In an effort to better serve our dozens (give or take) of readers, low culture recently set aside $7000 to do some demographic research into what our readers (that means you, Dave, Mark, Felix, Patricio, Jon, Jen, and Kate!) want most from our site. We consulted experts (well, adjunct lecturers) from Harvard's Faith Popcorn Institute of Microtrend Studies and hired trend-spotters (okay, catty high school girls) from Pupik, a social forecasting firm with offices in New York, Los Angeles, Tokyo, and Bucharest (“Look: It's All Inside The Pupik') to figure out precisely what you want (other than porn).

Amazingly, we learned that in addition to the usual criticisms of the Bush administration and The New York Post, hilarious Separated at Birth rip-offs, and love letters to Tracy Morgan you've come to expect from us, what people want most is insightful analysis of new oral hygiene products and gratuitous cursing. Well, let it never be said that we don't pander.

What the fuck is up with citrus flavored mouthwash and toothpaste?

Who the fuck thought people want to clean their teeth with something that tastes like Sunny Delight? You know that gross just-brushed-your-teeth-and-then-drank-orange-juice feeling? Apparently some people like it so much, they want to compress it into one simple step.

Seriously, are the makers of Crest Whitening Expressions and Citrus Listerine planning on putting out products flavored like crack? Because clearly, that's what they've been smoking.