From Reuters, “Shrek Finds More Beauty in Being Ugly in ‘Shrek 2′”:
“Shrek 2” zeros in on a cultural obsession with image, and there’s no better place to do that than in Hollywood.
From The Sun, “Diaz Sends for Zit Squad”:
Beauty Cameron Diaz sent an SOS after bursting out in zits before the Cannes premiere of Shrek 2.
(Click here to see Time‘s actual cover for this week’s issue.)
We live in a world full of sneaky journalists and duplicitous editors who hide the subtexts just below the, um… well, the text. How is a reader supposed to understand what an article is actually about if everything is all coded and coy?
That’s where The low culture Subtext Finder comes in! Using our patented formula, we unearth a given article’s subtext and bring it to you, the reader. Today’s sample: A Mobile Link for 90 Mutual Friends from The New York Times‘ Circuits section. Using our formula, this article would be renamed Cool New Tool to Get You Laid. Now, read the new article with the subtext in the text (and in bold):
Gone are the nights when Brian Battjer left barhopping in New York to chance.
He took control of his social fate when he signed up for Dodgeball.com, a free social-networking service that is becoming popular with young singles. The site uses cellphone text-messaging to wirelessly connect thousands of friends, and friends of friends, to get laid.
Just hours after he subscribed, Mr. Battjer, 27, received his first Dodgeball message: Alyssa, a friend of his friend Greg, it read, was at Luna Lounge, only two blocks away. Mr. Battjer had never met Alyssa, but inspired by the thumbnail-size picture sent with the message, he decided to find her and get laid.
[…]
“Dodgeball has changed the social fabric of everything,” he said. “The technology augments [getting laid] in a way that has never been done before.”
[…]
Based on the mutual-friends model popularized by Web sites like Friendster, Dodgeball helps users meet up with their friends or new acquaintances – but while they’re out on the town instead of sitting in front of their computers, where it’s harder to get laid.
[…]
“It’s like a shortcut,” said Alexander Clemens, 36, a political consultant and Dodgeball user in San Francisco. “All it takes is one quick note to tell my friends where the party’s at so we can all get laid.”
[…]
Clay Shirky, an adjunct professor of communications at N.Y.U., predicts that with a little time and fine tuning, software that “caters to users’ geography rather than their affinities” will [help you get laid] with the same force Friendster did two years ago.
“It has already been successful [getting people laid],” Mr. Shirky said. “But eventually, Dennis and Alex are going to figure out uses and applications they hadn’t even thought of before.”
Like, um, totally getting your ass laid!
Related: This article is like a Gothamist Interview Reunion: Brian Battjer, Dennis Crowley, Clay Shirky. Someone needs to cut Andrew Krucoff a check.
From “Telephonic Interview of the Vice President by Tony Snow, Fox News,” a.k.a, “Speed Dating with Tony Snow and Dick Cheney,” The Vice President’s Office, 11:08 A.M. EDT:
SNOW: Thirty seconds. Why is Ted Kennedy so mad at you?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Me personally?
SNOW: Yes.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: I didn’t know he was.
SNOW: Okay. Vice President Dick Cheney, I want to thank you for joining — and by the way, is “Red River” really your favorite movie?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: (Laughter.) Well, it’s right up there at the top of my short list.
Click here for another stellar interview with the Vice President.
Father, and son: Nick Berg and his family
While the media reacts with outrage over the release of videotaped footage of the beheading of 26-year-old civilian contractor Nick Berg in Iraq this week, the bigger story seems to have fallen through the cracks.
Namely, we’ve finally found that elusive connection between Iraq and al-Qaeda that the American public heard so much about from the President and his advisors for the past two years.
“An Islamist Web site posted a videotape Tuesday showing the decapitation of an American in Iraq, in what the killers called revenge for the American mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison.
The Web site said the man who carried out the beheading was Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, a Jordanian militant linked to al-Qaeda who the Americans believe was behind some of the deadliest terrorist attacks here.”
Admittedly, America-hating lefties may point out that this new connection technically falls under the rubric of a “post-Saddam Iraq”, and, furthermore, the occupying American army more or less created the terrorist-supporting circumstances which lead to this connection, but regardless: Well done, guys!
In tribute to this development, and to our baseball-loving commander-in-chief, I’m off to go watch a film about the American pastime, Field of Dreams. You know the movie…”If you build it, they will come.”
(NOTE: This entry has been ‘corrected’ from its originally-posted form. See comments for more info.)
The Guardian reports that encouraging teenagers to engage in oral sex could prove the most effective means of curbing teen pregnancy. Not only does low culture applaud such bold initiatives, but we would like to provide a few of our own. Teenagers need never be “troubled” again.
First the problem, then the solution:
Gang Violence – Encourage your teen to become a sulky loner
Bulimia – Encourage your teen to develop other insecurities. Acne, lack of popularity, and athletic inability are all excellent alternatives.
Secret Cutting – While secret cutting affects untold numbers of teens, public cutting never hurt anyone. Even successful, well-adjusted rock stars like Iggy Pop, Britney Spears and Richey Manic are doing it.
Huffing Glue – Move out of the trailer park.
Underage Drinking – Although alcohol is an omnipresent danger for teens, Ecstasy users typically drink water instead of liquor. Try to give your teen a roll before he goes out for the night.
Oral Sex – If your teen is engaging in oral sex to avoid pregnancy, encourage him or her to experiment with anal sex.
Anal Sex – Do you suspect that your teen is having anal sex to avoid having oral sex to avoid getting pregnant? Try turning your teen onto pregnancy-safe alternatives such as foot fetishism, bdsm or homosexuality.
Social Difficulties – Does your teen have trouble fitting in at school? Teach him or her to give a really good hummer. Everyone loves a slut.
John Negroponte, newly-appointed President of Iraq, erm, U.S. Ambassador to Iraq
From today’s statement by President Bush at the Pentagon:
“In the next few weeks, important decisions will be made on the make up of the interim government. As of June 30th, Iraq’s interim government will assume duties now performed by the coalition, such as providing water and electricity and health care and education.”
Maybe he meant to add “…and governing Iraq” at the tail end there, and carelessly left it out?
No, wait, that would contradict Article 26 of the Iraqi Constitution recently implemented by the occupying Coalition:
“(A) Except as otherwise provided in this Law, the laws in force in Iraq on 30 June 2004 shall remain in effect unless and until rescinded or amended by the Iraqi Transitional Government in accordance with this Law.
(C) The laws, regulations, orders, and directives issued by the Coalition Provisional Authority pursuant to its authority under international law shall remain in force until rescinded or amended by legislation duly enacted and having the force of law.
All captions come from Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s notorious leadership tract of January 29, 2001, “Rumsfeld’s Rules: Advice on government, business and life,” which appeared in the Wall Street Journal when Rumsfeld initially took office three years ago.
As you’re surely well aware by now, some of the Iraqi prison torture images from Abu Ghraib are rather, well, foul, so the captioning continues below…
“Enjoy your time in public service. It may well be one of the most interesting and challenging times of your life.”
In preparation for our enthusiastically volunteering at this fall’s Republican National Convention in New York City, we’ve begun heartily agreeing with a number of Republican opinions of late, including obsessive madman Dick Cheney yesterday, and, today, Representative Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.), who has decried the Bush administration’s latest efforts to clamp down on Cuba’s government as the continuation of an historically ineffective methodology of dealing with our petite Communist neighbor to the south, and little more than primitive election-year antics targeted to Florida’s Cuban voters. Specifically, Flake is addressing administration plans to further impede the ability for Americans to visit the island nation, while increasing funding for flying U.S. military C-130 aircraft over Castro’s homeland while broadcasting pro-American and pro-democractic messages.
From the May 7, 2004 Washington Post:
Rep. Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.) is a leading proponent of congressional efforts to lift ever-tighter restrictions on travel to Cuba, a proposal that won majorities in the House and Senate last year. He said trying to use a C-130 to defeat Cuban jamming of U.S. government broadcasts is laudable but insufficient.
“If we’re really serious about letting Cubans hear a voice other than Castro’s, why not let Americans travel there?” Flake asked in a written statement. “After all, Castro can’t scramble a firsthand conversation.”
low culture exclusive: must credit low culture (or not):
On Thursday, May 6, 2004, while fifty million Americans tuned in to see the end of Friends on NBC, what were Chris Rock and Jerry Seinfeld doing? Eating hotdogs and watching the Mets battle Barry Bonds and the San Francisco Giants from behind the visitors’ dugout at Shea Stadium.
Finally, an explanation for that whole sitcom-star subplot of Larry David’s “Sour Grapes“.