April 14, 2007
The Waverly Interns (...Sigh)
Commissioned by and produced for vanityfair.com, featuring noted monologist Mike Daisey, for starters. (No Graydon Carter whatsoever.)
June 1, 2006
All My Friends
A One-Act Play "I've got all my friends: Will [Smith], Kanye [West]..." – Tom Cruise sharing the contents of his iPod with US Weekly, June 12, 2006. Tom Cruise: Ye dog! Kanye West: Who dis? Cruise: It's Cruise Control, baby! West: T.C.? Shiiiiiit. What up, dawg? I didn't recognize your number on my caller ID. Cruise: Of course you didn't, K. I have all my calls encrypted and re-directed through seven satellites positioned over each continent. You can never be too safe, man. Especially with a new baby. West: Word. Word. How is little Suri? Cruise: Who? Oh, right. She's awesome, Kanye! Awesome! Fatherhood is so amazing, man! The pictures of her are so cute. Hey, did you see Mission broke some records at the box office? West: Congratulations. Cruise: Thanks. We're all really proud. J.J. did a great job. So what if it's not Da Vinci numbers. You know what? Every movie can't be War of the Worlds. Who wants it to be, you know? West: What's that crying, man? Is that Suri? Cruise: Naw, dog. It's Katherine. She's been a little emotional since the baby. West: Give her my best, man. Cruise: Thanks. Thanks, Ye. So, you must be asking yourself, Why's Cruise Control calling me?, right, dog? West: Mmmm. Cruise: I wanted to see if you got the literature I sent you. West: Yeah. Yeah, I got it. Cruise: And? West: And I'll read it. I'm in the studio this week, but I'll read it, man. Cruise: I really think the Technology can take you to the Next Level, Ye. Next level! West: I hear ya, Tom. But, you know, I'm all about the church, man. My big hit was "Jesus Walks," remember? Cruise: Remember? I love that song, Ye! I especially like how un-glib it is. West: T., that crying's getting awfully loud, man. Is Katie alright? Cruise: Katherine. West: Is Katherine alright? Cruise: The thing is, Kanye: The Technology in no way conflicts with Christianity. Nic was a Catholic and she followed Hubbard's teachings. And she got an Oscar for The Hours. See, that's what I'm talking about when I say 'Next Level,' Ye. West: Yeah. I'll read the stuff you sent, Tom. Cruise: Atta boy, Ye! And I'm here to explain anything. If you need someone to meet up with you and talk about this stuff wherever you are, there's usually a really smart person in every major city. Or within flying distance. I think of you as a good friend, Ye, and I want you to get to the Next Level, man. I'm talking the Isaac Hayes Level, bro. Black Moses! West: Thanks, Tom. I appreciate your help. Listen, man. I gotta run. Also, it sounds like Katie's really losing it over there. You might wanna go talk to her. Cruise: You mean Katherine. And, oh, that's not her. I actually left the house a few minutes ago. I'm on the way to the Center in the Escalade. I'm watching some possible extras for the Mission III DVD. God, J.J. did such a good job, man. West: A'ight, T.C. Holla at ya' boy. Cruise: What? Suri's a girl, dog. West: Yeah. I know. It's just an expression, man. It's like 'Aloha.' You say it when you say goodbye or hello or what's up. Well, listen, I gotta bounce. Later, Tom. West hangs up. Beat. Cruise dials another number. Cruise: Big Willie Smith! Holla at ya' boy, dog! Will Smith: Yo, who dis? |
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