Categories
Shallow

Oh, those amazing animals!

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“He was just caught like a rat.” —Major General Odierno
“[D]uring the search a spider hole was detected…”—General Sanchez
“[F]or operational purposes these locations were identified as Wolverine 1 and Wolverine 2.”—ibid.
“Breakthrough Capped a Renewed Effort to Ferret Out Leads”—New York Times sub-head.
“[O]ne council member said was filled with ‘rats and mice‘…” —Ian Fisher
“On Saturday night, I stuffed myself on lamb chops and potato pancakes at a holiday party at the home of Don and Joyce Rumsfeld.”—William Safire
“[I]f the pot broke or cracked, the guerrilla could be attacked by poisonous spiders or snakes…”—ibid.
Sidebar: I think I know someone who’s happy about all these critters in the news today.

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Shallow

“Hey, ya, Grandma!”

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So, Outkast‘s “Hey Ya!” is now officially the new Kool and the Gang’s “Celebrate,” right?
From The New York Observer‘s “Power Punk” call to arms to the music behind commercials for Bravo‘s Celebrity Poker Showdown to the soundtrack of this Times ‘Sunday Styles’ article, to being embraced by Polaroid, the song is more ubiquitous than Cris Judd at the Playboy Mansion. As soon as the sheet music is available, you’ll be treated to the spectacle of your Aunt Mitzy chanting “Shake it like a Polaroid picture!” along with the awful band at the next wedding or Bar Mitzvah you’re dragooned into. Eventually, you may even be able to get Andre and Big to play at the gig themselves.
Good times, indeed.

Categories
Grave

This week’s second most effective “dis” of non-coalition partners

From the December 15th edition of the New York Times, “Bearing Questions, 4 New Iraqi Leaders Pay Hussein a Visit“, by Ian Fisher:

“The world is crazy,” said Mowaffak al-Rubaie, a Governing Council member in the room on Sunday after Mr. Hussein was captured near his hometown, Tikrit. “I was in his torture chamber in 1979, and now he was sitting there, powerless in front of me without anybody stopping me from doing anything to him. Just imagine. We were arguing, and he was using very foul language.”
…Mr. Rubaie said: “One thing which is very important is that this man had with him underground when they arrested him two AK-47’s and did not shoot one bullet. I told him, `You keep on saying that you are a brave man and a proud Arab.’ I said, `When they arrested you why didn’t you shoot one bullet? You are a coward.'”
…”And he started to use very colorful language,” he said. “Basically he used all his French.
…”And I have to confess that the last word was for me,” he continued. “I was the last to leave the room and I said, `May God curse you. Tell me, when are you going to be accountable to God and the day of judgment? What are you going to tell him about Halabja and the mass graves, the Iran-Iraq war, thousands and thousands executed? What are you going to tell God?’ He was exercising his French language.

Categories
Shallow

A World Gone Mad

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Did you ever think you’d live to see the day that The New York Post would have a more restrained cover than The New York Daily News?

Categories
Grave

Making asses of themselves: Assessment of the assessors

dean-saddam.jpgUnless you’ve been living in a cave somewhere, you now know that Public Enemy No. 2, at least as appointed as such by the Bush Administration, has been caught. This must mean it’s time for some soul-searching! Perhaps it’s time for Democratic presidential candidates to reconsider the race which lies before them, and for voters to do likewise? This has been the tenor of much of Day One’s pundit roundabouts and insular media discussions, e.g. Elisabeth Bumiller and David E. Sanger’s musings in the New York Times:

“The capture was both a personal and political victory for President Bush, who had been frustrated that a man he had described as an archenemy of the United States had eluded American troops for so long. The capture also came at the beginning of the president’s 2004 re-election campaign and steals ammunition, at least for the moment, from the Democratic presidential candidates who had criticized the war and the American occupation.”

Are assertions such as those which appear in bold above even remotely as black-and-white as is lazily implied by Bumiller and Sanger? The assessors have conflated “anti-war” status with some arbitrary gauge for the end of said war, when, of course, the two issues are entirely irrelevant. If one doesn’t believe a war should have been fought, does that mean they “look bad” when the war “concludes”? Certainly not; it’s about framework.
Think a bit more carefully about the issues at hand when discussing so-called “anti-war” candidates: specifically, criticism by Democratic presidential candidates of elements such as the war itself, the unilateralism, the pre-emptive invasion, overthrow, and occupation of a sovereign nation, the insertion of Western ideology onto a distinctly non-Western canvas…have any of these issues been addressed by this largely symbolic gesture, the capture of the invaded nation’s prior leader?
No.
Of course, one can argue that the documented removal of this figurehead may lead to that oh-so-elusive rising tide of Middle Eastern democracy we’ve been hearing so much about. But not when the means to that end have sown disproportionate amounts of dissension in the hearts of those whom we would claim to be helping.
The United States still, as of last checking, has and had embarked upon each of the items in the brief checklist of unilaterlalist behavior detailed above, which are each, on their own, perfectly meritorious reasons to abstain from drum-beating war fever, circa February 2003, or circa December 2003. Or, for that matter, November 2004.
Even on their own, the aforementioned failures of American esteem and diplomacy, are, furthermore, reasons to embrace hearty politicking and rational debates on matters such as failed American internationalism and the deceptions that have led us to where we are today, namely, having left underemployed American taxpayers in possession of both a thunderously gargantuan federal deficit directly linked to our Iraqi endeavor, and economic and governmental responsibility for a Middle Eastern nation the size of the state of California.
For all of the spinning that may ensue, remember this: the “anti-war” Democratic contingent still has justice, diplomacy and responsibility in its corner, and, more significantly, the ability to contextualize fleeting moments of present jubilation amidst the larger struggle of American education and quality-of-life woes. Spin away.
As per the optimistic words spoken by President Bush Sunday morning (ostensibly to the people of Iraq, but we know otherwise), “A dark and painful era is over. A hopeful day has arrived.” Such optimism is noble, indeed, but not without realistic accountability–particularly when the “tomorrow” we so desperately anticipate comes at great cost to both “yesterday” and “today”.
This fall, the city of Boston awaits. With the 2004 Democratic Convention slated to be held In a city that prides itself on its Revolutionary role in American history, it’s time for the followup, two-and-a-quarter centuries later. Embrace the race, but frame the issues accordingly.

Categories
Satirical Shallow

Cagelings in Canada

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Monday, December 15, 2003: For Immediate Release:
Following the phenomenal critical and commercial success of HBO FilmsAngels in America, the two-part television event, HBO Films is proud to announce an original, all-new sequel currently in pre-production. The film, called Cagelings in Canada, will air sometime in late 2004.
Pulitzer Prize winning Angels in America playwright and screenwriter Tony Kushner will not be writing the script for Cagelings in Canada, but he will be executive producing the project along with Angels director Mike Nichols.
The film will deal with a host of ‘hot button’ issues ranging from domestic partnership for gays and lesbians, senior citizens buying prescription drugs in Canada, the legalization of Marijuana, and the brief—but terrifying—SARS epidemic of the early 21st Century.
“This film’s gonna have it all. And maybe some more,” said HBO Films Associate Senior Assistant of Marketing and Worldwide Distribution Todd Wentworth. “Seriously, people. Angels in America made you think, and cry, and even laugh. This one’s gonna do that and it’s gonna make you stand up and cheer, dance in the aisles, and wanna fall in love. If you loved America, wait ’till you get to Canada!”
The projected six-hour film will be written by a team of writers that will include Marci X screenwriter Paul Rudnick, Oscar-winning A Beautiful Mind screenwriter Akiva Goldsman, and to get the women’s perspective or whatever, multiple Oscar-winner Ruth Prawer Jhabvala. Other writers to be announced.
Directing the sure-to-be star-packed film will be a veteran of Angel-themed films, McG, who will bring his unique visual flair and personal interest in America’s neighbors to the north to project. Says McG: “Well, I’m definitely gonna bring my unique visual flair to this project. Only this time, I’m gonna make sure it’s more unique and more flair-y, you know? Also, I’m totally interested in Canada, like, personally. Hockey, beer, um, socialized medicine: anyone who knows me knows these are my main obsessions. Also, this movie will let me, like, continue the messages of my earlier films like Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle and that message is that we all love to have a good time, just rock and roll and have fun! But we also have to worry about dangers like satellites being hooked up with GPS-enabled Nokia phones or seniors getting affordable drugs and partnerships among gay guys and lesbians being legally recognized. And I don’t just mean the good looking lesbians, either. This is about civil rights, not about being one of those hot Vivid Video-type lesbians.”
Stars and budget will be announced at a later date.

Categories
Grave

Mission Accomplished

At Least 17 Killed in Blast at Iraq Police Station
Well, at least the Times covered these token deaths (17) alongside a negligible number (33) of injuries. CNN.com appeared to be too busy flouting the Geneva Convention.

Categories
Grave Satirical

Saddam’s Omnipotent-no-more Smite List (Final Edition)

saddam-god.jpgThough Saddam Hussein’s Iraq was notoriously secular, his uncanny resemblance, when captured, to our beloved contributing editor God was striking, to say the least.
Even more startling was the mad proclamation he supposedly decreed upon his seizure this weekend by U.S forces. Though these words are entirely uncorroborated, it seemed to be in everyone’s best interest to get this document out ASAP for those few remaining loyalists to His, erm, his, regime.
Smite thee, fedayeen!
an esteemed decree by the deposed Saddam Hussein
1. Whomever ratted me out: It was my gravest error to not have Uday and Qusay take you out earlier, you shameful Ba’ath party disloyalist. Perhaps, too, I should have toasted you more frequently with palatial visits and plentiful amounts of Hollywood DVDs. Yes, that would have been wise.
2. L. Paul Bremer: Indeed, I didn’t exactly cling to Islam as anything more than a political prop, but I at least have this one thing in common with God, I mean, Allah. That’s his name, right? Allah? Forigve me, I have been in this cave for too long. A very dark, damp and oh-so-Godless cave.

Categories
Shallow

R.I.P., Keiko

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Free At Last? New Row as Keiko Dies.
I guess Susan Orlean‘s Keiko book will be even more depressing now. Poor big guy: he was only 27.

Categories
Grave

Ms. Plame, are you available for work? No? Sorry

cia_iraq.jpgApparently, the occupation of Iraq isn’t going as well as you may have thought, unless your standards of success include hundreds of dead American soldiers, thousands of dead Iraqi civilians, hundreds of thousands of unemployed workers, and millions of people affected by power and water shortages.
One solution? Bring in American spies to scout out so-called “insurgent activity,” according to new Central Intelligence Agency plans (leaked anonymously, as per the usual information-distribution route). According to the Los Angeles Times,

“In recent weeks, the agency has begun a buildup that one source said could add as many as 100 people to an agency presence that is already several hundred strong in the war-torn country. Among those being sent, sources said, are case officers, counter-terrorism analysts and a small contingent of senior officials from the agency’s clandestine service.
The moves come at a time when many in the intelligence community acknowledge that they are frustrated with their inability to penetrate an insurgency that continues to carry out deadly attacks on American soldiers and Iraqi civilians almost every day.”

Ah, damage control. Who wants to make odds on White House “senior administration officialsnot coming forward to let Robert Novak know the identity of these mysterious agents who will be assisting in the expedition of our grand exit strategy?
If your answer to the odds question was “no chance,” you can claim victory. Which is more than can be said for the American effort in Iraq or Afghanistan.