Month: August 2004

In CNN.com’s reporting that “Cheney blasts Kerry over ‘sensitive war’ remark“, the story opens with the following lead (emphasis ours):

Drawing derisive chuckles from the crowd, Vice President Dick Cheney Thursday blasted Sen. John Kerry for a remark the Democratic presidential candidate made last week about fighting a “more sensitive war on terror” if elected.

The White House’s official transcript of the event, however, hardly makes mention of the ‘derision’ expressed in the audience’s laughter, which is instead more succinctly conveyed as follows:

Senator Kerry has also said that if he were in charge he would fight a “more sensitive” war on terror. (Laughter.)

“Laughter”? What the fuck is that? Boring — and not derisive enough — is what it is. And if there’s one thing that drives this devoted newsreader crazy, it’s the posting of an incomplete and inaccurate transcript on the White House’s website. With that in mind, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to provide you with the complete and unedited script of events as they ensued at the Dayton Convention Center during the Vice President’s controversial speech.
[Heavily, heavily revised take on] VP’s Remarks in Dayton, Ohio, Dayton Convention Center, August 12, 2004:
Senator Kerry has also said that if he were in charge he would fight a “more sensitive” war on terror. (The gathering of large white men starts snickering, a delicate trickle at first, until three men in the back of the room begin to guffaw, which in turn leads to the audience’s eruption into a hooting, snorting catcall of scornful, disapproving laughter directed at that fucking pansy Senator Kerry. Can he be any more of a faggot?) America has been in too many wars for any of our wishes, but not a one of them was won by being sensitive. (A man in a navy-blue business suit yells out, “You’re damn right!” and nearby members of the audience stand up to give him high-fives.) President Lincoln and General Grant did not wage sensitive warfare — nor did President Roosevelt, nor Generals Eisenhower and MacArthur. (“Those were real presidents…they kicked the terrorists asses!” barks out an overweight and undereducated woman. The entire audience laughs merrily, because they know that George Bush is a real man, and a real president, and wouldn’t be caught having gay sex like that swishy Senator from Massachusetts.) A “sensitive war” will not destroy the evil men who killed 3,000 Americans and who seek the chemical, nuclear and biological weapons to kill hundreds of thousands more. The men who beheaded Daniel Pearl and Paul Johnson will not be impressed by our sensitivity. (“I’m heading down to Bath & Body Works to torch that fucking place! Who’s with me?” queries a furious, bespectacled man.) As our opponents see it, the problem isn’t the thugs and murderers that we face, but our attitude. Well, the American people know better. (“You tell those Democrats, Mr. Vice President, sir! I may not know how to read, but the USA is number one in my book!” intones a middle-aged man waving a copy of the Wall Street Journal in the air.) They know that we are in a fight to preserve our freedom and our way of life, and that we are on the side of rights and justice in this battle. Those who threaten us and kill innocents around the world do not need to be treated more sensitively. (“Let’s go beat our bitch wives!” cries out a cadre of supporters in the middle of the crowd, and the audience collectively hollers back approvingly. Someone else adds, “And our mistresses too!”) They need to be destroyed. (Applause, followed by a bearded man yelling out, “I’m going to go attack some black homosexuals!”)

The new and improved Woolworth’s sit-in lunch counter
In today’s New York Times, writer Shaila K. Dewan examines a newfound impetus among white southerners to begrudgingly reflect on their communities’ roles in the civil rights movement which occurred many decades earlier. Is this due to a changing of the guard? An effort by younger generations to atone for the sins of their parents? Nah, come on, you’re entertaining some pretty feeble guesses there…the correct incentive is, of course, greed.

It has not been easy for communities to embrace a past laced with shame and violence. “Tourism has been forced on these places,” said Jim Carrier, a writer from Montgomery, Ala., whose “Traveler’s Guide to the Civil Rights Movement” was published by Harcourt in January. “It’s not like they put out a sign one day and said, ‘Come on down and see our civil rights history.’ It’s in response to people coming down here, lugging big history books, looking for these places.”
The lure of tourism money has helped overcome the shame.

As a result, a handful of various groups in these areas have been putting forth initiatives for museums, monuments, and such that pay tribute to the era’s struggles and, oftentimes, to specific landmarks that played a prominent role in the movement, such as the bus stop where Rosa Parks famously held her ground.
Museum gift shops bring in a good business, of course, so we’re not knocking their ambitions in that regard, but think of the piles upon piles of cash that could be brought in by a goddamned Six Flags Civil Rights Memorial Park!
Included in this hypothetical RFP for a Six Flags-themed entertainment and water park spectacular:
Special “sit-in”-themed lunch counters, where you can dine on the finest in period-correct malts, shakes, and fries, so long as you drink from the properly-labeled “Colored Only” fountains
I Have a Dreamland, modeled after Disney’s giant EPCOT globe, wherein visitors are taken on a guided tour of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King’s notable exploits, culminating in a thrilling assassination outside a mock hotel
Ride the ‘Back of the Bus’-coaster, the wild up and down ride to freedom! And remember, they say with roller coasters, the biggest thrills are always in the back!
Experience the exploits of actual walking and talking Animatronic White Racists…for the first time ever, you, too, can feel what it’s like to be called a n*gger, or to have this term impolitely muttered under robotic breaths as you enter or leave the room
Oh, and don’t forget the water park:
Enjoy our climate controlled wave pool for the Brown vs. the Surf Board Experience!
And don’t forget to leave before getting your very own Fire Hose Blast! What a thrill!