Dear Newspaper and Magazine Headline Writers,
Hi. How are you? (I know you can't answer questions posed in a letter, but I want you to know I'm wondering how you are.)

We gotta talk (er, 'write,' whatever). I know I've made fun of you guys in the past, and I know that's totally uncool. I was, like, in a bad place then, guys. I was just lashing at you for problems I was having with myself. Can you forgive me?

But, listen up. You gotta stop using GALLO'S HUMOR as a headline for Brown Bunny reviews, okay? I'm talking to you, New York Post, and whoever the hell you are, Zap2it.com. And, this sort of hurts me to say it, but you too, New York Times Magazine: I loved you the most.

Oh, come on. Don't cry. Please, please. Stop. I'm not just here to criticize, I'm here to offer help. If Vincent Gallo ever convinces international financiers to fund another film for him, you can use these headlines, okay?

Earnest Gallo Whines
Heaven Vincent
Gallo Blows
Vincent, Man, Go!
A Vince Among Men
A Gallo Down Dirty Shame
Vincentient Being
My Gallo Friday
Lather, Vince, Repeat

They might not be perfect, but who is, right? (Pobody's Nerfect!) I still think you guys are great. BFF?

Yours,
Matt Haber