We’re Just Like Us

As part of our continuing coverage of this year’s exciting race for the White House, we asked noted “celebrity body language expert” Patti Wood to provide her unique brand of insight on the “hidden” feelings of politicians as indicated by their physical gestures and maneuvers, but she declined, claiming to be too busy working on an in-depth body language piece for Us Weekly on the recent split between Spiderman 2‘s Kirsten Dunst and yesterday’s it-boy Jake Gyllenhaal.
Ms. Wood’s less-successful sister, Cathy, agreed to step in and help us analyze and assess the inner workings of this year’s political love lives and goings-on, explaining that she had learned a lot about this process from her older sister. (She did, however, express some dismay about not being able to studiously examine photos of “that total hottie, Jake. I want to touch him.”)
Continued after the jump.

“With his hand in the air like that, the President shows he’s a decisive leader,” says Wood. “Laura’s hand, however, seems to be lingering near her husband’s nether regions. Is she looking for something that’s just not there?”

“The President’s daughter Jenna, though she’s gazing off in the horizon, shows she loves her father immensely. She’s almost reaching for his hand, as though to say, ‘Daddy, I love you, and I’ll always be here for you,'” says Wood. “Barbara, though, is walking at a distance, glaring at them somewhat resentfully. She hates her father, and loathes her sister even more. ‘You’re perfect for each other, assholes,’ she seems to be thinking.”

Sen. John Kerry and his wife Teresa take the field at Boston’s Fenway Park to throw the first pitch at a Red Sox game. According to Wood, “She doesn’t want to be dragged out into the limelight like this. She’s a private woman, and wishes she could just stay in the dugout and talk with the Red Sox manager. Additionally, there’s a small boy in the third row who, judging from his posture, seems to hate Sen. Kerry.”

“Teresa can’t even bear to stand next to her husband,” notes Wood. “In fact, she seeks an additional buffer in the form of Sen. Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth. ‘I hate men, and my husband even more,’ she seems to be saying as she ponders leaping from the staircase to the ground below.”

“Teresa’s pulling her hair away from her face nervously, betraying her innermost terrors and regrets. ‘What have I gotten myself into? What happened to that Senator from Pennsylvania with whom I fell in love so long ago? Why did he have to die?'”

Senators Kerry and Edwards together at an event with Sen. Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth. Notes Wood, “It looks like Teresa finally wised up and ditched this joint. Her husband’s using his hands to illustrate a responsible system of deficit reduction, while Sen. Edwards lasciviously tries to sneak a quickie with Elizabeth. She’s whispering into his ear, telling him how much she loves him as she moves her hand lower towards his pelvis. I would guess that’s some sort of sexual foreplay for these two.”

Sen. Edwards walks with his wife, son, and two daughters. Wood puts forth, “When you make out like that, you end up making babies. And when one of your kids is significantly older, like the daughter to the far right, it’s the perfect babysitting setup, which leads to more romantic nights out, which leads to more baby-making. Babiesbabiesbabies!”

Here, the Vice President and his wife, Lynne, joyously clutch their young grandchild, the newborn daughter of their one heterosexual daughter, Elizabeth Cheney. “With the introduction of a new member of the family like this, Lynne is rejoicing, as the pitter-patter of little feet running throughout the house during the holiday period will certainly help fill the void of their loveless, sexless marriage.”

“This poor woman. ‘You ruthless bastard, why can’t you fuck me anymore?'”