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April 1, 2005One Word For You: PremiumRemember the party scene in The Graduate where Benjamin Braddock is buttonholed by his father's friend who has one word for him, "Just one word"? Well, we have one word for you: Premium. Due to the amazing success of our reader feedback module (you know, the little "Did you find this content useful?" radio buttons that have sprouted up on this site like wild flowers on the side of the highway), we've decided to go premium. Following the successful model of Salon and several other pay-per-view sites, we've implemented a premium area to provide our core readers with the best this site has to offer. Membership has its privileges: Just Wild About Geli: The Crazy Days—And Even Crazier Nights—Of the Jet-Set's Newest 'It' Girl
"It's not even a real word!" she protests. When I point out that 'celebutante' is a word—a portmanteau word, in fact, Geli sticks her tongue out playfully and says what she always says when the absurdity of the word flies smack-dab into her flawless, porcelain face: "Pish-posh. What does it mean anyway? That I should get special treatment because I have a famous relative? That I should get into clubs ahead of the line or get free clothes from designers just because of the family I was born into? Pish-posh!" But like other young ladies in her caste—Paris Hilton, Bijou Phillips, Kimberley Stewart, and the Bush twins come to mind—she does get special treatment and free clothes. She even gets into clubs ahead of the line. All because she's the favorite niece of her famous, well-connected, powerful uncle. And who is her uncle, the man who dotes on her like she's his own? Well, you've certainly heard of him, unless you've been living in a bunker. If you're a Premium Subscriber, please login to continue reading this article.Sloppy Seconds
Some ideas are just homeruns! If you're a Premium Subscriber, please login to continue reading this article.
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Visage Visionaries: South-of-Houston Hipsters, or Houston Astros?
More Hilarity from the New York Times Magazine's "Funny Pages" Apparently, the Clients Thought "Download More Porn with Intel" Wasn't Catchy Enough Adventures in the Skin Trade, Vol. 4 low culture: What Happened? (A Long, Interminable History) by Modesty Blaise Special to The Bizarro-Times Picayune The Apple Falls Far, Far From the Tree The Cover Story Hey, Jack: My Reality Distortion Field is Bigger Than Yours As Seen On The New York Times Magazine's "Funny Pages" Steve Jobs' Reading List Lesbian Ass vs. the Commuter Class Ronald McDonald's Happy Steal Ask Ben Kunkel Tragedies Come in Threes Just ask her son, Ryder Truck Introducing Kanye West, pre-eminent comedian and light, frilly jokemaker A Brechtian Stageplay about the emergence of Gay Blogs, starring the new proprietors of "Queerty" It's Probably Time to Change That Whole "Signature Drink" Thing Apparently Topping the Hot 100 Doesn't Warrant a Spell Check on Your Name This is what makes "Premium" membership so worth it Forget It, Jake. It's Sun Valley Coming Soon: A Very Personal Film From The Director of War of the Worlds Draft Abdul: Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back for America Mamma Mia! The Perfect Byline by Quip Meekly Blue Chips Ahoy Maybe If She Tried Wearing A Hat... low culture Presents: No Jacket Required, Vol. 1 low culture Exclusive: Tom Cruise's Actual Proposal to Katie Holmes A MAG A PLAN A CANAL PAGAMA (Or, A Short History of Palindromic Titles)* Where's Mr. Segue Man When You Need Him? The Man's Got Nothing On Him (Boys, On the other hand...) Collapse That Metaphor With Apologies to the editors of Details (And Gays. And Fast food eaters. And Anyone who thinks comedy should be funny.) Life lessons, as overheard by those with friends who have blackberries or SMS-enabled phones
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April 1, 2005Outed: Lewis "Scooter" Libby (Libby? Here, that's shorthand for "conservative")As Special Prosecutor Patrick J. Fitzgerald puts the finishing touches on his recent efforts to determine a) whether or not a crime was committed two summers prior when the identity of a CIA employee was revealed to the public by a then-unidentified White House source, and b) whether or not Judith Miller and a less well-known reporter for Time magazine will be jailed for their role in masking the source's identity, tongues on Capitol Hill are wagging in gleeful anticipation – but for altogether different reasons than you might have expected. Why, you ask? Well, White House followers may finally learn the sexuality of the purported informant, Lewis Libby, as other sources in the investigation are revealing that a series of anecdotes indicate that... If you're a Premium Subscriber, please login to continue reading this article."Dead Wrong", yet oh-so-rightAs the commission appointed by the President to assess the failures of the Intelligence community in the run-up to the invasion of Iraq two years ago reported its findings yesterday, noticeably absent from the list of those deemed to be worthy of blame were, of course, the hapless President Bush and his chief advisors. However, some scathing indictments nonetheless crept out of the woodwork and into the otherwise impenetrable bubble that has surrounded the White House for far too long. Included in this hierarchy of suddenly-shamed former executives and intelligence czars were none other than... If you're a Premium Subscriber, please login to continue reading this article.Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, Vol. 41
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For Shame! Turning your backs on your biggest donors like this...
When even President Bush seems to have stopped taking this war seriously... Please, God, carry me through this time of great difficulty In case you ever wondered what's wrong with privatized healthcare Redactio ad Absurdum Now Playing: The Ultimate Film About the Downfall of Big Institutions (Fun with Tom DeLay's Mugshot, Vol. 2) A message much clearer than the aspens, which turn in clusters out West At this rate, they'll become fully literate just in time to escape the calamitous effects of the polar ice caps' melting due to your equally-disastrous environmental policies Mr. DeLay!!! Mr. DeLay??!! What are you wearing? At least he's not requesting a bathroom break Yes, troops, it looks like that's a target on you guys. And, yes, the president's got you dead in his sights. And, yes, he's ready to wave goodbye. He's been waving this entire time, you see. Give me grammar, or give me death Forget her lack of qualifications. Do we really want a Supreme Court Justice that dresses this badly? After years of rebuffing your advances, George, I'm ready to admit...I love you. Damage Control Watch: In the Bubble or Off the Wagon? Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 58 Unintentionally Hilarious Photo of the Moment, vol. 57 Lining Up for Good News: This Week in the Job Market low culture Exclusive: the Twin Towers Fell Fashionably Early! September 2005: Black History Month for the White House George Bush doesn't care about poor people It's not the heat, it's the stupidity John Roberts, Fuck Yeah! Ergo, there is no "Federal" in "F.E.M.A." I think I may need to better grasp the degree to which the press has turned on me? We hold these truths to be self-evident, namely, that you're imbeciles Karl Rove's Photo-Op Coloring Book Recalcitrant on Rehnquist (A mutilated take on Labor Day's Weekend News) Given this is an oil company, does this count as "looting", "profiteering", or just cronyism? OK, you've snapped your fingers, waved a magic wand, and signed a bill into law...now what? You see, if it's the "Western White House," it means he wasn't really on vacation for five weeks, and you liberals were being a bunch of nattering naysayers for naught Quelle surprise! Iraqi women to be fucked over! Maim All Christians! "Please, please...no cameras, please! No cameras!" Fox News: We Report Whatever the Bush Administration Wants Us to, and Then You Decide
List
To get at the store
Eggs
Paper towels diet Coke (caffeine-free) diet Coke (with Lime) Cheese (American & Swiss) Soy Milk, but not the Vanilla shit Microwave Popcorn New sponge by Scotch/3M Pita Spaghetti Tomato Sauce Mushrooms Broccoli Onions Hummus Toilet Bowl Cleaner Kitty Litter, crystals Bottled Water Juice (Orange & Cranberry) |
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Geli Raubal hates the word 'celebutante.' 
