Dateline: Los Angeles, 2012
Speaking out publicly for the first time since he brought an end to Christ's reign on earth, the Spawn of Satan spoke candidly with reporters about his childhood and his plans for the future.
Just 8 years-old, the Anti-Christ spoke with surprising eloquence about his parents, filmmaker/actor/musician/chocolate muse Vincent Gallo and conservative commentator Laura Ingraham. "Both mummy and daddy instilled in me the value of hard work—and pure evil," the adorable little hellion said showing off the ever-present glint in his eye that has won over—and enslaved—all of mankind.
"They taught me right from wrong early on, showing me by their own example how to bring chaos, hatred, disease, and pestilence to the world. They also never let me eat my dessert until I finished my supper!" he said, in a fit of laughter that can only be described as demonic.
While details about how his parents met and conceived the pint-sized adversary vary, many point towards Gallo's 2003 appearance on Buchanan & Press, a program that ran on the MSNBC cable network during the 2000 year reign of light and goodness. During that appearance, Ingraham reportedly told Gallo "You are a man after my own heart, Vincent. Once you get a haircut we can talk." (Tapes of the broadcast, along with all video, printed matter, and magnetic transfer archives from the A.D. era were destroyed when the Anti-Christ was conceived in 2004.)
Looking ahead towards his—and mankind's—future, the misbegotten son of this unholiest union history has ever known said he was optimistic. "First, I'd like to figure out a way to make the burning embers of the earth less fossil-fuel dependant, and more renewable for our children's children's children. After that, I think I will implant devices in the eyes of every man and woman in my command and force them to watch The Brown Bunny 24-hours a day. Then, it's onto the third Charlie's Angels sequel! If I can do all that, I'll consider myself a most successful Anti-Christ, indeed!" With that, the adorable little demon disappeared in a puff of sulfurous smoke leaving behind only a feeling of unspeakable dread.

Earlier thoughts on Satan from low culture

[via: The Kicker]