York Times' original photo of Sec. Powell testifying before the 9/11 commission on March 23, 2004)

"We wanted to moo-moo-move beyond the rollback policy of c-c-containment, criminal prosecu-cu-cu-cution and limited retaliation for specific terrorist attacks. We wanted to de-de-de-destroy Al Qaeda." – COLIN L. POWELL, Secretary of State, Network 23

Richard Clarke, Democratic Party operative

OK, the big guns are out, and the Bush Administration is in damage-control mode regarding former NSC advisor Richard Clarke's charges that Bush was doing a "terrible job" in the war on terrorism, and that the pursuit of Saddam Hussein had been a misguided scapegoat since September 12, 2001.

We'd refer to these charges as "explosive," but, come on now, realistically, these things tend to have a short lifespan, right? By next week, we'll almost certainly be talking about yet another "disgruntled former employee" to spring forth from the loins of the fruitfully dishonest Bush Administration.

From Dana Milbank and Mike Allen in the Washington Post, March 23, 2004:

Half a dozen top White House officials, departing from their policy of ignoring such criticism, took to the airwaves to denounce Clarke as a disgruntled former colleague and a Democratic partisan. Vice President Cheney, on Rush Limbaugh's radio show, said the counterterrorism coordinator "wasn't in the loop, frankly, on a lot of this stuff." Cheney suggested Clarke did not do enough to prevent three attacks during the Clinton administration and said "he may have a grudge to bear there since he probably wanted a more prominent position."

[...]

In addition to Cheney's radio appearance, Rice was a guest on all five network morning shows, and by 11 a.m. the White House had booked more than 15 interviews on cable news channels, as well as numerous talk-radio appearances, over the next nine hours. White House press secretary Scott McClellan spent much of both of his briefings yesterday arguing that Clarke's book was politically motivated and timed. "This is Dick Clarke's 'American grandstand,'" McClellan said.

Wow, Scott McClellan sure is hilarious! What's next, Dick Clarke's American Top 40 Lies and Distortions of the Bush Administration? Dick Clarke's Guide to Aging Gracefully through 30 Years of Federal Employment?

Regardless, here are some of Richard Clarke's career highlights. Be sure to take note of his obvious and transparent role as a lifelong Democratic party operative during his employment in both the Reagan and Bush 41 administrations.

• Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Intelligence, or the second-highest ranking intelligence officer in Reagan's administration

• Assistant Secretary of State for Politico-Military Affairs. "In that capacity, he coordinated State Department support of Desert Storm and led efforts to create a post-war security architecture. Clarke was appointed to the National Security Council staff in 1992." This was during the elder Bush's administration.

• National Coordinator for Security, Infrastructure Protection, and Counter-terrorism, 1998, Clinton administration

• held the above position until being "demoted" to Special Adviser for Cyberspace Security within the National Security Council, current Bush administration

Or, as the BBC puts it quite succinctly, "Four successive US presidents have picked Richard Clarke to defend the country against terrorists."

That's one Democrat and three Republicans, mind you. That sick, partisan son of a bitch.

Karl Rove for the Day, Vol. 2

(Again, click on the photo to see Rove and Bartlett's original masterpiece.)

From Saturday's Globe and Mail (Candada):

The red-hot housing market — here and across the United States — has sparked fears of an emerging asset bubble, fuelled by the lowest interest rates since 1958, when Elvis Presley joined the U.S. Army and Nikita Khrushchev became leader of the Soviet Union.

Welcome to the topsy-turvy economy that Alan Greenspan and his U.S. Federal Reserve Board colleagues sat down to ponder on Tuesday. While low interest rates have people like Mr. Guimmule dreaming about home ownership and investors cheering their resurgent stock portfolios, large swaths of the economy remain stalled.

Employment growth is anemic in the wake of a 2001 recession that zapped 2.3 million jobs. Manufacturers have cut employment for 43 consecutive months.

Karl Rove for the Day, Vol. 1

(Yes, this has been altered. Click on photo to see the original.)

From Jonathan Alter's piece for Newsweek re: the soon-to-be-forgotten Medicare deception fiasco of last week:

But the most shocking deception took place in the run-up to the signing of the Medicare prescription-drug benefit on Christmas Eve...Recall how that bill squeaked through Congress only after some heads were cracked. A retiring Republican from Michigan, Rep. Nick Smith, even charges that supporters of the bill offered him a bribe in the form of financial support for the political campaign of his son. The bill was priced at the time at $400 billion over 10 years. After the deed was done (the specifics of which amounted to a huge giveaway to the pharmaceutical and health-care industries), it came out that the real cost will be at least $551.5 billion—a difference of $150-plus billion that will translate into trillions over time. Now we learn that the Bush administration knew the truth beforehand and squelched it. Rick Foster, the chief actuary for Medicare, says he was told he would be fired if he passed along the higher estimates to Congress. "I'll fire him so fast his head will spin," Thomas Scully, then head of Medicare, said last June, according to an aide who has now gone public.

Smile for campaign contributions; look solemn for the historical record

Above, President Bush with an average American fan at a fundraiser last week. Below, Bush with his personal photographer, Eric Draper.