The New York Post this week reveals the stunning excerpts from model turned D-lister Michael Bergin's forthcoming memoir The Other Man, in which he details his romantic dalliances with Carolyn Bessette Kennedy, aka Mrs. JFK Jr. Perhaps the most shocking detail of all, however, is just how boring this stuff is.

Typically extramarital affairs are racy material, cf. Unfaithful, or even Fatal Attraction. An extramarital affair with a Kennedy (through marriage or not) should be explosive. But instead of Marilyn Monroe sex romps or Chappaquidic debauchery, all we get are passages bordering on the obscenely banal:

But suddenly, none of that mattered; suddenly we were making love. Carolyn and I were locked in each other's arms, and it was everything I remembered it to be and more. It brought back all the craziness.

Or this erotic gem:

All we needed was the red futon.

And then...

We walked through the door, straight into my room, and began kissing and taking off each other's clothes…And we made love. It wasn't about sex with us. It was lovemaking as I had never experienced it before.

Sure, it might not be fair to expect de Sade from a “Baywatch' alum, but Bergin doesn't even hint at the issues that truly matter - did the cuffs match collar? Any odd sexual predilictions? And where is the much rumored white sheik? None of it's there; instead all we get are soft-focus embraces and tortured syntax. For a memoir as patently indiscreet as Bergin's, he's chosen discretion in all the wrong places.