Remember when David Letterman was scary? Okay, not scary: mean. Even though he was always winking through it, he was at least being a little mean.

Well, no more. In yet another instance of the total Leno-ization of the culture (example: the President referencing David Blaine like a well-worn monologue joke), Letterman has lowered himself to just another Paris Hilton suitor. (Today's line forms behind, let's say, the guitarist from Stain'd.) According to the still Pulitzer Prize-free New York Post, Letterman made a desperate plea to the hotel heiress-cum-video jockey on his show last night:

"We'll talk about anything you want to talk about—if you have pets, we'll talk about your pets...If you want to talk about the sexual videotape, fine. If you don't, that's fine with me, too... We all know it's not your fault. It's your idiot boyfriend's fault, that's the problem. We'll set the record straight—it'll be a love fest... All I want to say to Paris is, 'You're being led down the wrong path. You come on this show, by God, we'll make you a hero."

A love fest? Isn't that what got Paris in so much trouble in the first place? Dave, we (still, for some reason) expect better from you.